I don't know that I buy into the term in the typical sense, especially with human to human bonds…but
I recently gave up a kitten under duress, other pressures, entanglements and severe sleep deprivation, he was my "soul cat".
That's the only way to describe the once in a lifetime bond.
I have had other cats, other pets, other kittens..even this kitten's siblings..but this one particular kitten was nothing short of a miracle in my arms.
I have not felt genuine joy in so many years, perhaps not ever truly…I have progressively been suffocated in the opposite. Abject misery, loss, humiliation, devastation, grief, alienation, etc.
I have been at death's door for a long time and have been on borrowed time.
This kitten and the chain of events leading up to the bond, are unrepeatable and irreplaceable…it was an utterly bizarre and demanding process. I already have insomnia but I had to stay up every night, all night for weeks at first, in order to protect these kittens from a predator outside who was trying to kill them. I could only do so much because no authority would help me and your options are limited in the type of area I live in..the only thing I could do was keep watch outside and scare/chase the predator away every time it came near..until I could figure out my next step in catching the cats. So those first few weeks of severe sleep deprivation (body was shutting down, heart was about to give out) really played into my inability to think clearly or assess emotional stakes down the line..when I had all the cats inside and then other people became involved who I was not close to, so I did not feel safe to speak up about my trepidation or discomfort…I felt sick all the way up to the day of adoption. I wanted to stop it for this one kitten and I just didn't know how and didn't have the capacity at the time to just walk away.
Once he was gone, it felt like my chest was ripped from the rest of body. Agony.
Still, a month later, I am in utter agony.
On top of everything else..this grief and separation is too much.
I made a grave mistake, and I could not afford to make any more massive mistakes.
I had nothing left…this little fluffy boy could not be lost to me as well.
I think life finally gave me a light, one small light that I could run away with..one small slice of happiness that I was meant to hold onto while still acknowledging and wading through the other horrors of my existence.
But he slipped through my fingers.
The people who have him will not give him back. I tried…in the ways that I could.
I feel like a mother who gave up their child in a state where I should not have been expected to make such a decision.
My soul and final ability to feel anything good in this world..has been torn from me and is in the hands of those who have my kitten.
I don't bond with people, I will not have children..this was IT. This was it…and I will die, now, without even being able to retain the core of "who" I am..because of what this final loss has carved out of me.
I was so ready to die before this, logically it was necessary…but I was not anticipating being greeted with a long desired and hard-fought for bundle of joy..only to lose him in a state of helplessness.
(I haven't been in the hospital in nearly a decade..I swore I would never let them take me back there. But this loss actually landed me inside again!
I was SO desperate to get my boy back and had no support in my life so I reached out..to try to get emotional support for when I had to make the phone call to the people who adopted my kitten. And they acted like they were going to actually be there for me and figure out a plan..but it got so late, so I needed to go to bed and prepare mentally to make the call in the morning. That's when they sent the police to my home!! And I ended up having to become robotic in order to de-escalate the situation…I had to comply with the option to go to the hospital even though the police actually wanted to leave me alone, and then I was made promise after promise about being discharged…only to be kept there for a week, prolonging my call and reducing my chances of getting my kitten back severely! The longer I waited, the less likely they would be to give him back.
Hospital didn't care. They said they didn't even care if the mother of the kittens died because I couldn't get back to the house to tend to her.
They said that the kitten being my lifeline and my chance to get him back were "not their concern". That only "safety" was their concern.
Wtf.)
So yea, I lost my soulmate..now I may only exist as a fever dream to him…I gave him my everything and my time with him can only be described as "those halcyon days" amidst abject misery. I am destroyed.
is meaningless including the torture chamber I'm imprisoned in they call a human body
