Venting It's always so slow

[Onomotopoeia]

For 5 years now I slid very slowly yet consistently. A little worse every day but always barely enough to notice from one day to the next. Then I made a mistake in taking a new position at work. Now my spiral is much quicker. Today I am miles away from where I was a month ago. Suicide is always top of my mind but now it's scratching at my insides in a frenzy.

I wish it were easier, any of it really. Death, life, the process of getting help. I have spent hours upon hours trying to find a mental health provider in my area only to realize I have already been to most in the area. I literally cannot find a single psychiatrist I have not seen.

I want to die but even here with all this education I see so many failed attempts. Even reliable methods seem to have some questions surrounding the use of them and/or anti emitics. Also, this whole process of contacting the "ever cryptic A"

ugh - Bitcoin, customs, garbage it's all garbage and just to much work. I do not have the energy to sit at my computer, I do not have the mental capacity to absorb new information, and my body cannot handle additional stress of things that may or may not happen.

Oh and anxiety/stress triggers hemiplegic migraines which then feeds each other and I spend most of my time with my head throbbing, my body on fire, my mental capacity diminished and sometimes even my ability to walk revoked.

Yes these are excuses, and personal issues. I mean it's so easy to walk out the front door in theory, but is it really?

I am sick physically, emotionally, and i'm just so tired. I just want to go back to last month where I could still pretend to be a person.

I have read similar posts and though ugh another one of these...so I accept that you may also but this is for me because I like to write and if you have something to say I will listen :)

 

[Allpainnogain]

I understand and feel the same way

 

[Dead beat dad]

You are not alone brother.
Sometimes I lay there with my eyes closed, simply because I can't stand to look at the world.
I am sorry that things for you are so painful. I hope you can find what you are looking for and along the way I hope that the light of peace shines on you.
DBD

 

[ExitTheDay]

For 5 years now I slid very slowly yet consistently. A little worse every day but always barely enough to notice from one day to the next. Then I made a mistake in taking a new position at work. Now my spiral is much quicker. Today I am miles away from where I was a month ago. Suicide is always top of my mind but now it's scratching at my insides in a frenzy.

I wish it were easier, any of it really. Death, life, the process of getting help. I have spent hours upon hours trying to find a mental health provider in my area only to realize I have already been to most in the area. I literally cannot find a single psychiatrist I have not seen.

I want to die but even here with all this education I see so many failed attempts. Even reliable methods seem to have some questions surrounding the use of them and/or anti emitics. Also, this whole process of contacting the "ever cryptic A"

ugh - Bitcoin, customs, garbage it's all garbage and just to much work. I do not have the energy to sit at my computer, I do not have the mental capacity to absorb new information, and my body cannot handle additional stress of things that may or may not happen.

Oh and anxiety/stress triggers hemiplegic migraines which then feeds each other and I spend most of my time with my head throbbing, my body on fire, my mental capacity diminished and sometimes even my ability to walk revoked.

Yes these are excuses, and personal issues. I mean it's so easy to walk out the front door in theory, but is it really?

I am sick physically, emotionally, and i'm just so tired. I just want to go back to last month where I could still pretend to be a person.

I have read similar posts and though ugh another one of these...so I accept that you may also but this is for me because I like to write and if you have something to say I will listen :)

Same sometimes I just don't have the mental energy to learn new things, this is why in high school when depression effected me a lot some of the simplest things that I tried to process went through one ear and right out the other, and it affected my grades a whole lot

 

[Sailfisher]

For 5 years now I slid very slowly yet consistently. A little worse every day but always barely enough to notice from one day to the next. Then I made a mistake in taking a new position at work. Now my spiral is much quicker. Today I am miles away from where I was a month ago.

I can completely and totally relate to you on this. Overnight, it was like a switch was flipped on my decline.

Can you ask to go back to your old position?

 

[rata1]

oh man, i know so well what you are talking about. i also still work, do further training and seem to function in "the normal world" but its so hard without any recompense and twice so hard being always tired, too tired for the easiest things. years of therapy, sometimes i call it even "fighting" against the demon inm y head, and nothing helped. and always the ctb issue in my head as only and last mesure to "win" the fight perhaps or just stop fighting once and for all. we want it (to change our life) we try it but nothing changes :(
i wish you all the best and i wish that you, as we all here, perhaps find one day some kind of miracle or sudden change, that gives back to you and to us all the natural force humans use to have, give us back energy instead of the fucking debilitating tiredness we suffer. who knows, some people seem to have had this lucky changing, perhaps one day its our turn.

 

[Onomotopoeia]

You are not alone brother.
Sometimes I lay there with my eyes closed, simply because I can't stand to look at the world.
I am sorry that things for you are so painful. I hope you can find what you are looking for and along the way I hope that the light of peace shines on you.
DBD

I feel like if I knew what i was looking for that might be helpful.

I can completely and totally relate to you on this. Overnight, it was like a switch was flipped on my decline.

Can you ask to go back to your old position?

I wish I could go back but no I am stuck now. I used to think I was intelligent but working this position has me doubting it. Ahh that ever hidden switch if only we could press it again..

oh man, i know so well what you are talking about. i also still work, do further training and seem to function in "the normal world" but its so hard without any recompense and twice so hard being always tired, too tired for the easiest things. years of therapy, sometimes i call it even "fighting" against the demon inm y head, and nothing helped. and always the ctb issue in my head as only and last mesure to "win" the fight perhaps or just stop fighting once and for all. we want it (to change our life) we try it but nothing changes :(
i wish you all the best and i wish that you, as we all here, perhaps find one day some kind of miracle or sudden change, that gives back to you and to us all the natural force humans use to have, give us back energy instead of the fucking debilitating tiredness we suffer. who knows, some people seem to have had this lucky changing, perhaps one day its our turn.

I'm not sure you could call what I do functioning - I got "lucky" in some regards I guess and it's pretty easy to hide but yea I relate to years of therapy and i'm never sure why..

 

[Sailfisher]

I wish I could go back but no I am stuck now. I used to think I was intelligent but working this position has me doubting it. Ahh that ever hidden switch if only we could press it again..

No way of going back? Contract?