Venting Is suicide worth it?

[loonatik]

Hi there, I created an account around Christmas of 2021, since then I've been healing slowly but I feel like I'm at a block. I still continue old cycles of toxic behaviors with my now boyfriend and don't exactly know what to do about it. No matter how hard I try these behaviors continue and it feels as if I have no control over them. I've seen a therapist who simply told me to change but not exactly how or how to work towards changing.
For context, when my boyfriend withholds information from me I instantly begin a cycle of being sad, asking, begging he tells me, threatening self harm, self harming and then feeling horrible for doing any of it.
I think some of this might add on to the fact I recently lost my mother whom I was extremely close with and my cat.
Do any of you know how to end the cycle? I've been considering suicide a lot lately because I feel like I can't handle myself. For the past 3 months or so I've debating taking my life over this because no matter how hard I've tried it wont go away, then I remember this forum existed.
Thank you all.
I probably could've done a different title, I apologize this was very sporadically written

 

[locked*n*loaded]

For context, when my boyfriend withholds information from me I instantly begin a cycle of being sad, asking, begging he tells me, threatening self harm, self harming and then feeling horrible for doing any of it.

If your bf does this on purpose, knowing how if affects you, that is a form of emotional abuse.

 

[loonatik]

If your bf does this on purpose, knowing how if affects you, that is a form of emotional abuse.

Its definitely not on purpose, he has his own issues and sometimes will be in a bad mood due to work or other life things and doesn't exactly wanna chat about it right away, but it affects me. He always feels awful after and it's only happened 2-3 times in 2 years. I have this reaction to other things I shouldn't such as him hanging out with friends and forgetting to update me because he's enjoying himself, I'm definitely the issue and I don't want that because he's the sweetest little thing.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Its definitely not on purpose, he has his own issues and sometimes will be in a bad mood due to work or other life things and doesn't exactly wanna chat about it right away, but it affects me. He always feels awful after and it's only happened 2-3 times in 2 years. I have this reaction to other things I shouldn't such as him hanging out with friends and forgetting to update me because he's enjoying himself, I'm definitely the issue and I don't want that because he's the sweetest little thing.

But, he knows it affects you in terrible ways, right?

I'm definitely the issue

It takes two to tango, as they say. No one person is ever the problem. it is always both.

 

[loonatik]

But, he knows it affects you in terrible ways, right?


It takes two to tango, as they say. No one person is ever the problem. it is always both.

He does.
That's true, but I'm definitely causing more problems when I can calmly react and do my best to understand, but it's hard for me, I don't know why I do what I do.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

but it's hard for me

Evidently, it's hard for him (to not do what he does), too, regarding withholding of this information from you, even though he knows it bothers you. Hey, everyone comes with pluses and minuses. It's entirely up to you whether the minuses of your SO are something you can live with. You're on a suicide forum talking about all of this..............................so, it seems that what he does is having some effect on whether you want to live or die. Only you know if you can live with what he does that annoys you because, chances are, it will never change. You have to accept people with all of their faults, or don't accept them at all if you can't accept their faults. Just my 2 cents.

 

[ggetout33]

I don't know how to end the cycle per se but my honest view of suicide is:

First you should exhaust every possible means of getting better that you could feasibly do before deciding to CTB. Meds, therapy, life changes etc.

If you have tried those things and your life has little to no chance of improving (ie: incurable illness, life-long poverty, corrupt country etc.) then CTB is a tragic, but understandable outcome.

I don't really see CTB as a good thing, or "worth it" but I have come to understand why people do it. And I don't think innocent people should be condemned to a lifetime of non-stop suffering because of things outside of their control.

I cannot tell you whether it's truly worth it to CTB for you. But if life truly is hell for you, and you decide you wanna check out early, I would understand.

Although I will say from your description, your boyfriend does not sound like a great fit for you at all. You deserve better.