Story it’ll be soon i won’t wait until i get much older

[nanfranci]

hello i'm new to this site so it's about time i say something on here.

i planned to end it all on my 15th birthday but it didn't work out. i've never been able to leave with two people who have been keeping me here. my mother and my partner. my family ruined my life, any chance i had of a life without trauma and support for my mental health issues were wiped away by my lovely parents.

i think deep down i have a hate for them that will never go away. i wish they would randomly drop dead even to this day, and yes i know it's wrong for me to wish for that even briefly. i just want peace when all they ever have brought me into my adolescence and ever since was pain, trauma, and abuse.

my partner has caused me so much pain too even though i can never admit it to them. we were in a stupid situationship for years until we got together. they would lead me on only to crush me countless times, and when i was finally ready to move on with just being friends after staying away for months on end they come to me and ask me to be their girlfriend. i was so shocked i couldn't believe it when it happened. we ended up getting together and we've been together for a year now and it's been a rollercoaster. when it's good it's great and when it's bad its pure hell. maybe we are both the problem i really don't know anymore.

i have issues. bad ones. but nobody takes me seriously and i'm itching to prove it to everyone and even myself. i'm not scared. i haven't been scared in a longgg time. i don't fear death one bit anymore which was crazy for me because one of my biggest fears when i was younger was death.

i'm ready to do it, i have been ready for so unbelievably long. i'm 18 now and i've endured so many years of unrelenting torture from everyone and everything. i can't wait for it all to be over. i'm getting all excited now haha. but unfortunately i still have to graduate high school i want to do that at least, just to prove i could. i'll be graduating in late may and i'm sure it won't be much long after that. i want to get things over with before i get much older. i'm terrified of ending up with a fucked up life as an adult on my own because of all my issues, which is a real possibility. so i might as well end it before i really get started.

i won't really go over my method on this post i'll just leave it for another one because i'm not really sure how successful it will end up being, and i'm open to trying to find ones with a higher success rate.

 

[Nikalas]

At least you got a partner in life.

 

[nanfranci]

At least you got a partner in life.

you're right. i was lucky to even have them here to support me despite the issues that we have. they're one of the best things that has happened to me regardless of everything.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand why you would be looking forward to being free from this world, there really is far too much suffering in existence and it's horrible how cruel humans create so much harm. But anyway I wish you the best, I hope that you find what you are looking for.

 

[AkaRed]

I'm sorry to here that your experiences with family/partnership haven't been entirely positive. Having been apart of a toxic relationship myself, I know the effects it can have on you mentally. As you said- the good times are especially good, with the bad times being especially bad. It fucks with you. It's not wrong to admit they've hurt you before too, you can't avoid these things, unfortunately. I don't know your exact situation so it's not like I have any solid statements to give, but I just hope you make the right decision for yourself. For the people affecting you negatively most in your life, please try not to let them sway you into decisions you wouldn't make without them. Wishing you the best!
<3