Hello. I'm new here, but I've stumbled across this website a couple times over the past year and read quite a few posts.
I'm in a lot of pain, mentally and off an on physically. I have no family, and the two friends I have don't give a shit. They reply to me once a week, days to a week later. I even told them I'm not doing so good and need to talk to someone. I thought they were my friends, but it seems my stupid ass has been naive and wrong yet again. I have ADHD, and I strongly suspect I have ASD in conjunction with it. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety years ago now, was in therapy and psychiatry for years, this is where we're at. Worse than ever before.
My job is a big reason for my misery. I have tried my ass off to find a new job, a position worth having, and I haven't had any luck. It's not a hard or intensive job, but the harassment, lack of management, and bullshit drives me crazy. I did a lot of cleaning and organizing. When I started there, the spot I would call my work area had stacks and stacks of randomly assorted paper, books, catalogs, hardware, and JUNK. It took me days between regular duties to make headway. I get called a lazy pain in the ass. I used to take out the trash regularly since no one else was and it was bothering me, then it became my job alone. Then they expected me to pick up all the trash and shit they throw on the floor next to the half full can because they are disrespectful lazy pieces of shit. Then, I start finding that if I take the trash out at the end of the day or end of Friday so that disgusting stuff doesnt sit in it and gather a colony of flies for me next time I come in, I find it full of beer bottles and food and flies anyway. They do this shit on purpose, intentionally. Just like the window game theyve been playing this week. There is one window in the room I work in. They are running a cable through it, so it is slightly cracked. The cable isnt being used. A lot of ants have been finding their way in and onto my desk. A lot of mosquitos and flies come in because the the swamp next door. The A/C system is set to 81 to spite us, the people who work inside, so the less "cold" air escapes, the better. I tried to mitigate this by putting a thin strip of cardboard over the gap. I just set it there, nothing elaborate. They saw I had an issue with the window gap and dont care about the bug infestation... so they spent all day yesterday every half an hour coming over and opening the window all the way or halfway from outside and then just walking away. They didn't grab anything, look for anything, or ask for anything. They opened the window right next to my desk from outside, and quickly walked away. Coworkers and bosses included. Is that not bad enough? I'm quick when I have to take a bathroom break, 2-3 minutes. I never take it at inconvenient times, I will hold it. Now I keep going to the bathroom and often after being in there for not even a minute someone will come and punch or bang on the bathroom door. Or when I go to open the door someone punches it. Bosses are doing this as well. Not bad enough? Someone has let the air out of my car tire twice now. The first time I had a tire shop look at it to replace it, and then just gave it back to me. I asked why, they said it didn't even need a patch. Just needed airing up.... Someone unscrewed the little cap on my tire, let the air out, screwed it all the way back on, and then pretended like nothing happened. This is the shit I have to deal with. Not to mention the whole family business/nepotism/abusive screaming and yelling that brings back childhood memories and is unbelievably unsettling.
I would like to get help, medical/mental health help, but I can't afford it. Especially not when I quit my job on Friday. I have enough in the bank to disqualify me from getting benefits in the United States, Florida. I can make it a couple months or so before Im broke. Im going to take my chances because I cant deal with that hellish place anymore. I cant fucking take it. Im going to kill myself, just a matter of when. I don't want the last time I do to be coming home from a day of that to kill myself. I want a chance to relax, get enough sleep, play some video games without the looming fear of responsibilities for the next day or FOMO of not spending my time in an enjoyable enough way... I hate having mental issues. I hate having no one in the world that loves or cares about me. I hate I have to go to work in a few minutes. Just today and tomorrow, then I can take my last paycheck and just never show up again. I just dont know what Im going to do. I cant afford help and I dont qualify for assistance, and it probably wouldn't make life worth living anyway.
My cries for help have gone heard but unvalued. My feelings and myself are worthless, which explains the way I'm treated even when I try to help and make things better for everyone while putting up with a bit of disagreeable disrespect... then I always get burned by realizing it wasn't just a little, I was just naive and ignored how nasty and terrible this person was to me because I thought they were just upset and finding a solution for them would make things better (AND MAKE MY FUCKING LIFE EASIER SO I DONT HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS DICKHEAD.)
Im so fucking scared. I am terrifed. I have it planned and Ive done an uncomfortable amount of research. Im so scared. It'll work, but what if I fuck up? What if I can't do it in the moment? My life is shit, ruined, and over, what if I can't end it??? I'm so fucking scared.
