Alessa
Student
- Nov 4, 2019
- 183
I need your help and feedback, but I beg you to think about it first, before throwing any pro-life or bias into the discussion.
It is now almost a whole year (since end of July 2023) that I completely isolated from everyone. Isolation from my friedns started even two years ago and they all forgot about me and went on with their lives, not caring anymore. My mother was the only person I still had contact to, but I managed to completely isolate from her as well, ignoring her messages in the first months, accepting her disappointment, sadness and also anger, it was really hard for the both of us. But I did it because I wanted her to get used to the feeling, that Iam not here anymore. She also hasnt seen her two sisters for years and when one of my aunts died, it didnt affect her that much. Thats why I thought it would be the best option to make it as painless as possible for my mother. time can heal all the wounds and I saw a healthier and more "gentle" way in distancing myself from her.
But... she recently started texting me again, asking me, how I feel, telling me, that she loves me and that... makes it so hard. I feel like my isolation failed its purpose. Sure, she is a mother that always loved me and therefore, a year of isolation wont change that, but I hoped at least, it would be enough for her to cope with the pain of separation.
I will leave in 6 weeks. At least, that was the planned CTB date and I really dont want to move the date again. I could actually move it to september, as long as its not getting too cold outside. It must happen this year (expirary reasons) and autumn will be too late. So it makes absolutely no sense in seeing her again before, then all would have been completely in vain. But maybe it makes sense to answer her? I was thinking a lot about how I could answer her messages. I need your feedback. But there are important things to do: I dont want her to figure that I will CTB soon, because she would immediately report me. I told her in the past that I have suicidal thoughts and she is not able to handle that, its impossible to discuss it with her, she acts like a child immediately, thinking its selfish and so on.
This is what I have prepared so far (it will be german, but I try to translate it into english as good as possible)
"I hope you know that I love you. But if you really want the best for me, then you'll need to let me go. Iam sorry that I cancelled contact for a year now, but it was supposed to help you. You need to get used to not having me around, just like with your sisters. Iam not the person you're missing anyway. That person doesnt exist anymore. Thats why you need to let that person go. We all cling to our memories, but thats the past we cannot revive. Those days are sadly over.
I never isolated to hurt you. I was actually trying to help you to get over it. It would also feel weird to act like that person Iam clearly not anymore. Thats why it feels wrong to meet you again. But I also realise that isolation might not have been the right decision. Anger and disappointment make more sense than grief. Its "easier" to overcome situations like this. I never meant to hurt you and that was what bothered me the most. I want you to be happy, but it seems there is no way out of this situation without hurting you. At least I still can see the purpose of isolation and that it at least helped a bit.... al little bit, not enough though. You need to realise that the person you are thinking of, doesnt exist anymore and that you are not able to see that person ever again. "
... I dont know how to go on. Please help me.
It is now almost a whole year (since end of July 2023) that I completely isolated from everyone. Isolation from my friedns started even two years ago and they all forgot about me and went on with their lives, not caring anymore. My mother was the only person I still had contact to, but I managed to completely isolate from her as well, ignoring her messages in the first months, accepting her disappointment, sadness and also anger, it was really hard for the both of us. But I did it because I wanted her to get used to the feeling, that Iam not here anymore. She also hasnt seen her two sisters for years and when one of my aunts died, it didnt affect her that much. Thats why I thought it would be the best option to make it as painless as possible for my mother. time can heal all the wounds and I saw a healthier and more "gentle" way in distancing myself from her.
But... she recently started texting me again, asking me, how I feel, telling me, that she loves me and that... makes it so hard. I feel like my isolation failed its purpose. Sure, she is a mother that always loved me and therefore, a year of isolation wont change that, but I hoped at least, it would be enough for her to cope with the pain of separation.
I will leave in 6 weeks. At least, that was the planned CTB date and I really dont want to move the date again. I could actually move it to september, as long as its not getting too cold outside. It must happen this year (expirary reasons) and autumn will be too late. So it makes absolutely no sense in seeing her again before, then all would have been completely in vain. But maybe it makes sense to answer her? I was thinking a lot about how I could answer her messages. I need your feedback. But there are important things to do: I dont want her to figure that I will CTB soon, because she would immediately report me. I told her in the past that I have suicidal thoughts and she is not able to handle that, its impossible to discuss it with her, she acts like a child immediately, thinking its selfish and so on.
This is what I have prepared so far (it will be german, but I try to translate it into english as good as possible)
"I hope you know that I love you. But if you really want the best for me, then you'll need to let me go. Iam sorry that I cancelled contact for a year now, but it was supposed to help you. You need to get used to not having me around, just like with your sisters. Iam not the person you're missing anyway. That person doesnt exist anymore. Thats why you need to let that person go. We all cling to our memories, but thats the past we cannot revive. Those days are sadly over.
I never isolated to hurt you. I was actually trying to help you to get over it. It would also feel weird to act like that person Iam clearly not anymore. Thats why it feels wrong to meet you again. But I also realise that isolation might not have been the right decision. Anger and disappointment make more sense than grief. Its "easier" to overcome situations like this. I never meant to hurt you and that was what bothered me the most. I want you to be happy, but it seems there is no way out of this situation without hurting you. At least I still can see the purpose of isolation and that it at least helped a bit.... al little bit, not enough though. You need to realise that the person you are thinking of, doesnt exist anymore and that you are not able to see that person ever again. "
... I dont know how to go on. Please help me.
