Venting Its been awhile/life update/vent

[strawberry_lemons]

I havent posted or typed here in sometime, not because i got better, i got so much worse. i was one year clean and broke it. relapsed on my ed. im trying to get better again but i realize i just dont care, no matter what i do i will always be misrable, i am doomed to suffer.

i made a friend whos like a sibling to me and they love me so much but i really think they dont need me, deserve my emotions. they soothe me when i cry and ive never felt so loved.

i said if i killed myself they would hold me while i do, if they couldnt stop me. how could i do this to someone? to love someone suicidal is to love fire. i will burn and its terrifying.

ive been coping with my abuse well so now i have to deal with the things ive avoided. my assault and my religion.

i grew up christan and i like to think i am still but i also feel like a sinner, a whore, tainted flesh. im queer, i was raped, im not cis. i fear hell but sometimes this feels like hell. i want to die so bad, but im trying to hard to be quiet. i dont wanna tell them how bad im suffering. they struggling too, they only deserve good things and i am not it

im sorry brother im so utterly pathetic, when i kill myself know you did your best.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

You're not pathetic at all!! I'm sorry you have to go through this. It's awful. I hope u can find find peace somehow.

 

[strawberry_lemons]

You're not pathetic at all!! I'm sorry you have to go through this. It's awful. I hope u can find find peace somehow.

thank you

 

[Unknown21]

I remember you and glad you're ok

 

[strawberry_lemons]

I remember you and glad you're ok

ha im shocked someone does, thank you for the sentiment <3

 

[iloverachel]

I am so sorry you have suffered so much and have not gotten better
What you went though seems traumatizing
We are here for you friend

 

[voc_89]

I'm really sorry that you are going through all this. I hope you are able to make some peace with it. Also, it's good u have someone irl that seems to be on your side. Should help make the journey a bit more tolerable

 

[strawberry_lemons]

I am so sorry you have suffered so much and have not gotten better
What you went though seems traumatizing
We are here for you friend

thank you <3 i always apprecate the kind words said by people, they truly make it feel easier

I'm really sorry that you are going through all this. I hope you are able to make some peace with it. Also, it's good u have someone irl that seems to be on your side. Should help make the journey a bit more tolerable

its alright, even if i do end up deciding to cbt i know am able to die knowing i was oh so loved by my brother also nice pfp i love punpun