No-name
Member
- Mar 16, 2026
- 46
Lots of people have commited suïcide. I realize that at the end the mind starts working as tunnel vision. It starts looking back and finding its oké.
Al that matthers is rest. It feels very nature like. Like the brain cuts off the people and just starts reflecting on life and what once was. And all things stuck and broken. Then it accept the brokenness and says I dont have to push that boulder up the hill anymore and then doubt goes or even a bit of pain doesnt matter anymore. It feels like dying and at the hair dresser people are treating me like I am dying. I can see it in my eyes. I look terrible but good enough to die.
All religions where just constucts to deal with life. So was philosophy. Every thought was creation or trying to be dominant. With music and art promisng paradise. But we could never realize it, it made life more doable. Thats how we constructed society and values. But these values never gave answers to the most terrible things. Like burning in a plane crash. Or nature. Or even human cruelty. Is takes strength to advocate those things and bring them to reality. And then we are able to get handicapt. We lose our companions and the people we love. Lonliness and even Who we once where. Because I became like a beserker. But the engine is gone and broken. Nature might be spiritual but it also just follows its own rules. The flora and fauna takes good care of itself. But it is cruel in giving and taking. And what it gave I am thankfull. I set my suicide of for 14 years and waited for my parants and brother to die. Those where some good days and got to see the world and had friends and we laughed and shared art. But it never fixed me completly, and the brain was still struggling and the love escaped me and bdd never truly fanished. I had two lovers and one I got to be with and it was like a fairytell. I got to help people and assist them like my brother till his euthanasie without him being alone. And our connection was beautifull. My mother, my father and my brother. My brother was so into art, music and film we could talk for hours. And even hé saw the world declining. My mother saw it too. Its already to late.
The constucts thought or morals created by humanity once said we could kill ourselfs if we get stuck or become bad or broken. Like the ancient greek and romans. And then a new construct dominates like the church or islam. Telling people what to eat. Or how to kill an animal. Etc. But not kill yourself, it is alright to kill other through war. Those religions arent even taking the other religions into concideration, that itself makes it just a bad religion. And then a society comes with euthanasie from another brain construct. Which my brother and father got and I was a bit jealous but still hopeful I would make it. My mother had cancer and fought it but didnt win. Its not even personal. Its like I can't synthesise with the world and it is win or be broken. And in my case be broken.
Hope is creation, but thoughts can only become true if there is strength and competence. When handicapt you lose the battle of hope and all your plans in the end. And then you lose people and notice they are not able to love you anymore because you are broken. The family that loves you dies and chose death and I was broken very long time. Woman have a hard time loving you. Friends take distance and dont invite you as much. I couldnt expres myself very well. Insecure derealisation. Brain falling apart, my eyes staring all sides. Losing identity. My eyes tilt many times. I think it is in my family that the connections in our brain just wear out. Today was scary and also a relieve. I am not afraid to die. I am. afraid to get further humiliated in life. I never had children and believe it is my right to die, I dont want any child of mine experiencing what some did. Breeding is also a trick. I am not responsible for my nephews I sometimes see twice a year. They have their own battle and if a day comes that the road ends for the I would respect that. Because that is what nature does. And in away it s not cruel. Hanging on to life while you lose yourself and have no one and not even yourself because you devalue yourself like the rest. Its already in my face and it was already a few years ago. The beserker didnt see what was going on. I was trying to keep pace with music, but the world marched in. All the signs where there, even as a child I knew I would't make it to 50.
I am going to test sn tomorrow.
Al that matthers is rest. It feels very nature like. Like the brain cuts off the people and just starts reflecting on life and what once was. And all things stuck and broken. Then it accept the brokenness and says I dont have to push that boulder up the hill anymore and then doubt goes or even a bit of pain doesnt matter anymore. It feels like dying and at the hair dresser people are treating me like I am dying. I can see it in my eyes. I look terrible but good enough to die.
All religions where just constucts to deal with life. So was philosophy. Every thought was creation or trying to be dominant. With music and art promisng paradise. But we could never realize it, it made life more doable. Thats how we constructed society and values. But these values never gave answers to the most terrible things. Like burning in a plane crash. Or nature. Or even human cruelty. Is takes strength to advocate those things and bring them to reality. And then we are able to get handicapt. We lose our companions and the people we love. Lonliness and even Who we once where. Because I became like a beserker. But the engine is gone and broken. Nature might be spiritual but it also just follows its own rules. The flora and fauna takes good care of itself. But it is cruel in giving and taking. And what it gave I am thankfull. I set my suicide of for 14 years and waited for my parants and brother to die. Those where some good days and got to see the world and had friends and we laughed and shared art. But it never fixed me completly, and the brain was still struggling and the love escaped me and bdd never truly fanished. I had two lovers and one I got to be with and it was like a fairytell. I got to help people and assist them like my brother till his euthanasie without him being alone. And our connection was beautifull. My mother, my father and my brother. My brother was so into art, music and film we could talk for hours. And even hé saw the world declining. My mother saw it too. Its already to late.
The constucts thought or morals created by humanity once said we could kill ourselfs if we get stuck or become bad or broken. Like the ancient greek and romans. And then a new construct dominates like the church or islam. Telling people what to eat. Or how to kill an animal. Etc. But not kill yourself, it is alright to kill other through war. Those religions arent even taking the other religions into concideration, that itself makes it just a bad religion. And then a society comes with euthanasie from another brain construct. Which my brother and father got and I was a bit jealous but still hopeful I would make it. My mother had cancer and fought it but didnt win. Its not even personal. Its like I can't synthesise with the world and it is win or be broken. And in my case be broken.
Hope is creation, but thoughts can only become true if there is strength and competence. When handicapt you lose the battle of hope and all your plans in the end. And then you lose people and notice they are not able to love you anymore because you are broken. The family that loves you dies and chose death and I was broken very long time. Woman have a hard time loving you. Friends take distance and dont invite you as much. I couldnt expres myself very well. Insecure derealisation. Brain falling apart, my eyes staring all sides. Losing identity. My eyes tilt many times. I think it is in my family that the connections in our brain just wear out. Today was scary and also a relieve. I am not afraid to die. I am. afraid to get further humiliated in life. I never had children and believe it is my right to die, I dont want any child of mine experiencing what some did. Breeding is also a trick. I am not responsible for my nephews I sometimes see twice a year. They have their own battle and if a day comes that the road ends for the I would respect that. Because that is what nature does. And in away it s not cruel. Hanging on to life while you lose yourself and have no one and not even yourself because you devalue yourself like the rest. Its already in my face and it was already a few years ago. The beserker didnt see what was going on. I was trying to keep pace with music, but the world marched in. All the signs where there, even as a child I knew I would't make it to 50.
I am going to test sn tomorrow.
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