Venting It‘s getting worse again.

[Rudi]

I haven't posted anything in a few months, mainly because I left this forum because I thought I would start getting better. Or, I wanted to get better.
But I give up.

I had a friend and we both agreed that we would try and recover together. We said we'd be there for one another if the other feels like giving up. We were set on that goal, we even became really close friends.. well up until I got blocked 4 days ago. Maybe 5? Atleast I noticed it 4 days ago. I really just don't wanna recover anymore. Them leaving isn't the only reason, though.

I feel as if I'm worth absolutely nothing. I don't do anything good for people, I don't feel. Every time I get close with someone they always end up leaving me. Maybe I really am the problem. I don't see myself as great anyway, and I do admit it when I'm the one in the wrong but maybe I'm always in the wrong. Or maybe I doubt myself too much and that leads to people leaving.

Enough about my friendship problems. I wanna leave. I want to die. But I somehow can't bring myself to do so. I wanna leave everyone and everything behind because they'll forget about me eventually right? There are times where I feel so happy and relieved to be alive but it never ever lasts. My sadness always lasts longer than my happiness ever will. So what's the point of being alive if all I feel is exhaustion, drain and sadness and when I'm not able to do anything for this earth at all?

I feel so pathetic when I vent, yet I feel the need to do it. I'm not the best at showing emotions unless it's either anger or sadness or fake joy.
I hate being joyous around people but that's what they know me as and that's why they never take me serious when I feel upset or when I get offended at some "simple joke" they make about me.

I just let out so many things at once I'm confusing myself.
I just wanna die.

 

[Ashes of a Dreamer]

Meaningful relationships are hard to find and maintain for me and some, I guess. It's difficult to cultivate them as it's painful to see them go, leaving us alone, if we don't have more people we can really count on.

The thing is: everyone you leave you in the end, even if it's not their choice. So, when starting a relationship, it's good to ask ourselves if it's worth the pain it'll inevitably cause.

About venting, this is a space for you to do so, hopefully nobody will humiliate or blackmail you - at least, I didn't see it happening here, a place where everyone is, somehow, thinking about ending things.

 

[Rudi]

Meaningful relationships are hard to find and maintain for me and some, I guess. It's difficult to cultivate them as it's painful to see them go, leaving us alone, if we don't have more people we can really count on.

The thing is: everyone you leave you in the end, even if it's not their choice. So, when starting a relationship, it's good to ask ourselves if it's worth the pain it'll inevitably cause.

About venting, this is a space for you to do so, hopefully nobody will humiliate or blackmail you - at least, I didn't see it happening here, a place where everyone is, somehow, thinking about ending things.

just wish i could find someone whos actually willing to stay. i know a few people who say they're not planning on leaving - like ever. and i want to believe them but its so hard for me to do so.