Venting It's getting really hard to hold on

[Rairii]

I knew it was getting closer but I thought I could at least make it till the end of next week but I don't know if I can. Guess it wouldn't really matter if I waited till the end of next week in the grand scheme of things, just wanted to see if my urologist had any new treatments to suggest and if my therapist was going to have me go to someone else. Which again, if I'm gonna die what would it even matter, I'm not sure, it's just what I kept telling myself to do. I guess in case I failed, so I wouldn't have to miss out on an appointment that would take months to reschedule.

I've wrote a lot of notes because I'm the worst at keeping things short and simple but I don't even have the energy to print those out, its like I have this deep sense of urgency to just do it now. Nothing new happened nor did anything triggering happen to cause this sense of urgency, I think I'm just at my last straw. Especially since it's been so hard just keeping myself from doing it. I've gone back to restricting my food intake again to try and cope, that helped in the past but nah anorexia isn't cutting it anymore.

I'm so sick of this all, not feeling alive or like I'm human. I'm sick of nothing getting better and my psychiatrist even told me she wasn't sure what she could do for me anymore since I've been basically through all the psych meds that would be relevant for me. We were going to try and get me in to doing Ketamine treatments but the place that it's through has never gotten back to me with whether or not my insurance approved it. I was told it was just a short term thing anyway, so it's not like it'd fix my mood for life even if I did get approved to do it.

I apologize for this stupid post, not sure if its even a goodbye. I just really need this out and obviously it's not safe to talk about it anywhere else. I don't know what I'm going to do tonight. I'm going to try and print these letters out and get my method all put together and go from there I guess, sometimes the act of just doing that holds it off for a bit longer.

 

[makethepainstop]

I knew it was getting closer but I thought I could at least make it till the end of next week but I don't know if I can. Guess it wouldn't really matter if I waited till the end of next week in the grand scheme of things, just wanted to see if my urologist had any new treatments to suggest and if my therapist was going to have me go to someone else. Which again, if I'm gonna die what would it even matter, I'm not sure, it's just what I kept telling myself to do. I guess in case I failed, so I wouldn't have to miss out on an appointment that would take months to reschedule.

I've wrote a lot of notes because I'm the worst at keeping things short and simple but I don't even have the energy to print those out, its like I have this deep sense of urgency to just do it now. Nothing new happened nor did anything triggering happen to cause this sense of urgency, I think I'm just at my last straw. Especially since it's been so hard just keeping myself from doing it. I've gone back to restricting my food intake again to try and cope, that helped in the past but nah anorexia isn't cutting it anymore.

I'm so sick of this all, not feeling alive or like I'm human. I'm sick of nothing getting better and my psychiatrist even told me she wasn't sure what she could do for me anymore since I've been basically through all the psych meds that would be relevant for me. We were going to try and get me in to doing Ketamine treatments but the place that it's through has never gotten back to me with whether or not my insurance approved it. I was told it was just a short term thing anyway, so it's not like it'd fix my mood for life even if I did get approved to do it.

I apologize for this stupid post, not sure if its even a goodbye. I just really need this out and obviously it's not safe to talk about it anywhere else. I don't know what I'm going to do tonight. I'm going to try and print these letters out and get my method all put together and go from there I guess, sometimes the act of just doing that holds it off for a bit longer.

I know, but sometimes doesn't it feel like CTB is the only option we have? I just cannot find any other solutions for myself. I am going to have to CTB to escape my toxic family members. I should have never felt pity and allowed them to live with me.

 

[WhiteRabbit]

I'm sorry you're feeling so desperate. I can relate, unfortunately. Did you ever try that elmiron med?

 

[Rairii]

doesn't it feel like CTB is the only option we have?

yes, it really does feel that way. It's almost always felt like the way I would have to leave. no matter what happens its never enough, so CTB seems to be the natural conclusion.

I'm sorry you're having to be around your toxic family. It's easy to feel sympathy for them even if they've done you wrong, I always have to remind myself of all the terrible thing's they've done to keep myself from them. So Its understandable why you did what you did. My family is certainty the route cause of my problems so I can relate in a way. I did cut them all off but it still doesn't take away all the pain and trauma they've caused to me.

I'm sorry you're feeling so desperate. I can relate, unfortunately. Did you ever try that elmiron med?

