Is there any one thing/person that makes you unsure about ctb?

[WaitingForTheBus]

As per the title. Do you have any hobbies or do you do any activities that for a period of time, however brief, that you forget you want to ctb? Maybe it's a person that you love and spend time with and they give you hope.

For me it's hiking. When I get out in nature for the day, the sights, the sounds, the smells, I take it all in and enjoy every moment. Of course it doesn't last, you have to return to reality sooner or later, but for that time that I am out there, I forget about everything.

The other thing that can make it all disappear for a while is spending time with the woman I love. Unfortunately I've been friend zoned (ouch), when I spend time with her though I am on such a high. The problem with this though, there is a massive crash for me afterwards.

This unfortunately is relationship that I need to put an end to. It will never get to where I want it to be, I know that. She has been the most supportive person though, she always contacts me at just the right time to give me a bit of a lift to get through to the next day. That crash though, it negates the highs and will lead to an impulsive and potentially unsuccessful attempt to ctb (that's why I drive around with a disabled airbag), instead of a planned journey where I go out with complete control over my journey.

 

[TAW122]

I'd say probably a few things that are still keeping me here. Curiosity in certain video games and just enjoying what little joy I have in my hobby even though that has gone to shit lately too.

 

[WaitingForTheBus]

I'd say probably a few things that are still keeping me here. Curiosity in certain video games and just enjoying what little joy I have in my hobby even though that has gone to shit lately too.

What is that hobby if you don't mind sharing?

 

[AndyCurious]

I have my daughter though, that makes me delay my exit, but I can wait a while...

 

[Throwaway563078]

Few family members that's all.

 

[Schopenhauer]

Books and videogames alleviate the pain. Being with the girl a love makes everything a lot better. But I still have to go away. Life is just too tiresome.

 

[TAW122]

@WaitingForTheBus playing the piano and what not. I used to be at my peak years ago, but the last two or so years, things have just deteriorated, both neurologically, physically, and even mentally. I used to be able to play difficult pieces with little or no error and very little lapse, but lately, everything has just gone to shit and my playing has just gotten worse.

 

[zeroshark]

My boyfriend doesn't make me forget, but knowing it would hurt him keeps holding me back. One of his friends was murdered in a random stabbing 6 years ago and it still fucks him up really badly. I feel horrible knowing I could hurt him like that.

 

[chapternate]

There's no one and nothing that makes me forget. But at the very least there's my girlfriend and one of my best friends who make me wish I wasn't going to.
A few things mates have said to me really stuck with me and kept me alive for a long time though. Like coming out of the club after a night out i don't really remember what I said but I made some kind of joke about death and my mate- who also frequently makes death jokes bc we all depressed- just turned to me put his arm around me looked me in the eye and was like "you're too good to die". And I dunno why that stuck so bad but I wrote it down with the exact time and place on my phone so I'd never forget it. I brought it up to him months later and told him that sometimes it'd be the only thing that kept me alive and he was just like "I mean, yeah because it's true. I'm glad you're still alive, lad". And idk, I still think about these kinds of things. It was a couple months ago when I realised they weren't keeping me alive anymore though. They just kinda make me feel guilty.

 

[Sickofit]

Gardening and my grandparents

 

[TiredHorse]

I'm held back by what it'll do to my mother and sister when I ctb. That stopped me on Monday.

I have things I'm supposed to do, ostensibly pleasurable tasks and projects that I'd be good at, that family members are scheduling me to be a part of, that I should be held back by. But mostly those just feel like more weight on my shoulders.

 

[WaitingForTheBus]

@WaitingForTheBus playing the piano and what not. I used to be at my peak years ago, but the last two or so years, things have just deteriorated, both neurologically, physically, and even mentally. I used to be able to play difficult pieces with little or no error and very little lapse, but lately, everything has just gone to shit and my playing has just gotten worse.

I'm sorry to hear that, I've never been skillful at anything, so losing that level of ability I can't relate to. I can only imagine how difficult that must be for you.

 

[WaitingForTheBus]

There's no one and nothing that makes me forget. But at the very least there's my girlfriend and one of my best friends who make me wish I wasn't going to.
A few things mates have said to me really stuck with me and kept me alive for a long time though. Like coming out of the club after a night out i don't really remember what I said but I made some kind of joke about death and my mate- who also frequently makes death jokes bc we all depressed- just turned to me put his arm around me looked me in the eye and was like "you're too good to die". And I dunno why that stuck so bad but I wrote it down with the exact time and place on my phone so I'd never forget it. I brought it up to him months later and told him that sometimes it'd be the only thing that kept me alive and he was just like "I mean, yeah because it's true. I'm glad you're still alive, lad". And idk, I still think about these kinds of things. It was a couple months ago when I realised they weren't keeping me alive anymore though. They just kinda make me feel guilty.

