Venting It doesn’t get better when your brain is broken tbh

[d3j3ct3dl0s3r05]

It's been almost two years since I first came on here and planned to CTB. By October 10th 2023 to be specific and idk. I kinda think I made a huge mistake going on living. My original motivation for wanting to CTB was having a "broken brain" aka hypersensitivity to perceived criticism. low self esteem, emotional dysregulation and the like. I try to be the best version of myself (if that's even possible) but I fuck up everything from jobs to interpersonal relationships. I have never held a job for more than a handful of months. Everything I come into contact with decays. It hurts so fucking bad to know that no matter what I do, I will always be this way. This goes deeper than just chemical imbalances. I was never given a proper foundation for anything really from childhood and have been extremely suicidal since primary school. Yet still. A decade later and I'm not any less miserable. I feel like life is enjoyable in theory but I just can't. Life in general has felt meaningless for years and I don't feel driven by basic human things like the future. I only exist in a very cold and hollow present. I can't even rely on false hope for the future anymore. Everyday just drags itself along. I want to live but not in this body. I wish I could wake up in a new replenished body with a healthy functioning mind and soul. I know I have potential but I can't really do anything with it given the sorry state of my body. I can't turn back time, but U can stop the clock.

I just need a guaranteed way out. It's for the best. I can't keep causing myself pain by continuing to exist. Nowadays, the mere act of existing is traumatic. I'm too fragile to exist in this world. I am a disgrace to everyone and everything in this world.

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

This is so real, especially when you have tried everything in life. My story is similar to yours but I was born with a undiagnosed learning disability and delayed speech disorder and have slow reactions, but I am very neurotypical yet I don't fit in because I didn't have the best childhood that have me the structure to do so and I am a maladaptive dreamer since I can remember and had big dreams. I developed depression at a young age and hyper anxiety issues from being around people around 13, and to my surprise, it didn't affect my life but the traumas associated by being around people for the majority of my life, as I truly just yearned to live finding a structure and meaning to this world, yet it's the problem, not you or I, and I struggle with job interviews, too, because I have no idea where in the world do I find myself when all I can see is my emotions from the damamge of being abused and people ignoring it and labeling me insane, and it's hard when people in your inner circle equally abandons you, and I don't think I truly ever had a true friend, and I never could recognize one too, and was so alone for majority of my life. It's truly hard when you were born to be born not just with a bad brain but a bad world that didn't cater to give you much structure You and I deserved better…

 

[jvnko]

i also feel like i cant keep up anymore, i am so tired of catching up to everyone else i wish i could just feel like i'm on top of things.