NSFW Is my suicidal feeling valid by most standards looking at my situation and age?

[LongWayDown]

So this is my first post and i was watching this site for few years now and i was always wandering if my suicidal ideating is actually valid because in real life my family says that things will get better with time and that im too young and that that there is so much time in front of me.. but i dont belive so because i have very severe constant incurable social anxiety that is maybe actually autism but i was never diagnosed with that. I whole life had 0 friends (just few in school, they still bullied me, and i didnt talk to them after school at all). Im white 6'2 man in my early twenties and i never had girlfriend and never had first kissed anyone (expect escort.. ye my first kiss was escort, ik how pathetic i am). I also lost my virginity to escort and since than 'slept' with over 35 different escort woman and never slept with anyone without paying 50 euro. I though losing my virginity will magically make me confident but it didnt. Im super afraid of humans and girls and because of that i never gone to collage and now i have to do low paying job. While i first started looking at this forum i was living isolated at home hikkikomori lifestyle, but i was forced to go to work because they would change wifi password and didnt give me money.. Due to social anxiety and never even get drivers license. My social anxiety ruined my life forever and it is permanent and i dont honestly belive in lie that therapy would work because my social anxiety is much deeper for me than in most people. I am also ugly (chatgpt rated me 6, i know he wanted to give me compliment, because he is always so nice and literally only things/robot/being i open up at all even a little bit).

 

[mattoman]

I don't think anyone's reasons to ctb should be invalidated, so no, your reasons are not invalid. I'm 26 and tired of my addictions, some might find those invalid reasons to ctb, but for me they are real reasons, I am just tired of hanging on with those. It's not a competition that who has the biggest issues, if you feel like your issues are big and valid to ctb, then they are. I'm really sorry to hear what you are going through though. I don't want to encourage you to do anything irreversible but hell no am I saying your reasons wouldn't be valid

 

[LongWayDown]

I don't think anyone's reasons to ctb should be invalidated, so no, your reasons are not invalid. I'm 26 and tired of my addictions, some might find those invalid reasons to ctb, but for me they are real reasons, I am just tired of hanging on with those. It's not a competition that who has the biggest issues, if you feel like your issues are big and valid to ctb, then they are. I'm really sorry to hear what you are going through though. I don't want to encourage you to do anything irreversible but hell no am I saying your reasons wouldn't be valid

I'm also kinda addicted to alcohol.. sometimes i drink for like 1 or 2 weeks every day and than i dont drink for like month, idk if thats considered addiction, but its very hard to just stop, because just walking outside without it feels like battle because of my anxiety.

 

[mattoman]

I'm also kinda addicted to alcohol.. sometimes i drink for like 1 or 2 weeks every day and than i dont drink for like month, idk if thats considered addiction, but its very hard to just stop, because just walking outside without it feels like battle because of my anxiety.

I get that feeling. I have a gambling addiction and perhaps some sort of alcohol addiction. Just feels good to get away for a while.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

All our personal reasons that make us suicidal are valid. Whether our lives will get better or not in the future is sth nobody knows - nobody knows the future. It's more about how much chance you want to give a recovery. Ultimately it's your personal decision whether you want to CTB or not.

 

[LongWayDown]

All our personal reasons that make us suicidal are valid. Whether our lives will get better or not in the future is sth nobody knows - nobody knows the future. It's more about how much chance you want to give a recovery. Ultimately it's your personal decision whether you want to CTB or not.

Does future matter in long term reality? If 100 years from now i will be dead for sure, and im not planing to have kids, i think its valid reason.. even if i became 'sucesfull' in future it would be hard for me to leave this earth if im soo sucesfull, so why not leave it why i hate it and not when i love it?

 

[L'absent]

I couldn't answer you. For me it is enough to look at the human condition to formulate a more than valid reason for suicide. There is nothing worth continuing to live for.

 

[ThatGuyOverThere]

Ultimately it's your choice to make, but if you have spent years considering suicide to the point you went out of your way to find an online community cantered around that very specific topic, you most likely are already at a point in which you are severely depressed and suicidal. so if your desire to CTB is valid, I would say yes, but I would say yes to pretty much everyone on this site for the aforementioned reason, but you seem to in a very hard situation, dealing with autism (which I myself have) sucks, and I can relate to all of your anxieties, especially the one about getting a drivers licence.

