Venting It’s all just a bit too much

[Wisdom3_1-9]

No one needs to respond or anything. I just needed to put my thoughts down somewhere. I'm currently at work and have to save face. Even outside of work, I have no one to talk to. So it's just you, SS. You get the brunt of my pain.

I just encountered something that threw me off my game and ruined my mood for the whole day. It was (yet another) reminder of all the pain I will have to deal with in this world; pain that won't end. It was a reminder that I will never be understood, and always punished.

There are people who would try to convince me to push through, so that I could continue to do the good work I was doing. If I'm being honest with myself, I was doing good work. I was committed to making the world a better place by my presence. I believe that capacity is lost now. Others disagree and believe I can still do great work. My sense is that even if I can, the other stuff is just too much for me to handle.

I'm sorry for all the pain I'm going to put my mother through. This will completely devastate her. I also know I'm responsible for that. I have to deal with that guilt too. And I know that this will derail my husband's life. I'll be responsible for that, and I have to deal with that guilt too.

But I just can't go on. I can't, I can't, I can't. It's cruel and unusual punishment and I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING BE HERE ANYMORE.

Okay. Now, back to work. Thanks, everyone. So sorry.

 

[fox21132113]

Try to focus on your feelings and not everyone else's pain. You are the most important. To care about

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

Try to focus on your feelings and not everyone else's pain. You are the most important. To care about

Strangely, I was thinking about this very thing earlier this morning (before my day was ruined). I thought about how much of my life was built around putting my needs/wants secondary to others'. When I was teaching, I always put my students before myself. I put my husband before myself. I always lose out. It's been a lifetime of this. (And whenever I did put myself first, things never worked out, but that's another story.)

I wonder if many of us spend a lifetime denying ourselves so much that we just don't have the life we need to be happy. Anyway, maybe that's a thought for another day and another thread.

 

[fox21132113]

Wow, you couldn't have said it any better. This thought of yours hits home for me. Thank you for describing it as you did :)

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

Resurrecting this because I didn't feel like adding a new thread to the forum for my silly little problems.

I'm having another really tough day. I've been triggered by some posts in the forum and there have been a few discoveries in my life outside SS that have plagued my mind as well. I came home from work and just began sobbing. My dog rushed up to me and started licking the tears off my face. I think he just likes the salty taste, but still, it felt like a sweet gesture. That was the one bright point of the day. But he wants to play and I just have no energy to play with him. I want to curl up and cry and fall asleep and that's about it.

I don't want to go to work tomorrow, to the job in which I have no interest. I don't want to spend another evening searching for job openings and typing up cover letters. I don't want to FaceTime with my mother who lives 1000 miles away and pretend that I'm doing okay. I don't want to have to argue with my husband about his spending habits again. I don't want to have to see ANYONE or speak to anyone EVER again. But that's just not in the cards for me.

As much as I just want to fucking DIE, I cannot put my mother and husband through this. I've tried twice now and failed because of them. But I just so over everything. I hate coming home everyday and feeling like this.

I'm not living. I'm just surviving. And what's the fucking point of that?

Ugh, I need an ice cream cake.

 

[tidalwxves]

No one needs to respond or anything. I just needed to put my thoughts down somewhere. I'm currently at work and have to save face. Even outside of work, I have no one to talk to. So it's just you, SS. You get the brunt of my pain.

I just encountered something that threw me off my game and ruined my mood for the whole day. It was (yet another) reminder of all the pain I will have to deal with in this world; pain that won't end. It was a reminder that I will never be understood, and always punished.

There are people who would try to convince me to push through, so that I could continue to do the good work I was doing. If I'm being honest with myself, I was doing good work. I was committed to making the world a better place by my presence. I believe that capacity is lost now. Others disagree and believe I can still do great work. My sense is that even if I can, the other stuff is just too much for me to handle.

I'm sorry for all the pain I'm going to put my mother through. This will completely devastate her. I also know I'm responsible for that. I have to deal with that guilt too. And I know that this will derail my husband's life. I'll be responsible for that, and I have to deal with that guilt too.

But I just can't go on. I can't, I can't, I can't. It's cruel and unusual punishment and I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING BE HERE ANYMORE.

Okay. Now, back to work. Thanks, everyone. So sorry.

Thanks for opening up, that takes courage.
I also saw your post about putting yourself first, I agree that if you have neglected self care its important you take some steps to prioritize your needs. What I will say is that there are lots of ways to do that, indulging in hobbies, requesting emotional support from the people you have been supporting, and also taking the time get professional help because you deserve it. CTB is an option, yes, but its not your only one. I'm not here to judge, you are an adult who will make their own decisions, but I thought a different perspective could be helpful. I hope you experience some peace soon!

 

[GoneGoneGone]

I'm sorry you feel this way. You seem burned out

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I'm sorry you feel this way. You seem burned out

I think that's a good way of putting it. Burnt out. Overwhelmed. I've lived too long.

 

[Meditation guide]

I'm not living. I'm just surviving. And what's the fucking point of that?

Same here. Nothing but pain, struggle, more pain, more struggle, every single day. I'm so so tired of it.