It feels like there's poison sloshing in my head and it won't leave

[itsmeagain]

Every single day it just feels like these thoughts, these feelings are just sickly poison spreading and seeping into my brain. It's been there for so long, crowding my thoughts, my ability to feel earnestly... in the very few fleeting moments that I can't think about it, I feel like it's just gathering in the back of my head, ready to flood back in just a few seconds. Today was my biggest reprieve from it, which was so magical. I felt like there truly wasn't anything wrong and that everything was fixed, and then this sort of thing happens again. It's kinda what it's like being a bit bipolar, except these depressive moods compromise 95% of my life so far, and at that rate, I'd rather not have the fake-out of things being alright when only a few hours later, I'm where i started.

 

[Sensei]

Well, I certainly hope you're not bipolar, but it sounds like you've been spared that. I can definitely relate to what you're saying. My way of battling this, which might or might not work for you too, is to focus on activities that are difficult and requires my undivided attention. Then I get distracted and forget my dark thoughts.

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I'm sorry you are experiencing these terrible depressing moods. I wish I knew what I could say to help you. Just know that I care.

 

[AlreadyGone]

I truly feel your pain. I go through the same thing everyday. Even if I block out depressive thoughts for a bit, they come rushing back. Makes it very difficult to function.

 

[itsmeagain]

Well, I certainly hope you're not bipolar, but it sounds like you've been spared that. I can definitely relate to what you're saying. My way of battling this, which might or might not work for you too, is to focus on activities that are difficult and requires my undivided attention. Then I get distracted and forget my dark thoughts.

I do have bipolar 2, except the hard part is that the moods are supposed to last for months at a time, including happy moods. I haven't seen the sun, only in small bursts so I'm pretty sure it's devolved down a stage to bipolar 1.

Well, I certainly hope you're not bipolar, but it sounds like you've been spared that. I can definitely relate to what you're saying. My way of battling this, which might or might not work for you too, is to focus on activities that are difficult and requires my undivided attention. Then I get distracted and forget my dark thoughts.

Sometimes I do that, but in between every fit of anger it's the feelings again. I have some work I just couldn't get done for the life of me, and I tried doing it in class and I'm focusing, focusing.... then one answer doesn't make sense or I can't fogure it out and I just want to give up altogether on everything again.

I'm sorry you are experiencing these terrible depressing moods. I wish I knew what I could say to help you. Just know that I care.

People being on here that are going through the same struggles gives me a sense of comfort, so, thank you. I really do appreciate it.

I truly feel your pain. I go through the same thing everyday. Even if I block out depressive thoughts for a bit, they come rushing back. Makes it very difficult to function.

I don't know what to do. I just don't want to take some fucky medicine that I have to keep going back to the therapist because I can never tell them how bad everything truly is

 

[Lostandfound7]

Hey hun..tho I don't have BPD, I do know the feeling of the emotional roller coasters n floods, as that's my current state.
Just wondering, were u doing anything different today, to feel diff?

 

[Sensei]

I do have bipolar 2, except the hard part is that the moods are supposed to last for months at a time, including happy moods. I haven't seen the sun, only in small bursts so I'm pretty sure it's devolved down a stage to bipolar 1.

OH, you are bipolar? I'm sorry. I also have bipolar disorder II. As you point out, it's atypical to have such long depressive episodes, but it"s not unheard of. That was basically what 2018 was for me. It seems we might have similar symptoms. Not that many who have BD II who develop BD I so the odds are in your favor.

 

[itsmeagain]

Hey hun..tho I don't have BPD, I do know the feeling of the emotional roller coasters n floods, as that's my current state.
Just wondering, were u doing anything different today, to feel diff?

I've seen you in so many threads here spreading love. I'm happy you hit one of mine. I honestly just woke up an hour ago. A few days ago what I did was I woke up and I was in such a state of emptiness. Then, I was a little freaked out over not finding my work. Then, I finally had a few tears drip down my face. It FINALLY felt like I was letting it out, but after one tear in each eye, I felt empty again. I went back to my room, and immediately felt panic and the poison in my head, so I took a shot of vodka from the bottle, and since I didn't really eat anything, it hit me in ten minutes just right. I went to my next classes not being able to focus on my head because i was buzzed. I became super social in my classes and was praised by my teachers and felt a small bit better. Then from there, it was just happpenstance that some things went well and that's when I started to peak. Now I'm back here.

OH, you are bipolar? I'm sorry. I also have bipolar disorder II. As you point out, it's atypical to have such long depressive episodes, but it"s not unheard of. That was basically what 2018 was for me. It seems we might have similar symptoms. Not that many who have BD II who develop BD I so the odds are in your favor.

I don't feel like any odds are in my favor. Life story's a doozy as I'm sure lots of people's on here are. If the odds were in my favor, I feel like I would be able to feel happy for longer than a couple hours after months of depression. But, I know what you meant. I suppose I'm just venting a little bit.

 

[Lostandfound7]

I've seen you in so many threads here spreading love. I'm happy you hit one of mine. I honestly just woke up an hour ago. A few days ago what I did was I woke up and I was in such a state of emptiness. Then, I was a little freaked out over not finding my work. Then, I finally had a few tears drip down my face. It FINALLY felt like I was letting it out, but after one tear in each eye, I felt empty again. I went back to my room, and immediately felt panic and the poison in my head, so I took a shot of vodka from the bottle, and since I didn't really eat anything, it hit me in ten minutes just right. I went to my next classes not being able to focus on my head because i was buzzed. I became super social in my classes and was praised by my teachers and felt a small bit better. Then from there, it was just happpenstance that some things went well and that's when I started to peak. Now I'm back here.

