maru.
Experienced
- Apr 6, 2020
- 226
Today i became 21, and it has been one of the most conflicting days of my life mental health wise.
I wake up as normal, go to my online class for a presentation me and my group had to do, it went fairly well.
My family then wishes me a happy birthday as they do every year, which is nice.
So far everything was pretty normal, but some friends of mine got that good old facebook notification, and wished me happy birthday on our whatsapp friends group and class group.
This is where things got really weird inside my head.
The messages i got, there were so many, especially since i'm class representative, i kind of talk to everyone, and get along with everyone, and it was so heartwarming.
A whole class group filled with messages wishing me all the best, so many classmates, people i love.
The ones that closer friends sent me, about 12, also warmed my heart in a way i can't describe, i told them in our group that i love them, no homo, but i love them, genuinely.
My aunt called me aswell, and wished me all of the best, she talked about how she wishes for me to be happy, and for my dreams to come true.
When my family came back home from work, we ate dinner together, a bunch of junk food, but it felt good.
Then the gifts started, my sister gave me a bunch of stuff, a very beautiful and gentle letter, and a Wacom Intuous.
I barely draw anymore, so i felt awful about it, because i know these things aren't cheap, and everyone in the house is already paying for my college.
It was also weird since my relationship with my sister is weird, she can be so kind at times, like this one for example, but she can also be so awful and hurtful to me.
Sometimes i talk shit about her due to a few occasions where i felt she was pretty much abusive, but hey, i'm a crap brother too, i can't complain, actually, that's what hurt.
I felt so bad, like, i think and talk so much crap about her when she's mean, but there she was, being kind, spending a bunch of money on me, i'm such a spoiled brat.
I then had an online class from a subject only i'm doing among my friends, so no cheating, i'll fail for sure, they offered to help anyway, but i'm not sure if it'll work.
Then, to finish the day off, came the cake, homemade, really well made by my mom and sister, it tasted wonderful.
Now, i'm gonna start by apologizing if this was triggering in anyway, i know some people would give anything to have any of this, i'm starving with a full plate, fuck me.
Talking about it can be insensible, i think, almost like i'm bragging somehow, i'm sorry if that's how it came across, i truly am.
I feel bad about being depressed even though i'm so much better of than so many people i've seen here, like, i don't have a right to be depressed, you know?
Moving on, i felt so weird today, like, i've spent the last few days very carefully planning on how to buy SN without anyone in the house seeing it and noticing it.
I'm set on this future, i'm going to ctb, i don't have any objectives, hopes, interests or dreams anymore, every day i just feel awful all of the time, i can barely feel pleasure anymore.
Suddently comes this fucking day, and i'm reminded that there are so many people i love so much, and these people want me to stay, they want me to be happy, they treat me so well!
I have eveything anyone could ever want, loving family, loving friends, i go to an expensive college, what is wrong with me?
I was so sure that i was gonna ctb, i was starting to be at peace with it, and now this, it was such a good day, but it's been long since i felt this goddamn unhappy.
I don't get it, nothing bad actually happened, i just don't know.
To finish off, i decided to write this mostly due to one moment, blowing the candles.
You know, make a wish, right?
Ok, my family sings me happy birthday, and i go near the cake, what was i wishing for inside my head?
There were 2 things, at the same time.
"I want things to get better."
"I want to succesfully kill myself."
Both shouting at the same time, i didn't know which one i wanted most, they both felt real somehow.
Like, i don't even know what "getting better" means, i think about it every day, and it means nothing anymore as far as i'm concerned, i'm already done.
But, you know, in moments like these you get more filled with positivity, this was the result, the mind that was so set on killing myself, shouting that it wants to "get better" and stuff.
My mind is so fucked right now, i want to die so badly, i'm not cut out for life, i'm so tired, i just want to rest so much.
At the same time, i want to stay, not because i have any dreams, anything i like doing or want to accomplish, but there are people here that i love so much, just so much.
I want to spend more time with them.
I don't want to make them sad, they don't deserve it, i'm such a burden, everyone is so kind and does so much for me, only for me to kill myself and hurt them? fuck me, just fuck me.
Still, if i stay, like, my mind is so fucked, what good does staying for them even do? Eventually i'm just gonna dissapoint everyone and become more of a burden, for sure.
People will be sad if i go, people will be sad if i stay, but if i go i don't have to deal with the consequences.
I don't know, i think it's clear from my wish, if you can call it that, that i don't know anything anymore, i'm so happy today, but i'm more miserable than before too.
Someone, for the love of God, please save me.
