Venting Isolated and misunderstood

[borderline-feline]

Yes, we agree that was your position. You firmly disagree with his self-reported perspective, like others here disagree with yours. And that was after someone literally started laughing at him; the pile-on already began

fwiw I think that companionship can obviously cure people's loneliness. Just like you being someone's pet can conceivably be healthy for you


Even if it were objectively immoral (I'm not sure it is), they don't seem to mischaracterize him. Your original post certainly didn't explain his nature. Also, their views critiqued you more than him. And a "red flag" is just a general warning, not a concrete statement of someone's nature

I don't think that my situation is comparable to some incel who's obsessed with dating an Asian girl. He's delusional and clearly has hangups regarding Asian women. I have a personality disorder.

It's mischaracterizing regardless of whether or not they realize it, because it's not accurate to who he actually is. Just the other day, I got someone thinking I was unsafe because I said that I can't die without permission from my favorite person. THAT is an overreaction to a benign statement.

I have yet to say something that's a genuine red flag for someone being abused, yet people love to misrepresent what I say because they have no understanding of the disorder that I talk about ad nauseam.

I'm not talking about this forum. I think this is the last place to expect ridiculous conclusions and accusations.
Do you have friends/acquaintances not from here?

I was talking about this forum the entire time. I've put up with people saying horrible things about my favorite person on this forum because they jump to conclusions instead of fucking listening to me. I don't leave my house for any reason but work.

 

[SexyIncél]

Your relationship sounds totally cool. [...] The opposite of a red flag

I retract my claims quoted here ^. Sorry for being wrong, I see red flags now. Maybe I was projecting. Please feel free to have the last words if anyone wants; I'll ignore this thread so won't be tempted to respond

 

[borderline-feline]

I retract my claims quoted here ^. Sorry for being wrong, I see red flags now. Maybe I was projecting. Please feel free to have the last words if anyone wants; I'll ignore this thread so won't be tempted to respond

Thanks for derailing my thread, jerk.

 

[Rob1984]

My point is that people need to learn to either not express that concern or to express that concern in a way that isn't infantilizing. I would know if I was in an abusive relationship, because I've been abused before. Past abuse is why I am the way that I am; it's the reason why I have BPD.

I'm worthless. I should be dehumanized. The only life I consider to be worth living is a life as my favorite person's housecat. I WANT to be his pet.

You believe you are worthless and deserve being dehumanized, yet you are requesting for people to stop "expressing concern in a way that isn't infantilizing." In other words, you are asking for a certain degree of respect, but you also promote the idea that you should be treated like an object. I hope you see how it's kinda contradicting, and because of that, I'm failing to comprehend what you actually want

If you want to just drop it, we can too. I'm not trying to upset you. Originally I was trying to explain why your statements would concern most people (since your post was inquiring why people think your relationship is a red flag), but now after reading your response, I'm just flat out confused

 

[borderline-feline]

You believe you are worthless and deserve being dehumanized, yet you are requesting for people to stop "expressing concern in a way that isn't infantilizing." In other words, you are asking for a certain degree of respect, but you also promote the idea that you should be treated like an object. I hope you see how it's kinda contradicting, and because of that, I'm failing to comprehend what you actually want

If you want to just drop it, we can too. I'm not trying to upset you. Originally I was trying to explain why your statements would concern most people (since your post was inquiring why people think your relationship is a red flag), but now after reading your response, I'm just flat out confused

I don't mean property as in an object; I mean it in the way that someone might call a pet their property. It's not necessarily a desire to be dehumanized as much as it's a desire to not be a human. I don't know if that makes sense.

People tend to react even worse when I say that I don't see myself as an adult. I didn't get to have a childhood because of sexual abuse that I suffered from a young age. Now I'm mentally stuck as a child.

I know what you're thinking. You're wondering why I'd have an issue with being infantilized in that case. The simple fact is that it's easier to just say that than to explain that calling a healthy relationship abusive is like kicking me in the teeth and then spitting on me. It minimizes what abuse really is when people make those sorts of claims, and I can't emotionally handle people implying my favorite person to be an abuser.

I want to be my favorite person's housecat, and he already calls me his sweet, little kitten. I want him to treat me like a pet or a daughter (I don't really differentiate). When he says things like "I'd still thank you for being a good girl and trying. I'm glad you had choccy milk to make things better." and "You're not a bad girl at all, you're a very good girl who found the pieces and told me right away", it feels like I'm being healed. It makes me feel like I can experience the things that were robbed of me as a child.

