BlueButterfly111
Autistic and Heartbroken
- Dec 26, 2024
- 249
I am starting to feel so much guilt about my boyfriend's death 9 months after he passed away. I've been having to wait a lot longer than most people to get Sn so that I can finally die. I've been waiting for almost 3 months. Now I'm starting to feel like this is my karma and not just a coincidence.
I feel like maybe had I taken the relationship more seriously, or maybe if he had never met me at all he'd be alive and happy. He didn't die from suicide, he died from being shot by a police officer several times while he was having a mental health crisis. I miss him so much, his death haunts me, and I am now so alone.
The reason why I feel guilt is because the last time I saw him I said that I might have to break up with him because I didn't see him enough, but I didn't mean it but it was a stupid thing to say, I've never told anyone in real life, and now I feel like it's my fault.
I feel much more mature than I felt before he died, I was 21 and he was 30, now I'm 22 and he would've been 31. I should've taken the relationship more seriously, but I just wanted to see him more and spend more time with him. I feel like he took the fact that I said I was thinking about breaking up with him seriously and maybe that's why he had a mental episode.
I didn't even know about his mental issues until after he passed away. I also didn't even know that he told his mother and sister that he was in love with me until his sister told me. I feel so sad and haunted by the whole thing. And now I think that this is my karma by not being able to even ctb. I'm forced to suffer, am I a bad person? I don't think I'm a bad person, I was just so immature at the time, but I think that this is my karma for my harmful actions. I didn't even realize that he loved me that much to tell his mom and his sister that he loved me until it was too late.
I feel like a horrible person and an alien and this is my karma. I just want to die.
I feel like maybe had I taken the relationship more seriously, or maybe if he had never met me at all he'd be alive and happy. He didn't die from suicide, he died from being shot by a police officer several times while he was having a mental health crisis. I miss him so much, his death haunts me, and I am now so alone.
The reason why I feel guilt is because the last time I saw him I said that I might have to break up with him because I didn't see him enough, but I didn't mean it but it was a stupid thing to say, I've never told anyone in real life, and now I feel like it's my fault.
I feel much more mature than I felt before he died, I was 21 and he was 30, now I'm 22 and he would've been 31. I should've taken the relationship more seriously, but I just wanted to see him more and spend more time with him. I feel like he took the fact that I said I was thinking about breaking up with him seriously and maybe that's why he had a mental episode.
I didn't even know about his mental issues until after he passed away. I also didn't even know that he told his mother and sister that he was in love with me until his sister told me. I feel so sad and haunted by the whole thing. And now I think that this is my karma by not being able to even ctb. I'm forced to suffer, am I a bad person? I don't think I'm a bad person, I was just so immature at the time, but I think that this is my karma for my harmful actions. I didn't even realize that he loved me that much to tell his mom and his sister that he loved me until it was too late.
I feel like a horrible person and an alien and this is my karma. I just want to die.
although it does feel like it, but I appreciate it.