I'm almost crying as i'm typing all of this, what the fuck is wrong with me?
I wake up as normal, go to my online class for a presentation me and my group had to do, it went fairly well.
My family then wishes me a happy birthday as they do every year, which is nice.
So far everything was pretty normal, but some friends of mine got that good old facebook notification, and wished me happy birthday on our whatsapp friends group and class group.
This is where things got really weird inside my head.
The messages i got, there were so many, especially since i'm class representative, i kind of talk to everyone, and get along with everyone, and it was so heartwarming.
A whole class group filled with messages wishing me all the best, so many classmates, people i love.
The ones that closer friends sent me, about 12, also warmed my heart in a way i can't describe, i told them in our group that i love them, no homo, but i love them, genuinely.
My aunt called me aswell, and wished me all of the best, she talked about how she wishes for me to be happy, and for my dreams to come true.
When my family came back home from work, we ate dinner together, a bunch of junk food, but it felt good.
Then the gifts started, my sister gave me a bunch of stuff, a very beautiful and gentle letter, and a Wacom Intuous.
I barely draw anymore, so i felt awful about it, because i know these things aren't cheap, and everyone in the house is already paying for my college.
It was also weird since my relationship with my sister is weird, she can be so kind at times, like this one for example, but she can also be so awful and hurtful to me.
Sometimes i talk shit about her due to a few occasions where i felt she was pretty much abusive, but hey, i'm a crap brother too, i can't complain, actually, that's what hurt.
I felt so bad, like, i think and talk so much crap about her when she's mean, but there she was, being kind, spending a bunch of money on me, i'm such a spoiled brat.
I then had an online class from a subject only i'm doing among my friends, so no cheating, i'll fail for sure, they offered to help anyway, but i'm not sure if it'll work.
Then, to finish the day off, came the cake, homemade, really well made by my mom and sister, it tasted wonderful.
Now, i'm gonna start by apologizing if this was triggering in anyway, i know some people would give anything to have any of this, i'm starving with a full plate, fuck me.
Talking about it can be insensible, i think, almost like i'm bragging somehow, i'm sorry if that's how it came across, i truly am.
I feel bad about being depressed even though i'm so much better of than so many people i've seen here, like, i don't have a right to be depressed, you know?
Moving on, i felt so weird today, like, i've spent the last few days very carefully planning on how to buy SN without anyone in the house seeing it and noticing it.
I'm set on this future, i'm going to ctb, i don't have any objectives, hopes, interests or dreams anymore, every day i just feel awful all of the time, i can barely feel pleasure anymore.
Suddently comes this fucking day, and i'm reminded that there are so many people i love so much, and these people want me to stay, they want me to be happy, they treat me so well!
I have eveything anyone could ever want, loving family, loving friends, i go to an expensive college, what is wrong with me?
I was so sure that i was gonna ctb, i was starting to be at peace with it, and now this, it was such a good day, but it's been long since i felt this goddamn unhappy.
I don't get it, nothing bad actually happened, i just don't know.
To finish off, i decided to write this mostly due to one moment, blowing the candles.
You know, make a wish, right?
Ok, my family sings me happy birthday, and i go near the cake, what was i wishing for inside my head?
There were 2 things, at the same time.
"I want things to get better."
"I want to succesfully kill myself."
Both shouting at the same time, i didn't know which one i wanted most, they both felt real somehow.
Like, i don't even know what "getting better" means, i think about it every day, and it means nothing anymore as far as i'm concerned, i'm already done.
But, you know, in moments like these you get more filled with positivity, this was the result, the mind that was so set on killing myself, shouting that it wants to "get better" and stuff.
My mind is so fucked right now, i want to die so badly, i'm not cut out for life, i'm so tired, i just want to rest so much.
At the same time, i want to stay, not because i have any dreams, anything i like doing or want to accomplish, but there are people here that i love so much, just so much.
I want to spend more time with them.
I don't want to make them sad, they don't deserve it, i'm such a burden, everyone is so kind and does so much for me, only for me to kill myself and hurt them? fuck me, just fuck me.
Still, if i stay, like, my mind is so fucked, what good does staying for them even do? Eventually i'm just gonna dissapoint everyone and become more of a burden, for sure.
People will be sad if i go, people will be sad if i stay, but if i go i don't have to deal with the consequences.
I don't know, i think it's clear from my wish, if you can call it that, that i don't know anything anymore, i'm so happy today, but i'm more miserable than before too.
Someone, for the love of God, please save me.
I'm almost crying as i'm typing all of this, what the fuck is wrong with me?
