Venting It seems like I am getting better, and I hate it

[sadlyexisting]

I got used to the pain over the years, I don't know how being truly happy really feels like. Recently I started to enjoy life, I don't know why or how, but somehow I just did. I don't even know if it's happiness or something else, my mental breakdowns went away, and I cry less often. On the other hand, I have much more anxiety attacks, and they have gotten worse in the past few weeks. I still want to die, I still want to let this go, but this confidence goes more away every single day.

I still remember a few weeks ago, I sat in my bed, everything lined up perfectly, my feelings, the confidence, the situation, everything was just so perfect to ctb. I still hate myself for not doing it. After that day everything seemed to get better, at least my feelings have gotten better, the anxiety and stress level are still rising though.

If I am being honest, I don't know how I feel, if it's just my soul trying to numb these feelings, or if they are really better. I just hope to have this feeling of being ready to ctb again soon. I can't deal with this anxiety anymore, I just can't. I need to let go. Why is my soul working against it? I just don't get it.

Soon is my birthday, actually I wanted to be gone by that, but well, seems like it won't work out. Another year of stress, anxiety and suffering is over soon. I hope next year I won't be here anymore to celebrate it.

I am done. I am so done, the only thing that's missing is this stupid confidence and feeling of being ready to go. Well, I can just hope and wait till I am ready.

 

[meltskelt]

I got used to the pain over the years, I don't know how being truly happy really feels like. Recently I started to enjoy life, I don't know why or how, but somehow I just did. I don't even know if it's happiness or something else, my mental breakdowns went away, and I cry less often. On the other hand, I have much more anxiety attacks, and they have gotten worse in the past few weeks. I still want to die, I still want to let this go, but this confidence goes more away every single day.

I still remember a few weeks ago, I sat in my bed, everything lined up perfectly, my feelings, the confidence, the situation, everything was just so perfect to ctb. I still hate myself for not doing it. After that day everything seemed to get better, at least my feelings have gotten better, the anxiety and stress level are still rising though.

If I am being honest, I don't know how I feel, if it's just my soul trying to numb these feelings, or if they are really better. I just hope to have this feeling of being ready to ctb again soon. I can't deal with this anxiety anymore, I just can't. I need to let go. Why is my soul working against it? I just don't get it.

Soon is my birthday, actually I wanted to be gone by that, but well, seems like it won't work out. Another year of stress, anxiety and suffering is over soon. I hope next year I won't be here anymore to celebrate it.

I am done. I am so done, the only thing that's missing is this stupid confidence and feeling of being ready to go. Well, I can just hope and wait till I am ready.

I kind of have a similiar feeling. Sometimes life just seems ok and u r like " oh... What if i dont need to die?" But ( at least for me) I know that soon my suicide thougths are gonna come back. What I can say to you is to take some time to think about yourself and what you really want for your future

 

[SplitInfrastructure]

feeling simmilar here. Its important to take a step back and really think it through, ctb doesnt have to be your main point in life, I usually think about it as an escape plan more than a goal, whenever Im enjoying my time I embrace it as its hard to come by, I stopped thinking about it as an ending but a possibility and its helping me a bit
Im too comforted by saddness and its hard to enjoy things for me, but I stop thinking about it that much when I tell myself that if things go wrong, Ill take my plans out into action