EternalChild
New Member
- May 8, 2021
- 3
I find it remarkable that we're even capable of pursuing CTB, given that every cell in our body, like any living organism, is wired for survival. Yet, some of us still reach a point where we feel that death is the preferable path.
I don't claim our desire to CTB comes from some rationality beyond our flawed, earthly minds; it's quite the opposite. Life remains a prison still. Even though I'm certain my life is irreversibly unworthy of living, as it crumbles more every day, I still hide away embarrassing documents that would remain after I'm gone, and I still seek validation from others through this post.
I have been an obsessive, delusional maniac my whole life. Getting my ADHD diagnosis earlier this year has served for nothing but to worsen my thought spirals. I have spent years searching for external help, only to be told that solace could only come from within. My efforts failed miserably and my self hatred is as unbearable as ever. My CTB will give me a sense of power one last time.
In truth, I've never really had control—not even over my own will.
I will go by partial suspension, which is a method I've dabbled with over the course of my life. This time, I will not stand. And yes, I have spite. It will devastate my family, and I hate that, but I will do it regardless.
I don't claim our desire to CTB comes from some rationality beyond our flawed, earthly minds; it's quite the opposite. Life remains a prison still. Even though I'm certain my life is irreversibly unworthy of living, as it crumbles more every day, I still hide away embarrassing documents that would remain after I'm gone, and I still seek validation from others through this post.
I have been an obsessive, delusional maniac my whole life. Getting my ADHD diagnosis earlier this year has served for nothing but to worsen my thought spirals. I have spent years searching for external help, only to be told that solace could only come from within. My efforts failed miserably and my self hatred is as unbearable as ever. My CTB will give me a sense of power one last time.
In truth, I've never really had control—not even over my own will.
I will go by partial suspension, which is a method I've dabbled with over the course of my life. This time, I will not stand. And yes, I have spite. It will devastate my family, and I hate that, but I will do it regardless.
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