..So u said u cried a little, u finally felt a release, then empty again..I'm no therapist n not saying that this works for all of life's problems, but I have found that often when I am feel overwhelmed, if I have a really good cry, it helps to release my penned up emotions. Again, it doesn't help with the problem, it just helps me from feeling like I'm gonna implode. Then often, once I'm done crying, my mind is clear n I can focus my attn to a solution or just deal betta..

Then u said the alcohol made u loosen up n u became totally inhibited, social and peaked..Hmmm, like I said, I'm no therapist n def don't want u to b taking a shot of vodka every morn before class (lol)..

THIS IS JUST A TEST: Since I don't totally knw what BPD is like, but is it possible for u to force yourself to mimic,fake the same behavior u did while u were tipsy? It sounds kind of dumb saying it, but what if u were to pretend ur intoxicated in ur head, then walk into class happy, greeting everyone, talking alot, etc..Is it possible that after a while u would become a lil more social,kinda like "fake it til u make it"?

I DON'T HAVE BPD, again, but I have found that sometimes when I'm in a bad mood or down, if I cry to let it out, then go around ppl n fake like I'm ok, then often, before I even know it, I'm genuinely ok!!

Now this is JUST a question n experiment..I would luv for u to try it n lemme knw!!

Again, for anyone who will say this is stupid, I don't knw what it's like to have BPD, blah blah blah! ***I AM NOT A THERAPIST, NOR DO I HAVE BPD. THIS IS JUST A TEST;)

 

[itsmeagain]

..So u said u cried a little, u finally felt a release, then empty again..I'm no therapist n not saying that this works for all of life's problems, but I have found that often when I am feel overwhelmed, if I have a really good cry, it helps to release my penned up emotions. Again, it doesn't help with the problem, it just helps me from feeling like I'm gonna implode. Then often, once I'm done crying, my mind is clear n I can focus my attn to a solution or just deal betta..

Then u said the alcohol made u loosen up n u became totally inhibited, social and peaked..Hmmm, like I said, I'm no therapist n def don't want u to b taking a shot of vodka every morn before class (lol)..

THIS IS JUST A TEST: Since I don't totally knw what BPD is like, but is it possible for u to force yourself to mimic,fake the same behavior u did while u were tipsy? It sounds kind of dumb saying it, but what if u were to pretend ur intoxicated in ur head, then walk into class happy, greeting everyone, talking alot, etc..Is it possible that after a while u would become a lil more social,kinda like "fake it til u make it"?

I DON'T HAVE BPD, again, but I have found that sometimes when I'm in a bad mood or down, if I cry to let it out, then go around ppl n fake like I'm ok, then often, before I even know it, I'm genuinely ok!!

Now this is JUST a question n experiment..I would luv for u to try it n lemme knw!!

Again, for anyone who will say this is stupid, I don't knw what it's like to have BPD, blah blah blah! ***I AM NOT A THERAPIST, NOR DO I HAVE BPD. THIS IS JUST A TEST;)

This post made me grin a little. You don't have to be so worried! I'm not the CEO of bipolar bahaha. But, you know, I've had a problem crying. It's almost medical. It takes an INCREDIBLE amount of trauma to make me cry, especially now. The last time I bawled was the death of my mother, and every time I get close to crying, I sob maybe once or twice, and then it goes away. I try to force it but then it doesn't work and I feel very stupid. I use to be able to cry and I guess I just lost that access to my tears.

Also, if anything, I feel like it would be every other day for my spanish classes. Honestly, I've been good on not drinking. I really thought I'd have no control with how good it makes me feel, but it's honestly really easy for me. Maybe it's parcially the taste, or because I don't have too much left, but it's not a monumental task for me.

It's really hard for me to mimic the behavior. I thoughta bout that last class and said "If i just try i can do it." But I just... can't. there's like such a big change when it happens, it's like someone justshook my head up to the point where I can't focus on that one thing, and the words just come involuntarily pouring out.

But I really appreciate your words. Thank you for thinking of an idea, I really appreciate it. It's a good idea that I know works for other people, it just doesn't seem to be working for me.

But... happy one month on SS by the by, not sure if you noticed. Maybe you should make a post about it in off topic!
Also, if you want to PM me, I'dwelcome you with open arms.

 

[Lostandfound7]

Lmbooooo!!! @ CEO of bipolar!

I'm so sorry. I tried:(..
If it was that ez, there wouldn't b such a need for meds or forums like this, right? Duh!

(Wow I didn't realize it's been a month already! Ty for telling me!)

*Feel free to pm me anytime my Luv!..Maybe we can experiment with some more totally useless BPD solutions..

 

[Sensei]

This post made me grin a little. You don't have to be so worried! I'm not the CEO of bipolar bahaha. But, you know, I've had a problem crying. It's almost medical. It takes an INCREDIBLE amount of trauma to make me cry, especially now. The last time I bawled was the death of my mother, and every time I get close to crying, I sob maybe once or twice, and then it goes away. I try to force it but then it doesn't work and I feel very stupid. I use to be able to cry and I guess I just lost that access to my tears.

It's the same with me. If suicide rates can be used as a measure, a depressive episode is the worst kind of depression a human being can experience. I think that when you've gone through a couple of them you go numb. You simply have to disconnect to survive. In light of this, you should be proud of yourself. You're still here and still fighting.

 

[itsmeagain]

It's the same with me. If suicide rates can be used as a measure, a depressive episode is the worst kind of depression a human being can experience. I think that when you've gone through a couple of them you go numb. You simply have to disconnect to survive. In light of this, you should be proud of yourself. You're still here and still fighting.

You too. I think you've been on SS a little longer than be, but god knows how long we've both been dealing with these things.