It was finally getting better, until it wasn’t.

[theviewfromhalfway]

I have been suicidal for a long time and my relationship wasn't the healthiest but I've recently started therapy and me and my partner have been doing really good. We are both 20 and he's just been kicked out by his mum as she only wants to live with her children from a different dad. My parents haven't got enough room for both of us even though I can stay there but I would like to live with him as we have been a long time now. He has no one else and he's looking to rent somewhere with a friend but is gonna struggle and I feel terrible. I haven't had a job as I broke my back and foot but I've been doing university for psychology. I'm looking for jobs now even though I'm not better physically yet but I need to help him. I feel like I should just kill myself and it would be easier for him, I know that's stupid but I feel like I can't handle any of this. We have a holiday booked in august and are saving up for it but now we can't, it's been booked since last year and I'm just so scared he's not going to be able to pay for anything (eg, rent, car). I feel it's my fault as I've been out of work and even if I get a job now I won't get paid until next month or the month after. I feel like I've let him down and I should just disappear. It probably doesn't sound like much at all but I'm just so scared for our relationship too, it's the one good thing I have. I don't know what to do, I feel like I just need to go and he'll be fine without me because he can sell my things and won't have to worry about paying for food and things for me for this next month. I need to get money before I go but I don't know what to do.

 

[Catastrofe]

I hope this does not sound nasty or provocative, but I tell you what I thought reading the post.
I am very sure your partner would million times have you and have money problems, rather than not have you and be able to afford expenses for a month. You have not let him down, you are trying to make your mind up for helping him, which is exactly the opposite. I imagine that, should you ctb, he will feel extremely in pain, alone, and maybe guilty. You guys are doing an awsome job togrther, going to therapy and getting better : I am sure he also enjoys it, getting better together.

This sounds like suicidal ideation is coming ( this time at least) because you feel trapped and you do not see a way out of a situation that is causing you deep pain. Which is totally understandable - if this may help, it is quite a common reason why suicidal thoughts come. Als

Now, coming to the situation. It seems like this planned holiday is putting you in a big discomfort now, because it puts pressure on you.
Would that be an option to cancel your bookings?
I know it is not nice, and it is something you are looking forward to, but maybe at the moment would be better to focus on the issues you guys are dealing with, and then save an holiday for a moment you will be a bit more economically stable.

Let us know!

 

[theviewfromhalfway]

I hope this does not sound nasty or provocative, but I tell you what I thought reading the post.
I am very sure your partner would million times have you and have money problems, rather than not have you and be able to afford expenses for a month. You have not let him down, you are trying to make your mind up for helping him, which is exactly the opposite. I imagine that, should you ctb, he will feel extremely in pain, alone, and maybe guilty. You guys are doing an awsome job togrther, going to therapy and getting better : I am sure he also enjoys it, getting better together.

This sounds like suicidal ideation is coming ( this time at least) because you feel trapped and you do not see a way out of a situation that is causing you deep pain. Which is totally understandable - if this may help, it is quite a common reason why suicidal thoughts come. Als

Now, coming to the situation. It seems like this planned holiday is putting you in a big discomfort now, because it puts pressure on you.
Would that be an option to cancel your bookings?
I know it is not nice, and it is something you are looking forward to, but maybe at the moment would be better to focus on the issues you guys are dealing with, and then save an holiday for a moment you will be a bit more economically stable.

Let us know!

Thank you for your response and thank you for letting me see his pov. We wouldn't get money back for the holiday and have already paid over half off. It's all inclusive so once paid we wouldn't need much money it's just for like holiday clothes and stuff but I could probably borrow some. He's going to try and get some help from the council to help pay for the rent, it's just a new situation and I've never been good at handling things. He always has as he's never really had anyone but I've got parents that no matter what, would always have me home. It's just a stressful situation and I feel like I need to take on his pain because i haven't got money right now. I've been considering selling some of my things but he won't let me. I just hope I can find a job asap, I have exams this month and next month for uni so it will be difficult but I can do it. My mind just always goes to that place and I wasn't even planning on being alive at 20 let alone affording to rent and my partner being basically homeless. I would have him stay at mine but I've recently moved into the smallest room as I was living with him so there wouldn't be space for us now.

 

[FuneralCry]

That really does sound like such a tiring situation to be trapped in, it's awful how life can very easily get worse, just causing more suffering. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Catastrofe]

Thank you for your response and thank you for letting me see his pov. We wouldn't get money back for the holiday and have already paid over half off. It's all inclusive so once paid we wouldn't need much money it's just for like holiday clothes and stuff but I could probably borrow some. He's going to try and get some help from the council to help pay for the rent, it's just a new situation and I've never been good at handling things. He always has as he's never really had anyone but I've got parents that no matter what, would always have me home. It's just a stressful situation and I feel like I need to take on his pain because i haven't got money right now. I've been considering selling some of my things but he won't let me. I just hope I can find a job asap, I have exams this month and next month for uni so it will be difficult but I can do it. My mind just always goes to that place and I wasn't even planning on being alive at 20 let alone affording to rent and my partner being basically homeless. I would have him stay at mine but I've recently moved into the smallest room as I was living with him so there wouldn't be space for us now.

I see your struggles, I am sorry you are going through this.

I told my psychologist about my suicidal ideations and researches, and then we have also told about other things that make me angry or that I like. Everytime we go like this he tells me : "there is so much energy here, so much will power, that usually do not come when someone wants to ctb".
I would say the same to you. There os so much energy and will in what you say, that I do understand the suicidal feeling, but I see you are also fighting it.

Whatever you want to do is your free decision and you will find support here.
I hope you take care of yourself for now, let is know!