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noname223

Archangel
Aug 18, 2020
6,046
My last 6 attempts to work failed abysmally. At the last two chances I got severly ill after one week. I either get manic or severly depressed. Both makes it impossible to work. At the moment I try to study and I am turingn very ill. At the weekend I try to relax. I even took lorazepam but this won't work for a long time. I am really desperate. Many professionals told me this would work. I told them that I really doubt it. I was right in the end, I wish they would have been right.
If you get mistreated as a child your mind can be so fucked.. I have many different mental illnesses. I am a wreck.

That this attempt to study did not work has many negative consequences. I think the best thing I could do is finally tell the truth to the job centre and give up. I cannot stop anything. I will ctb in the future due to poverty and bipolar and many other reasons. I really fighted hard my dad told me yesterday I would be obliged to try it as they give me money. I think barely anyone would have done this 6 attempts. In my bipolar self aid group many have given up after the first attempt to work again.
They had the luck to have a high pension or stuff like that. For me I did not have much luck in this life.
I think I am at the moment not capable to imagine all the negative consequences of this new failure. I think atm I am in the surival mode not to get even more ill. My therapists don't want that I give . In case of my psychologist this is kind of irresponsible i guess. I was really at the edge of mania at the last appoinment.
I never told him I am going to ctb when I get severly depressed again but I left many hints.
I think I should call my psychiatrist and describe the situation. It is so hard for me to stop studying. I don't want to be a quitter but becoming manic would be a catastrophe.
 
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fox_wannabe

fox_wannabe

Enlightened
Jul 7, 2021
1,112
Can you afford taking a break from work or college to focus on your friends or family or hobbies? I am sorry that you have to go through all that stress, things like that gave me depression episode. Maybe work and college at the same time is a bit too much for you. I hope you get better
 
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FuneralCry

FuneralCry

Just wanting some peace
Sep 24, 2020
43,439
It sounds like you are going through a lot. I'm sorry that things are this bad. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.
 
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noname223

Archangel
Aug 18, 2020
6,046
Can you afford taking a break from work or college to focus on your friends or family or hobbies? I am sorry that you have to go through all that stress, things like that gave me depression episode. Maybe work and college at the same time is a bit too much for you. I hope you get better
It is even more pathetic. I never made college and work at the same time. These were seperate attempts. One week working (30 hours) made me terrebily depressed. Now half a year later 1 week college brings me on the edge of mania.
 
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