It sucks pretending to be okay

[willitpass]

It's so fucking draining pretending to be okay for everyone. I honestly miss three years ago when I was incredibly sick and everyone knew, so I didn't even bother masking. Everyone knew I was suicidal and that I was planning on killing myself, they just tried their best to help me. It wasn't fair to them to put them under that stress, and I'm not trying to get sectioned, so I won't do it again, but god pretending to be okay is awful. Even when I do talk to someone about being down I just say I'm feeling a little shitty today but I'll be okay don't worry. It's so fucking hard.

 

[sensenmann]

Masking can be very exhausting, it feels like you need to have a complete meltdown for them to take you seriously then after some time they think you're okay, even though you still feel the same.

 

[TheHuman]

Masking can be very exhausting, it feels like you need to have a complete meltdown for them to take you seriously then after some time they think you're okay, even though you still feel the same.

Yeah masking is very difficult, but also its unsustainable for extended periods of time since you just, like you said go through "highs and lows" when your just always low, and just hurting inside. I hate that society has forced us do this if we just want to control our own destiny.

 

[Whats wrong with me]

Masking that's what I do. Thank you for that. Masking is better than faking. So I mask around my family. I hide behind sunglasses in plain site. I'm careful that my tears are not seen. The pain is awful. Sometimes I want to just disappear and other times I want to leave a scene so maybe that message will at least get through.

 

[BleedingHeartofPain]

Masking can be very exhausting, it feels like you need to have a complete meltdown for them to take you seriously then after some time they think you're okay, even though you still feel the same.

It's beyond exhausting, especially when you can tell that they only want a short answer. I had a failed attempt in April and when I am around people who know and they see I'm visibly not ok all I ever hear is how strong I am and how since I pulled through that I can pull through anything. It's simply not true, but explaining that to them is futile.

 

[SuicidalOrganism]

i hate when people tell me "smile man, smile"

 

[The anhedonic one]

Trying to wear a mask of normality when all you want to do is die is exhausting.
It's 10 times harder though when people invalidate your feelings of suffering, and say moronic things such as " pull yourself together " .
So sorry you are going through this. It's brutal.

 

[willitpass]

i hate when people tell me "smile man, smile"

"Just think positive, why are you always so negative"

 

[MrDarkness]

It is to very exhausting to fake being well, I've had several breakdowns due to it. But I find peace in seeing the smiles for the people are care about. I hate worrying people I just wanna see them smile

 

[SunnyDay_NoSunshine]

yeah pretending to be ok is darn tough. you have to come up with the energy to act normal when you already dont have any. you go down the hole a bit further every time you need to pretend

 

[telro]

My motivation for continuing to pretend is that I need to make sure people don't interfere with my plans to ctb, but it is quite tough still

 

[UKscotty]

Just remember that most people don't even give a shit either way. They just want a nice short answer.

 

[woh6]

I understand how you feel. Masking is so draining. Even if someone asks how I'm really doing I can't open up because I wouldn't want to burden anyone with that, and usually people don't even want to deal with that side of things.

 

[Anon1337]

Same here. When I think about this I realize that I pretend all the time. I have to put on a facade otherwise people would hate me or find me more weird.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be really tiring being around people like that, but I guess pretending is always for the best as sadly we exist in a world where being honest very often just leads to more suffering, it sounds horrible to me ending up in some psych ward.

 

[Aisley]

i hate when people tell me "smile man, smile"

i give the deadest, surest eye contact, the deadest face until they back away with skin crawling from the awkwardness, just wanting the moment to pass. No one says that to me anymore, and I don't think they say it to anyone else, either, after a moment like that. The absolute gall of some people, attemting to assume control over your face, any part of Your Body.

 

[Kerrtu]

I understand how you feel. Masking is so draining. Even if someone asks how I'm really doing I can't open up because I wouldn't want to burden anyone with that, and usually people don't even want to deal with that side of things.

My father, brother and SIL have their own masks, too. They are the usual people you speak of, who don't want to deal with "that side of things".

They're supposedly "normal" by society standards. They pretend to be altruistic, empathetic. They show off their expensive cars and home on IG, etc., but when it comes down to any kind of emotion other than jazz hands, they either ghost (SIL), rage out (father) or as my brother did, text me at 3am when I was in crisis to tell me they can't have "this kind of stuff in their lives."

I haven't spoken with any of them since - blocked all of them. One of my favorite phone features really. It'll be 2 years in September since I decided "fuck it" - these people aren't really family. They aren't even my friends.

I did hear through my sister that my brother had tried reaching out to me but his messages weren't going through. Whatever he had to say, it wouldn't have made a difference. It's not worth maintaining a fake bond.

It must be really tiring being around people like that, but I guess pretending is always for the best as sadly we exist in a world where being honest very often just leads to more suffering, it sounds horrible to me ending up in some psych ward.

"…we exist in a world where being honest very often just leads to more suffering."

Truth.

After I broke my neck, I applied for SSI. I didn't really want to, but my father didn't believe I'd recover and was basically ready and waiting to bury me.

I did get approved for SSI, though there are very strict guidelines which cause immense stress. Anyway, SS called to check in on me after I escaped my father and was living in a different city. I was honest with them. Told them of my finances (not like I'm hiding a small fortune but still) and I now owe them 8k approx. They take out a chunk each month, and will until it's paid back.

For further reading if anyone else here is on SSI, or are just curious -

The Disability Trap

A Deadly Poverty Trap: Asset Limits in the Time of the Coronavirus

Even the caseworker I used to have told me I should've lied to Social Security.