I call myself worthless because I'm not capable of functioning as an adult. Were it not for the labor shortage, I would've been fired for the multiple instances of 30 minute crying breaks. I can't do anything right and can't offer anything to the world. The only alleged good thing about me I can think of is the cuteness my favorite person claims I have. He says it's almost uncanny how much I look like Lucky Chloe from the Tekken series.

I hope that helps to clear some things up.

Thank you for being gentle and trying to understand.
It also wasn't my intention to ask why people claim these red flags to be there. I just wanted to vent about how people jump to conclusions or misrepresent my words instead of asking for clarification.

 

[Rob1984]

I don't mean property as in an object; I mean it in the way that someone might call a pet their property.

Honestly, I don't consider my pet "property." My pet is family. Thinking about it... I probably treat my dog better than I treat most humans lmao!!!

It's not necessarily a desire to be dehumanized as much as it's a desire to not be a human. I don't know if that makes sense.

People tend to react even worse when I say that I don't see myself as an adult. I didn't get to have a childhood because of sexual abuse that I suffered from a young age. Now I'm mentally stuck as a child.

I'm truly sorry to hear this. For what it's worth, it genuinely hurts my heart to hear this. Nobody should have to experience what you mentioned.

I know what you're thinking. You're wondering why I'd have an issue with being infantilized in that case.

Yup. You read my mind ;) lol

The simple fact is that it's easier to just say that than to explain that calling a healthy relationship abusive is like kicking me in the teeth and then spitting on me. It minimizes what abuse really is when people make those sorts of claims, and I can't emotionally handle people implying my favorite person to be an abuser.

I want to be my favorite person's housecat, and he already calls me his sweet, little kitten. I want him to treat me like a pet or a daughter (I don't really differentiate). When he says things like "I'd still thank you for being a good girl and trying. I'm glad you had choccy milk to make things better." and "You're not a bad girl at all, you're a very good girl who found the pieces and told me right away", it feels like I'm being healed. It makes me feel like I can experience the things that were robbed of me as a child.

I call myself worthless because I'm not capable of functioning as an adult. Were it not for the labor shortage, I would've been fired for the multiple instances of 30 minute crying breaks. I can't do anything right and can't offer anything to the world. The only alleged good thing about me I can think of is the cuteness my favorite person claims I have. He says it's almost uncanny how much I look like Lucky Chloe from the Tekken series.

The problem is- most people who are abused as children grow up to have such a poor standard for how they are treated. A lot of times, these people who were abused don't 100% realize how much better they should be treated, and that their current relationship is so much more toxic than they realize. I'm not saying you are one of these people; there are always exceptions to the rule! Even more so, it sounds like you do quite a bit of introspection, so I wouldn't doubt that you have a better idea of what's going on compared to the people who hear your situation and jump to conclusions. With all that said, there are a couple things you say that do concern me, but that may just be a lack of understanding on my part (or my failure to relate to some of what you say). I have to also admit- I do respect you as another human, and I'm sorry if that ironically is disrespecting your wishes of how you would like to be treated.

I can't do anything right and can't offer anything to the world.

I'm going to say what I say to everyone: you can offer kindness to the world. We are very short of kindness, and imo, it's more valuable than pretty much anything else. I'd actually say kindness is invaluable. If you could offer kindness, compassion, and empathy to the world, you'd be doing a bigger service to the world than most other people are. But this is just my opinion, you don't have to agree. It does sound corny, but hey, most (if not all) of us are on this forum as a result of the lack of kindness, compassion, and empathy in the world

I hope that helps to clear some things up.


Thank you for being gentle and trying to understand.
It also wasn't my intention to ask why people claim these red flags to be there. I just wanted to vent about how people jump to conclusions or misrepresent my words instead of asking for clarification.

Yes, people tend to make assumptions and jump to conclusions way too quickly. It's unfortunate. But... I'm guilty of it too sometimes.

 

[Aisley]

Meh, you're good. The thing about subs is that they don't need validation from somewhere outside the relationship- and good thing, because they rarely ever get it. But that doesn't matter because YOU DON'T NEED IT. And people with "normal" relationships do need it, all the time. They walk around in public with their "other", studying faces of friends and strangers, always looking for approval or disapproval, judging their own lives and life choices by what they see on others' faces. Don't worry about it, you got this.

 

[borderline-feline]

Meh, you're good. The thing about subs is that they don't need validation from somewhere outside the relationship- and good thing, because they rarely ever get it. But that doesn't matter because YOU DON'T NEED IT. And people with "normal" relationships do need it, all the time. They walk around in public with their "other", studying faces of friends and strangers, always looking for approval or disapproval, judging their own lives and life choices by what they see on others' faces. Don't worry about it, you got this.

