It is weird but I still want to die

[deathenvoy]

So I tried to make improvements in my life:
- eating good
- going to gym
- going to church and socializing with people
- looking for a job
And I feel better. I feel pretty good.
But I still want to die. I am actually more destructive when I am feeling good than when I am miserable. I fought so hard to just feel like this? Maybe I felt miserable for such a long time that I got accustomed for it and now it weird to feel good? Or maybe it just a disappointment that this is all I can count for? Or maybe deep down I know that my depression episodes are recurring and they are waiting to destroy my life again even when I will rebuild it? Maybe I am no longer anxious and I stopped fearing death?
Does anyone feels similar?

 

[not_a_robot]

When you accepted the inevitability of your own death, you saw through the illusions people use to imagine that life has meaning. It is hard to reverse it.

 

[andy69]

Yes, yes, yes.

I am trying to get better after my partner left me. I am going back to school to find new job opportunities and maybe a career. I have gone on an exercise and diet program. Exercise everyday.

But most of the time I feel they are acts of futility. Even if I am successful, I am still going to be empty and not good enough. I am going to end up failing again. I believe I am one more setback away from ending it all.

 

[Jean Améry]

Strangly yes. A girl I'm seeing sent me an e-mail agreeing to the proposed meeting (a brief classical concert followed by a movie), this after we had a fight so it seems the row is over. This morning I learned I'm hired for a job I applied for which would not be half bad really. This saves me from unemployment and the inevitable deep depression this would bring.

Of course there's stil a lot of shit wrong with my life but this good news should in theory provide some form of excitement or at least contentment but it doesn't. I had to force myself to sound cheerful on the phone while I thought 'meh'. The woman was explaining that after the contract of a year was up I'd have to pass an exam to get a contract for an indefinite period which would mean the job would be mine for aslong as I'd have it and I didn't majorly screw up.

There's no way I'm doing that job for years on end so it was pretty funny she assumed that's what I wanted. The truth is I don't want to have to deal with any of this shit and I'd rather be rid of the need to act and be productive for good.

Philosophically I'm convinced life is fundamentally defective and not designed to allow true, lasting happiness. The fact that we have a body that deteriorates and will sooner or later break down beyond repair is positive proof of this. Not to mention the depths of mental and emotional hell that are possible.

Why should I continue to suffer and expend much energy and effort just to make life bearable? Yet if there's something I learned from the bleak, unrelenting low that has been my life for 16 years now it's that not doing anything and letting oneself go is a surefire recepy for even more misery and suffering. It's still better to be suicidally depressed and suffer physical ailments while being employed and having a roof over one's head, access to good food and hygiene etcetera than to feel the same but have to live on the street.

In life the wise man always chooses the lesser of two evils knowing full well there is no 'good' option and happiness will always elude him. That is why great philosophers like Aristotle, Schopenhauer and Popper advocated negative utilitarianism: sensible people should not strive for pleasure but avoidance of pain. Happiness in this life is nothing more than a tolerable existence that does not contain great pain or discomfort.

This of course raises the question 'why bother?' if that is all there is to strive for.

To answer your question: my guess would be that if you're miserable you have less energy to plan let alone take action. When your energy returns so does the will to self-destruction.

Imo it's a good thing you're taking steps to improve your life: less miserable is better than deeply miserable.

 

[262653]

When your energy returns so does the will to self-destruction.

Sometimes I feel like I am intentionally starved/starving myself from energy just to keep suicidal urges at bay.

*But I agree that doing nothing is the worst. Thank you for reminding of that.

 

[JoeFailure]

So I tried to make improvements in my life:
- eating good
- going to gym
- going to church and socializing with people
- looking for a job
And I feel better. I feel pretty good.
But I still want to die. I am actually more destructive when I am feeling good than when I am miserable. I fought so hard to just feel like this? Maybe I felt miserable for such a long time that I got accustomed for it and now it weird to feel good? Or maybe it just a disappointment that this is all I can count for? Or maybe deep down I know that my depression episodes are recurring and they are waiting to destroy my life again even when I will rebuild it? Maybe I am no longer anxious and I stopped fearing death?
Does anyone feels similar?

No, I'd love to feel good again. Keep going on that track, those feelings might lessen as you keep doing what you're doing.

Obviously there's no promises in this life like I used to think, but it is possible that things could get better, and it could all be worth it.

 

[Lost]

Yes, yes, yes.

I am trying to get better after my partner left me. I am going back to school to find new job opportunities and maybe a career. I have gone on an exercise and diet program. Exercise everyday.

But most of the time I feel they are acts of futility. Even if I am successful, I am still going to be empty and not good enough. I am going to end up failing again. I believe I am one more setback away from ending it all.

Yes I know how you feel.

 

[JoeFailure]

Yes, yes, yes.

I am trying to get better after my partner left me. I am going back to school to find new job opportunities and maybe a career. I have gone on an exercise and diet program. Exercise everyday.

But most of the time I feel they are acts of futility. Even if I am successful, I am still going to be empty and not good enough. I am going to end up failing again. I believe I am one more setback away from ending it all.

I know it's hard, but try not to think of it like that. You're going back to school which is huge, I would love to have the means to do that.

You definitely have a chance to be successful. Good luck!

