Is watching porn the same as cheating on your partner?

[Mixo]

I have seen people's reactions to this very question on Reddit (i.e. "My boyfriend looks at a lot of porn, is this right?") and of course, the vast majority of readers typically side with the upset girlfriend out of an instinctive moralistic stance, but not one that really probes the reason behind porn usage in the first place.

I imagine that the real reason your partner is upset with you is not about the porn, but what it might mean about her adequacy as a partner and the relationship itself. There are some salient questions here that are probably uncomfortable but necessary to ask. Does the porn fulfill you in a way sexually that she can't? If this is the issue, would you still be looking at porn at the same rate/frequency if you were having your sexual needs met? I'm also interested in why the porn has to be a secret in the first place, as it's so common these days for men to view it regularly. Was this a tacit rule you learned as a result of her reaction, or was it agreed upon? Does she expect you to only experience sexual pleasure in the context of your physical relationship with her? What does that mean about what is "acceptable" sexual behavior on your part and what isn't? The info given and the dynamic so far sounds grim, and vaguely controlling.

It's very hard to gage a great way to address this with just the info you've given us here, but I do hope you're able to talk about the issue more openly with her. It really sucks feeling like you have to hide something you're struggling with because of your partner's insecurity. Openness is really the only way two people can be authentic, honest in a relationship.

 

[jodes2]

I have seen people's reactions to this very question on Reddit (i.e. "My boyfriend looks at a lot of porn, is this right?") and of course, the vast majority of readers typically side with the upset girlfriend out of an instinctive moralistic stance, but not one that really probes the reason behind porn usage in the first place.

I imagine that the real reason your partner is upset with you is not about the porn, but what it might mean about her adequacy as a partner and the relationship itself. There are some salient questions here that are probably uncomfortable but necessary to ask. Does the porn fulfill you in a way sexually that she can't? If this is the issue, would you still be looking at porn at the same rate/frequency if you were having your sexual needs met? I'm also interested in why the porn has to be a secret in the first place, as it's so common these days for men to view it regularly. Was this a tacit rule you learned as a result of her reaction, or was it agreed upon? Does she expect you to only experience sexual pleasure in the context of your physical relationship with her?

It's very hard to gage a great way to address this with just the info you've given us here, but I do hope you're able to talk about the issue more openly with her. It really sucks feeling like you have to hide something you're struggling with because of your partner's insecurity. Openness is really the only way two people can be authentic, honest in a relationship.

Nicely put. Yeah it was her reaction to me using it rather than something agreed on. Thanks for all the advice, it's really appreciated. I will try to be more open and up front with her, and respect the feelings of inadequacy it causes

 

[Mixo]

Nicely put. Yeah it was her reaction to me using it rather than something agreed on. Thanks for all the advice, it's really appreciated. I will try to be more open and up front with her, and respect the feelings of inadequacy it causes

No worries. I just read your above replies about the latest issues with your gf and ngl, I kind of bristled at your comment at her "not wearing make up" or "dressing up" being an underlying issue for the loss of attraction on your part. However, I know how it feels when a partner completely stops trying to do self-care, to the point of self-neglect and it being a turn off. I would be lying if I said I didn't understand that feeling extremely well. I just hope you do keep in mind that the women in porn are never going to be a healthy or realistic depiction of women in general; the same could be said about the sexual activities depicted in porn as well. Again, I'm not interested in delivering some sermon on the questionable morals/ethics of porn here, just want to point out that it may offset a genuine desire towards your partner in insidious ways in the long-term so just be careful with that.

 

[farFSightcloseTHart]

If you lie about it if she asks it is. And it makes you less atracted to her overtime so is not good, for you and for her.

 

[wantittoendsoon]

no

 

[Ilayis]

I think it's cheating but in a different sense than the regular definition. Yes your not out banging other people behind your SOs back but if it is taking away from your own sexual time together because your sex drive is low enough that you blowing your load to a video makes you content in not having sex then yes I think that's cheating. Your cheating your spouse out of enjoying you,your body,feeling needed by you. Sex is a giant part of many relationships and if that's taken away by something else than your doing them a major disservice!!!! I remember one time with my ex. They left for work and I decided to masturbate before falling asleep. They came back in and tried to give me a bj but I was so worked up in my fantasy that the real thing wasn't doing it. They stopped,trying, got up and told me to enjoy my fantasy...I felt sooooo fucking guilty I didn't even attempt to finish. If you discuss what you like,their cool with it and it doesn't stop you from fulfilling their needs in the bedroom then that works. Now if you know you can blow your load to a pornstar, keep satisfying your partner and they tell you no porn, then your just in the wrong relationship and should have discussed it before entering it.

 

[stermc]

It depends on the person's perspectives, but for me, no, it's not

 

[Forever Sleep]

Would you mind if she watched it a lot?

Have you talked about why it upsets her and why you want to watch it?

I don't know really. It doesn't sound like cheating if you are just trying to get off. If there is something lacking in the relationship though- I think (as a woman), I'd prefer it if a partner was open and honest with me (in a nice way!) rather than trying to get their needs met elsewhere and not tell me. I think relationships should be as honest as possible. (But then- I've always been single- so- what do I know?!! Lol.)

Maybe your sex drive is higher- maybe she can't, or doesn't want to keep up with it. In which case- maybe she wouldn't mind you using other ways of releasing it. It's not about getting permission (to my mind.) It's more looking at the why. Why are you feeling the need to do it and why is she upset about it? I'm guessing- like other people have suggested- it might be making her feel inferior.

 

[5417807]

Depends on your relationships rules and boundaries. Personally in my relationship it isn't cheating but all relationships have different boundaries: we're none-monogamous so sleeping with another person that we've both cleared isn't cheating to us either but to some that would be cheating. Imo 'cheating' is just relevant to the discussion you should have before entering a relationship about boundaries and limits

 

[theRightThingToDo]

If watching porn is cheating then watching romantic movies is also cheating.