It's unfortunate you can relate, I'm sorry. I have tried it but it didn't do anything.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I feel the same and am sputtering and stalling on my way out too. I just hope you find some solace in the fact that some people understand.

 

[Rairii]

I feel the same and am sputtering and stalling on my way out too. I just hope you find some solace in the fact that some people understand.

yes, its reassuring at least to know I am not alone. Though obviously it sucks very much that others also feel such pain. I actually feel normal here and not crazy. Though I feel a bit dramatic for making an induvial thread to vent and maybe not do anything or if I do something, it still feels dramatic of me. That is just me being overly critical on myself though not a reflection on others.

 

[makethepainstop]

yes, its reassuring at least to know I am not alone. Though obviously it sucks very much that others also feel such pain. I actually feel normal here and not crazy. Though I feel a bit dramatic for making an induvial thread to vent and maybe not do anything or if I do something, it still feels dramatic of me. That is just me being overly critical on myself though not a reflection on others.

Oh honey, believe you me, you sure are not alone. Much love to you in your suffering.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

yes, its reassuring at least to know I am not alone. Though obviously it sucks very much that others also feel such pain. I actually feel normal here and not crazy. Though I feel a bit dramatic for making an induvial thread to vent and maybe not do anything or if I do something, it still feels dramatic of me. That is just me being overly critical on myself though not a reflection on others.

The venting tag is there for a reason. Sometimes people just need to let it all out.

 

[Rairii]

The venting tag is there for a reason. Sometimes people just need to let it all out.

Thank you

I ended up taking my method of choice and now I'm listening to music and waiting for it to kick in. I printed the letters in the end. I don't feel upset about this, so that's nice. Will have to see if it works out but I feel content for now.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Thank you

I ended up taking my method of choice and now I'm listening to music and waiting for it to kick in. I printed the letters in the end. I don't feel upset about this, so that's nice. Will have to see if it works out but I feel content for now.

Are you still around?

 

[Rairii]

Are you still around?

Yes it's taking a bit burrt I'm starting to feel it kicking ine

 

[Ineedtodie]

Sorry you're in such lonely and despairing place. Being stuck between there and a glimpse of hope. I know the feeling. We understand you and we love you.

 

[FuneralCry]

I do understand that it can certainly be hard to carry on existing when you feel so tired of everything, it's such a cruel existence which brings people to this point, but it must be a relief not feeling upset as you are about to leave this world. I hope that you found the freedom that you wished for.

 

[Rairii]

It would appear having one "last" cuddle with my cat kicked in my SI and I ended telling on myself and going to the hospital. I just got out today. It wasn't an awful experience like last time. The psychiatrist was surprisingly compassionate but everything else was meh, as to be expected. It would seem that my time is not now despite the suicidal ideations not really lessening.

Sorry for the false alarm and it seeming like it would be my time.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

It would appear having one "last" cuddle with my cat kicked in my SI and I ended telling on myself and going to the hospital. I just got out today. It wasn't an awful experience like last time. The psychiatrist was surprisingly compassionate but everything else was meh, as to be expected. It would seem that my time is not now despite the suicidal ideations not really lessening.

Sorry for the false alarm and it seeming like it would be my time.

Hi,

Thanks for getting back. I was naturally wondering about what became of you. I'm sorry you had to go through the psych stuff, but I'm glad it wasn't super terrible (compassionate hospital psychiatrists are definitely surprising). If you're here for now, I think it's worth following up on those treatments you mentioned in your first post. How did your therapist and psychiatrist react to this? They must know that something needs to give.

 

[Rairii]

Hi,

Thanks for getting back. I was naturally wondering about what became of you. I'm sorry you had to go through the psych stuff, but I'm glad it wasn't super terrible (compassionate hospital psychiatrists are definitely surprising). If you're here for now, I think it's worth following up on those treatments you mentioned in your first post. How did your therapist and psychiatrist react to this? They must know that something needs to give.

The hospital psychiatrist that was in charge of my care is actually in charge of the ketamine nasal spray treatment and was able to find out that I was approved and I start next week, twice a week for an indefinite period of time at the moment.

