Venting it feels like the world wants me gone

[gardenoflonely]

i just don't feel like i belong anywhere at all. i tell people this and they claim that they understand or feel the same but they really don't. living with anxiety has been so unbearable that it branched off and caused depression, ocd and dpdr. nothing helped me personally: meds, hospitalization, multiple therapists. i literally don't feel like a person. i had a breakdown and we have a camera i'm front of the house...my family watched me laying there and laughed. my parents separated when i was young, and it was beaten into me that nobody was in a rush to come see me in life, i was ugly, hated, the cause of all the family's problems, told i always ruin anything good, i'm hard to love, etc. i can't even remember what all was said to me throughout life but i have it written down in an old journal i can't figure out how to get access to. and none of this is fair, not it matters, but it feels like things could've easily been intervened if someone cared at any point in my life but now it's too late. i don't even care anymore. so it's not about anyone else. i've been told that i "don't want help" but quite literally what else am i supposed to do? they say to talk to someone but i've been very vocal and explicit about having suicidal thoughts since i first started having them at 11! to be that young and for someone to hear that i tried to suffocate myself...multiple someones actually...with not a single person stepping in to help. i've tried multiple times since then and have told everyone i could think of how i was feeling. at this point it's easier and would make me happier just to give in. it feels like everyone is just waiting for me to ctb. i'll be glad when i finally do.