 

[deathenvoy]

Maybe it is my Imp of the Perverse

 

[Niko]

I admire your drive to keep doing things that are productive even when you feel like you're at the end of your rope. That takes a lot of inner strength and if I were you I'd be so proud of that : )
I have the problem where when I'm feeling so low, like I am now, I don't want to do anything. No exercise no work no meditation no social interaction, nothing that would probably help me feel better. I have no drive to do anything now, just sit here and mope and sleep all day & night. I wish I had your strength and discipline.

 

[deathenvoy]

I admire your drive to keep doing things that are productive even when you feel like you're at the end of your rope. That takes a lot of inner strength and if I were you I'd be so proud of that : )
I have the problem where when I'm feeling so low, like I am now, I don't want to do anything. No exercise no work no meditation no social interaction, nothing that would probably help me feel better. I have no drive to do anything now, just sit here and mope and sleep all day & night. I wish I had your strength and discipline.

I was like that a month ago. I don't know if I can attribute it to my inner strength. Maybe just depression has lessened and allowed me to do these things.

 

[pinkelephant6]

i totally get that.

everything in my life is good from an objective point of view. i'm doing well in university, have mostly supportive family/friends, stable income, etc. but i still feel like ending it out of "apathy of life" so to speak. i've had really bad anxiety my entire life and even though i'm "doing better" now, i feel the most self-destructive. i have no idea why either; everything should be going well for me, but it isn't at a very fundamental deep level.

it could be, as others here have pointed out, that we have the energy to sustain a "healthy" life, but coupled with that, the self-destructive thoughts that come with our mental predispositions, whatever those may be. honestly, i don't know, but my current goal is to just take it one day at a time and to see how life plays out.

anyways, i wish you the best of luck with whatever path you decide to take. just know that you're not the only one with these feelings.

 

[not_a_robot]

Yes, yes, yes.

I am trying to get better after my partner left me. I am going back to school to find new job opportunities and maybe a career. I have gone on an exercise and diet program. Exercise everyday.

But most of the time I feel they are acts of futility. Even if I am successful, I am still going to be empty and not good enough. I am going to end up failing again. I believe I am one more setback away from ending it all.

I have found letting go of the pursuit of those things actually made me enjoy life more. Letting go of all that pressure to feel "worthy" -- of whom?
For what? It's all just a treadmill that leads nowhere but the grave. I may as well relax and just enjoy the show while the world goes to hell. Accepting that nobody loves me is no tragedy, it just means I can wear whatever I want and stop holding in my farts. #WINNING!

 

[dandan]

Bro, I've been doing things a lot,
I've decided to keep N in the fridge, and give life a chance.

Its not awful.

But recurring thoughts of what my life could've been, and the situation im now in, (which is not bad, but not what could've been)
even so... I 'm thinking why go through it?

Maybe I'm just living so my mom doesn't go through hell loosing me.

Do I want to live?
the life I would've live ... yes!!
the life im living, do I want it to continue for many years? hahahah no

 

[Mbound]

When you accepted the inevitability of your own death, you saw through the illusions people use to imagine that life has meaning. It is hard to reverse it.

100%

 

[sadbunny]

I'm killing myself because I haven't felt good in over two years...maybe you're just over-thinking it. Take advantage of what life has handed to you. I'd do anything to feel good again

 

[soda_pressed]

I relate to this so much. I'm starting to go to the gym more and eat healthier, which to everyone else thinks is an attempt by me to feel better and be less depressed, when it's completely for aesthetic issues, and will only give me more energy to kill myself when the time comes (most likely within 3 months)

 

[not_a_robot]

I relate to this so much. I'm starting to go to the gym more and eat healthier, which to everyone else thinks is an attempt by me to feel better and be less depressed, when it's completely for aesthetic issues, and will only give me more energy to kill myself when the time comes (most likely within 3 months)

"Live fast, Die young, leave a good looking corpse."

I read a story about this once. How a guy got all motivated to improve himself before death. He got fixated on the bullet he meant to ctb with. Women were suddenly attracted to his "improved" self but the only thing he could talk to anymore was Bullet, his best friend. Carried it around everywhere.

 

[soda_pressed]

"Live fast, Die young, leave a good looking corpse."

I read a story about this once. How a guy got all motivated to improve himself before death. He got fixated on the bullet he meant to ctb with. Women were suddenly attracted to his "improved" self but the only thing he could talk to anymore was Bullet, his best friend. Carried it around everywhere.

I'm going to wear a mouth guard when I ctb via jumping- the thing I'm most worried about isn't jumping but injuring my teeth.

 

[andy69]

I know it's hard, but try not to think of it like that. You're going back to school which is huge, I would love to have the means to do that.

You definitely have a chance to be successful. Good luck!

Part of going to school again is that it is confirming my feelings of ending it all. I am not really motivated. The students there so much younger than I am that it is almost embarrassing. I think the age discrimination I am going to face after I finish will be too much to bear.

I still have my broken heart which can't seem to heal. I will never get over it even if I try.

 

[Gavr1212]

When you accepted the inevitability of your own death, you saw through the illusions people use to imagine that life has meaning. It is hard to reverse it.

This is exactly it. Sometimes I am in deep pain. Other times things are okay. Always I want to not exist.

 

[LSD_ie]

Completely agree. It feels good but it's meaningless. It's like getting rewards on a game. It's great but in the end I don't really care at all