It has to be today

[mirrorgurl]

Guys. I can't stand this pain anymore. I keep trying to play the game and appear like I'm improving but every decision I make things a million times worse. I feel so uncomfortable wherever I am. I fell out of work and my masters and had to move back home, I couldn't stand it there so I tried to come back to London to work and stay with a friend but I couldn't stand it there either and went to me ex's which was the worst decision ever. He had sex with me even tho I was visibly distressed and tearful
and didn't want it. I feel sick. Everything I do traumatises me more. I feel like everyone around me is so dysfunctional and they just operate like that and don't see it. They just lie to themselves that they are good people to sleep at night. I feel like that's what I used to do and now I see everything so painfully clearly I've woken up to a hell of my own making. I don't eat, I constantly want to be asleep but now sleep doesn't even bring me peace and I have awful nightmares. I've lost my job, my money, independence…the only place I can go is home with my mum when I'm this mentally sick but she makes me feel triggered too. I feel like suicide really is the only answer. The pain in my chest is unbearable. I feel so physically unwell as well as mentally because I just cannot look after myself any longer.

I still am at the stage of depression where I don't even have the energy to commit suicide which is why i'm still considering the plastic bag method and some sleeping pills. I'm thinking to find a place today in public.

All the methods are so hard to plan when you're so desperately depressed.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm thinking to find a place today in public.

Don't get me wrong but "attention seeking"? This will most likely fail and bring you in an even worse position! I can really understand that CTB seems to be the only way out of such a misery but with no reliable method it won't work either. Failing a uni / masters degree isn't the end of the world and losing a job isn't either. Don't you have "unemployment insurance" that covers a part of the income after being fired? I assume, u're in the UK? The NHS is shit but what you'd need is time off of everything that stresses you.

Then you can plan a method properly - if this is still your desire - or make new future plans. I'm sorry u have to go through such rough times.

 

[mirrorgurl]

Don't get me wrong but "attention seeking"? This will most likely fail and bring you in an even worse position! I can really understand that CTB seems to be the only way out of such a misery but with no reliable method it won't work either. Failing a uni / masters degree isn't the end of the world and losing a job isn't either. Don't you have "unemployment insurance" that covers a part of the income after being fired? I assume, u're in the UK? The NHS is shit but what you'd need is time off of everything that stresses you.

Then you can plan a method properly - if this is still your desire - or make new future plans. I'm sorry u have to go through such rough times.

i mean a hidden place in public

 

[Praestat_Mori]

i mean a hidden place in public

plastic bag won't work most likely. OTC meds won't make you unconscious enough to not show any SI reactions. I can't stop you but reconsider your decision.

 

[AkaRed]

If you do truly want to CTB- I have to agree and say that it's better to think of your plans thoroughly first. Ultimately it's all to ensure success.
I also just, wouldn't take the risk of traumatizing others in a public space.. it may be worth thinking of what your final image is going to truly be. It will be the very last decision you have control of, and the last decision you'll make other than your CTB.

Whatever you choose though, I wish you the best of luck. And if it were up to me, your life would turn around instead. You don't deserve to feel this way.

<3

 

[DavidInternet]

I've lost my job, my money, independence…

I hope you can find peace and happiness whatever your decision. Just wanted to echo what the other guy said in that you can regain your job, money and independence.

I don't know your full story, and it's probably best you don't share any information that could identify you with strangers online.

Re those three things, though, you could easily find some sort of job, especially with a degree, and move into your own place - even if it's just a HMO.

If there's more to it, though, I understand and regardless, I wish you all the best.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Just wanted to echo what the other guy said in that you can regain your job, money and independence.

How do you know that?

 

[DavidInternet]

How do you know that?

If you read what I wrote, I put that there could be more to it, though best not to share too much personal info with strangers online.