I don't think "sub" is a good word for it since this isn't a sexual thing for me. If anything, it makes it so that there are times when I straight-up don't have the capacity to consent.

Honestly, I don't consider my pet "property." My pet is family. Thinking about it... I probably treat my dog better than I treat most humans lmao!!!

That's fair. I just have a tendency to not know how to word things since I don't want to be misunderstood or misrepresented.

The problem is- most people who are abused as children grow up to have such a poor standard for how they are treated. A lot of times, these people who were abused don't 100% realize how much better they should be treated, and that their current relationship is so much more toxic than they realize. I'm not saying you are one of these people; there are always exceptions to the rule!

I should also mention that I got out of an abusive relationship only about a year before I started my current romantic relationship. I still have certain hang ups, especially with regards to communication and my sexual orientation, because of my ex-girlfriend, but the thought of her rotting in hell someday gives me some amount of comfort.

My favorite person has actually helped me to move forward from that relationship and work toward healing from my trauma. I get very protective of him because of that, although anyone who has BPD gets that way if they have a favorite person.

My favorite person treats me with so much kindness and love that I don't deserve, and he wants me to be able to grow and heal, which is night and day from how my ex-girlfriend treated me.

Even more so, it sounds like you do quite a bit of introspection, so I wouldn't doubt that you have a better idea of what's going on compared to the people who hear your situation and jump to conclusions.

I do too much introspection because I lack an identity, and my brain is home to a roach called obsessive compulsive disorder that loves to try and gaslight me into thinking that I'm like the man who abused me when I was a kid. I don't like to be alone with my thoughts because they scare me, but I don't always have a choice.

I'm going to say what I say to everyone: you can offer kindness to the world. We are very short of kindness, and imo, it's more valuable than pretty much anything else. I'd actually say kindness is invaluable. If you could offer kindness, compassion, and empathy to the world, you'd be doing a bigger service to the world than most other people are. But this is just my opinion, you don't have to agree. It does sound corny, but hey, most (if not all) of us are on this forum as a result of the lack of kindness, compassion, and empathy in the world

The only problem there is that I'm not a kind person. I'm judgmental and often find myself starting fights with people to feel less empty. I have a lot of toxic traits like that, and I don't think that there's anything that I can do about that since I don't trust the efficacy of behavioral therapy.

 

[Rob1984]

My favorite person has actually helped me to move forward from that relationship and work toward healing from my trauma. I get very protective of him because of that, although anyone who has BPD gets that way if they have a favorite person.

My favorite person treats me with so much kindness and love that I don't deserve, and he wants me to be able to grow and heal, which is night and day from how my ex-girlfriend treated me.

That's really good to hear :D

The only problem there is that I'm not a kind person. I'm judgmental and often find myself starting fights with people to feel less empty. I have a lot of toxic traits like that, and I don't think that there's anything that I can do about that since I don't trust the efficacy of behavioral therapy.

I don't believe people are born purely kind or purely mean. If you disagree, that's okay. It's just my own belief. I place a lot of weight on who we become based on our environment growing up. If someone is raised by asshole people, they tend to grow up to be assholes too. And vice versa with kindness. BUT, the good news is, it's not permanent (at least that's what I suggest). You have a huge advantage over other unkind people and that is that you are aware that you are not very nice. You just pointed out that you are aware that you start fights with people, and even more incredible is that you even know part of the reason (maybe even the entire reason?) why you do it, which as you said is to fill a void of emptiness within you. Your self awareness is very noteworthy, and that's typically the biggest obstacle for people. How could anyone be expected to change when they can't even notice the behaviors they exhibit? So many shitty people in this world are in such denial that it is no surprise they never change; they literally don't think they are the problem or that they have poor behavior. But if you truly believe you are permanently stuck being an unkind person, well, that's a whole different obstacle in itself.

My favorite person treats me with so much kindness

Throughout this post, you have made it clear that you value kindness. Even if its just from your partner. I think if you managed to convince yourself you can slowly change overtime, you can in fact become a nicer person. Sure, you may not become full of rainbows and sunshine, and you still may have a mean side that comes out often, but what matters is you make small improvements.

You don't have to agree with anything I am saying. I'm aware these are just my own beliefs, and not some universal law of nature. But your self awareness is a lot more powerful than I think you give yourself credit for. It's an advantage you have over a lot of other people in this world.