I'm in a lot of pain, mentally and off an on physically. I have no family, and the two friends I have don't give a shit. They reply to me once a week, days to a week later. I even told them I'm not doing so good and need to talk to someone. I thought they were my friends, but it seems my stupid ass has been naive and wrong yet again. I have ADHD, and I strongly suspect I have ASD in conjunction with it. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety years ago now, was in therapy and psychiatry for years, this is where we're at. Worse than ever before.
My job is a big reason for my misery. I have tried my ass off to find a new job, a position worth having, and I haven't had any luck. It's not a hard or intensive job, but the harassment, lack of management, and bullshit drives me crazy. I did a lot of cleaning and organizing. When I started there, the spot I would call my work area had stacks and stacks of randomly assorted paper, books, catalogs, hardware, and JUNK. It took me days between regular duties to make headway. I get called a lazy pain in the ass. I used to take out the trash regularly since no one else was and it was bothering me, then it became my job alone. Then they expected me to pick up all the trash and shit they throw on the floor next to the half full can because they are disrespectful lazy pieces of shit. Then, I start finding that if I take the trash out at the end of the day or end of Friday so that disgusting stuff doesnt sit in it and gather a colony of flies for me next time I come in, I find it full of beer bottles and food and flies anyway. They do this shit on purpose, intentionally. Just like the window game theyve been playing this week. There is one window in the room I work in. They are running a cable through it, so it is slightly cracked. The cable isnt being used. A lot of ants have been finding their way in and onto my desk. A lot of mosquitos and flies come in because the the swamp next door. The A/C system is set to 81 to spite us, the people who work inside, so the less "cold" air escapes, the better. I tried to mitigate this by putting a thin strip of cardboard over the gap. I just set it there, nothing elaborate. They saw I had an issue with the window gap and dont care about the bug infestation... so they spent all day yesterday every half an hour coming over and opening the window all the way or halfway from outside and then just walking away. They didn't grab anything, look for anything, or ask for anything. They opened the window right next to my desk from outside, and quickly walked away. Coworkers and bosses included. Is that not bad enough? I'm quick when I have to take a bathroom break, 2-3 minutes. I never take it at inconvenient times, I will hold it. Now I keep going to the bathroom and often after being in there for not even a minute someone will come and punch or bang on the bathroom door. Or when I go to open the door someone punches it. Bosses are doing this as well. Not bad enough? Someone has let the air out of my car tire twice now. The first time I had a tire shop look at it to replace it, and then just gave it back to me. I asked why, they said it didn't even need a patch. Just needed airing up.... Someone unscrewed the little cap on my tire, let the air out, screwed it all the way back on, and then pretended like nothing happened. This is the shit I have to deal with. Not to mention the whole family business/nepotism/abusive screaming and yelling that brings back childhood memories and is unbelievably unsettling.
I would like to get help, medical/mental health help, but I can't afford it. Especially not when I quit my job on Friday. I have enough in the bank to disqualify me from getting benefits in the United States, Florida. I can make it a couple months or so before Im broke. Im going to take my chances because I cant deal with that hellish place anymore. I cant fucking take it. Im going to kill myself, just a matter of when. I don't want the last time I do to be coming home from a day of that to kill myself. I want a chance to relax, get enough sleep, play some video games without the looming fear of responsibilities for the next day or FOMO of not spending my time in an enjoyable enough way... I hate having mental issues. I hate having no one in the world that loves or cares about me. I hate I have to go to work in a few minutes. Just today and tomorrow, then I can take my last paycheck and just never show up again. I just dont know what Im going to do. I cant afford help and I dont qualify for assistance, and it probably wouldn't make life worth living anyway.
My cries for help have gone heard but unvalued. My feelings and myself are worthless, which explains the way I'm treated even when I try to help and make things better for everyone while putting up with a bit of disagreeable disrespect... then I always get burned by realizing it wasn't just a little, I was just naive and ignored how nasty and terrible this person was to me because I thought they were just upset and finding a solution for them would make things better (AND MAKE MY FUCKING LIFE EASIER SO I DONT HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS DICKHEAD.)
Im so fucking scared. I am terrifed. I have it planned and Ive done an uncomfortable amount of research. Im so scared. It'll work, but what if I fuck up? What if I can't do it in the moment? My life is shit, ruined, and over, what if I can't end it??? I'm so fucking scared.
