The Disqualified
Disqualified as a Human Being
- Feb 4, 2023
- 159
It has been one week since that horrible, dreadful, terrorizing day.
That day the unthinkable happened, and it plays in my head non-stop.
Why can't I be normal? I feel so alone. Even here, I feel alone. I am at a good point in life: doing college for a good degree, following the beaten path. But everything else is just not there.
I have immense trauma from the past, and a profound, heart-wrenching sorrow and anguish that eats me up inside everyday. That day the unthinkable happened, and it exposed to me that I am all alone and, even worse, that is all my fault really. It is my fault for not being a human being, that is why I deserve to die. That is what my mind is telling me non-stop: it is all my fault, and I deserve death. I can't believe that. To believe I avoided improving my life, all because of me being fearful and different. I can't believe I didn't make a scene. I can't believe I was sentenced to so much suffering by human beings solely for the crime of being different from others, and that I made sure to carry out that punishment myself, consciously excluding myself from human social dynamics. I should've tried harder. I feel so alone. I fell down in such a deep hole.
I don't feel like a normal person. I wish I could explain, truthfully — but I just can't. I am not a human being. My life is not going anywhere. And that smile, that happiness, that exchange — they all hammered down the fact I am a loser. A sore loser in life. My place is with the rejects, the meek and the forgotten. I really am a loser, all the way down. I really should've killed myself those days before. I don't know how I am getting out of this one.
I am tired of living so caged. I need to get out, to fight for my share of life, to just be normal and connect with others deeply. I will either end up killling myself or... I don't even know at this point. I don't know. I just need to find peace.
That day the unthinkable happened, and it plays in my head non-stop.
Why can't I be normal? I feel so alone. Even here, I feel alone. I am at a good point in life: doing college for a good degree, following the beaten path. But everything else is just not there.
I have immense trauma from the past, and a profound, heart-wrenching sorrow and anguish that eats me up inside everyday. That day the unthinkable happened, and it exposed to me that I am all alone and, even worse, that is all my fault really. It is my fault for not being a human being, that is why I deserve to die. That is what my mind is telling me non-stop: it is all my fault, and I deserve death. I can't believe that. To believe I avoided improving my life, all because of me being fearful and different. I can't believe I didn't make a scene. I can't believe I was sentenced to so much suffering by human beings solely for the crime of being different from others, and that I made sure to carry out that punishment myself, consciously excluding myself from human social dynamics. I should've tried harder. I feel so alone. I fell down in such a deep hole.
I don't feel like a normal person. I wish I could explain, truthfully — but I just can't. I am not a human being. My life is not going anywhere. And that smile, that happiness, that exchange — they all hammered down the fact I am a loser. A sore loser in life. My place is with the rejects, the meek and the forgotten. I really am a loser, all the way down. I really should've killed myself those days before. I don't know how I am getting out of this one.
I am tired of living so caged. I need to get out, to fight for my share of life, to just be normal and connect with others deeply. I will either end up killling myself or... I don't even know at this point. I don't know. I just need to find peace.