I texted my therapist beforehand, still no response. I had texted her some days before the incident too as she told me until my insurance changed (which it will in February), I may be unable to see her. So I asked her if I should find a new therapist or if she talked to her boss about it because she didn't know that the change would take till February, she never responded to that either. She's never been good about this kind of stuff, she always leaves me hanging when I'm suicidal or have attempted. I'm going to try and find a new therapist for the time being, one who focuses one IFS therapy since that has more interest to me than the EMDR we were doing or maybe someone who has done EMDR for longer (she literally was just freshly trained).

Psychiatrist is pretty liberal, hates psych wards and the doctors in them. Thinks they treat people like shit so they don't keep coming back. I've yet to update her about my current attempt but I see her Monday I guess, so I'll see what she says. She seems pretty hopeless with my case. Always says things like "I don't know what to do with you." Not in a mean way, just in a realistic way since we've tried a lot of medications.

Also thankfully I got out in time to see my urologist tomorrow, so I won't have to wait months to see him. I hope we can try something new. Don't have too much hope because my last urologist was a dick but that was 7 years ago so yeah

 

[Unending]

The hospital psychiatrist that was in charge of my care is actually in charge of the ketamine nasal spray treatment and was able to find out that I was approved and I start next week, twice a week for an indefinite period of time at the moment.

Hey, I'm glad to hear that you were approved for ketamine and that the hospital wasn't completely bad. As I was reading through the thread I was planning on mentioning that the nasal spray has been so much more affordable and accessible in my experience and then saw that you attempted ctb but then kept reading and saw that you're still here and are on route to trying the nasal ketamine. Even if it doesn't provide lasting relief or anything like that (who knows, the results vary widely among those who try it) I think there is still a good chance that it will be a pleasant experience regardless. Atleast 50% of the time that I take it, it makes me feel better atleast for the next hour or two. I know that is far from a solution to anyone's problems but it is nice to blissfully dissociate from your usual state of consciousness to your favorite music if that is your thing lol. I'm sorry that you're dealing with such pain and I hope that you can find relief from all that ails you. Hopefully this treatment will have some level of effectiveness for you.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

The hospital psychiatrist that was in charge of my care is actually in charge of the ketamine nasal spray treatment and was able to find out that I was approved and I start next week, twice a week for an indefinite period of time at the moment.

I texted my therapist beforehand, still no response. I had texted her some days before the incident too as she told me until my insurance changed (which it will in February), I may be unable to see her. So I asked her if I should find a new therapist or if she talked to her boss about it because she didn't know that the change would take till February, she never responded to that either. She's never been good about this kind of stuff, she always leaves me hanging when I'm suicidal or have attempted. I'm going to try and find a new therapist for the time being, one who focuses one IFS therapy since that has more interest to me than the EMDR we were doing or maybe someone who has done EMDR for longer (she literally was just freshly trained).

Psychiatrist is pretty liberal, hates psych wards and the doctors in them. Thinks they treat people like shit so they don't keep coming back. I've yet to update her about my current attempt but I see her Monday I guess, so I'll see what she says. She seems pretty hopeless with my case. Always says things like "I don't know what to do with you." Not in a mean way, just in a realistic way since we've tried a lot of medications.

Also thankfully I got out in time to see my urologist tomorrow, so I won't have to wait months to see him. I hope we can try something new. Don't have too much hope because my last urologist was a dick but that was 7 years ago so yeah

I hope some new thing can help ease things.

 

[Rairii]

Hey, I'm glad to hear that you were approved for ketamine and that the hospital wasn't completely bad. As I was reading through the thread I was planning on mentioning that the nasal spray has been so much more affordable and accessible in my experience and then saw that you attempted ctb but then kept reading and saw that you're still here and are on route to trying the nasal ketamine. Even if it doesn't provide lasting relief or anything like that (who knows, the results vary widely among those who try it) I think there is still a good chance that it will be a pleasant experience regardless. Atleast 50% of the time that I take it, it makes me feel better atleast for the next hour or two. I know that is far from a solution to anyone's problems but it is nice to blissfully dissociate from your usual state of consciousness to your favorite music if that is your thing lol. I'm sorry that you're dealing with such pain and I hope that you can find relief from all that ails you. Hopefully this treatment will have some level of effectiveness for you.

thank you, I hope it does something too. It seems very promising at the very least. I'm glad you've gotten decent results too. I'm sorry for whatever you're going through too that you need it.

I hope some new thing can help ease things.

Thank you for being so kind, I appreciate it.