I had a similar story from years ago. On one of my failed attempts to ctb, I sent a goodbye text to everyone that mattered. No one knew where I was so I couldn't be stopped from trying. Anyway, I failed, but when I was able to check my phone next, there was a voicemail from my eldest child, crying and screaming NOOO into the phone.

That was my second failure and that voicemail helped to keep me in check for a long time. Whenever I felt down, I listened to it and realised who I was hurting and to snap out of it. Wish that phone never broke, could do with that recording right about now. Although I think it has escalated past that point this time.

 

[WaitingForTheBus]

Gardening and my grandparents

I think any outlet you enjoy is fantastic, I am glad you have something. If my Grandparents were still alive, I too wouldn't be able to ctb. My Grandmother kept me alive for many a years. Fuck I miss her.

 

[okyeah]

Great to see everyone enjoys some stuff here. Unfortunately I enjoy literally nothing. I work and I go home and sleep. Literally everything feels like work. And I have 0 family or friends. I'm ready to leave this awful, awful life I have.

 

[Sickofit]

I think any outlet you enjoy is fantastic, I am glad you have something. If my Grandparents were still alive, I too wouldn't be able to ctb. My Grandmother kept me alive for many a years. Fuck I miss her.

Im greek, my grandma legit rings me up a week in advance asking what i want to eat for dinner. If i blew up her house she would kiss me. Unfortunately all she thinks about is what she is going to cook, and myself and my sister. She is also forgetting things, but she is so compassionate towards me, its like beyond greek grandma stereotype. She was born ina small village in greece during ww2. No food really, so she is grateful dir what she has.

 

[TiredHorse]

I failed, but when I was able to check my phone next, there was a voicemail from my eldest child, crying and screaming NOOO into the phone.

Ah jeeze... That makes my chest go tight. Even as much as I hurt now, I'm not sure I could get that out of my head.

I knew that if I had kids, ctb was forever off the table, for me. Bitter irony, given that my beloved left me for a man who wasn't dragging his heels about having kids.

 

[cupio dissolvi]

Yes and he's ironically the same reason why I want to ctb in the first place.

 

[longingforrelease]

my daughter. I worry a great deal about the impact of my death (especially if I can't successfully make it look accidental) on her emotional and psychological well being

 

[cap]

My mother. Not because I like spending time with her but because she'll be devastated when I ctb. She's so sensitive and mentally not-so-stable. Unfortunately she'll probably be the one who finds my body too :c.

 

[Help_Me]

My gf. She is both the reason to live and (most likely) reason to die for me.

 

[Trashcan]

My parents. I've been going back and forth. I always end up regretting not ctb but then the survival instinct takes over when I'm about to ctb.

 

[orchidteeth]

My mother passed away earlier this year. Only thing holding me back, or at least what I pretend is, is not wanting to put my family through another loss so soon after my mother's.

 

[Mugara]

My mother and my bf, tho I can agree with replies above that these people caused me to cbt too.
I can't leave them yet. A mere thought of consequences my death will put upon them makes me severely panicked. They could take their lives if I do so.
I have to swallow my pain and continue managing somehow.

 

[Rocky M]

If she would talk to me, then there's a slim chance of being saved, but I know for a fact that she wants me dead so it's all ok. I'm more than happy to make her happy by dying .

 

[WaitingForTheBus]

My gf. She is both the reason to live and (most likely) reason to die for me.

Totally relate to this. The woman I love can bring me so much happiness, yet so much pain. More than I have ever experienced before.

 

[SkepticalAsshole]

One thing that has kept me around is my parents dogs they got active dog breeds and neither one of them exercises them or gives them any attention. My parents complained about how badly behaved the German Shorthaired Pointer was when I lived in my apartment.

Once I was forced to move in with them because of life kicking me in the balls I started exercising her semi regularly and magically she is quite the well behaved dog now. I just worry about what will happen to them after I ctb.

 

[WaitingForTheBus]

If she would talk to me, then there's a slim chance of being saved, but I know for a fact that she wants me dead so it's all ok. I'm more than happy to make her happy by dying .

Sorry to hear that you're in this position Rocky.

 

[WaitingForTheBus]

one thing that has kept me around is my parents dogs they got active dog breeds and neither one of them exercises them or gives them hardly any attention. My parents complained about how badly behaved the German Shorthaired Pointer was when I lived in my apartment.

Once I was forced to move in with them because of life kicking me in the balls I started exercising her semi regularly and magically she is quite the well behaved dog now. I just worry about what will happen to them after I ctb.

Dogs are so much better than people. Unconditional love.

 

[Hiraeth]

this might sound pathetic
but leaving my cat, brother, and best friend alone in the world makes me unsure. a friend of mine ctb last year and there are so many things that they missed out on. so many people that missed them.
i know they wouldn't be alone, but i don't want them to feel like they are. i don't want them to think its because of them either.
they make whatevers going on in my life bearable most days.