I can relate to your experience, in way that I can't with most others on this site, and I always viewed my desire for death to be from a rational and purely self beneficial point of view, and so I would probably ascribe the same to you.

But like I said, the choice is yours to make, and your feelings are your feelings only, and no one is entitled to your emotional states.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Does future matter in long term reality? If 100 years from now i will be dead for sure, and im not planing to have kids, i think its valid reason.. even if i became 'sucesfull' in future it would be hard for me to leave this earth if im soo sucesfull, so why not leave it why i hate it and not when i love it?

That depends on your own definition. The fact is we all don't know what comes next. If I was able to kms a few years ago it would have prevented me from a lot more suffering. I wouldn't have missed anything. Now, after some time it's not much better but also not much worse and I'm hardly suicidal. Suicide is the only way out (the permanent solution to permanent problems) but it's never easy.

 

[Lostandlooking]

Of course your suicidal ideation is valid, your feelings are valid. It often doesn't help to compare yourself to other people, in regards to any sort of feelings. Something that's difficult for you might be easy for someone else. Even if they say they struggled with the same things and managed to overcome them. It's not that simple. I don't know how you could overcome your fear of humans and girls and your social anxiety. But I'm convinced it's valid and causes you great suffering. I wondered for years if my feelings and struggles were valid, or if I was just weak/attention seeking. I'm still struggling with that. Still really haven't got an idea exactly how to ascertain if my feelings are truly valid. I try to validate myself, I rarely found any validation by talking to people. History however is a testament of how much I struggled. I'm almost 40 years old, and have experienced these feelings for most of my life. So that must mean something. Maybe you can also recognize that these things have been an issue for a long time. Even if you are perhaps younger. And it's also a fact that people are strange creatures, apparently some can bounce back from horrible experiences, but it's also true that some can't. It's not that some things are valid, and some aren't. It's just that there are so many possible ways for people to deal with things, and I also think some of it is out of our control. Determined by your personality or perhaps your genes. I hope you'll get better at some of the things you struggle with. But everything along the way, and in the end; is valid as far as I'm concerned. Best of luck to you.

 

[LongWayDown]

Ultimately it's your choice to make, but if you have spent years considering suicide to the point you went out of your way to find an online community cantered around that very specific topic, you most likely are already at a point in which you are severely depressed and suicidal. so if your desire to CTB is valid, I would say yes, but I would say yes to pretty much everyone on this site for the aforementioned reason, but you seem to in a very hard situation, dealing with autism (which I myself have) sucks, and I can relate to all of your anxieties, especially the one about getting a drivers licence.

I can relate to your experience, in way that I can't with most others on this site, and I always viewed my desire for death to be from a rational and purely self beneficial point of view, and so I would probably ascribe the same to you.

But like I said, the choice is yours to make, and your feelings are your feelings only, and no one is entitled to your emotional states.

how do i actaully know if im depressed? im just having terriable life and i cant remember if im depressed or not sometimes.. its very strange, like from age of 12 maybe i stopped having bad feelings and just felt okay, not even that sad, but just suicidal without sad.

 

[ThatGuyOverThere]

how do i actaully know if im depressed? im just having terriable life and i cant remember if im depressed or not sometimes.. its very strange, like from age of 12 maybe i stopped having bad feelings and just felt okay, not even that sad, but just suicidal without sad.

do you mean you feel kind of empty, like you have some level of disconnect from the world around you, in a way that seemingly no one else does? because that would be a sort of coping mechanism the mind does when your severely depressed.

or do mean that your of good mental health it's just that from a rational perspective you have come to the conclusions that all the pain in your life would be solved if you where to CTB?

 

[LongWayDown]

Thank you guys.. if i posted this on reddit people would laugh at me soo hard and would share post. Creating this account here feels like coming home from this scary world.

do you mean you feel kind of empty, like you have some level of disconnect from the world around you, in a way that seemingly no one else does? because that would be a sort of coping mechanism the mind does when your severely depressed.

or do mean that your of good mental health it's just that from a rational perspective you have come to the conclusions that all the pain in your life would be solved if you where to CTB?

i know my life is super bad but i have to remind myself that because i forgot it.. like how could i have good life if i dont talk to anyone at all whotsoever for long.. end even when i talk i say just few words and its all about day and never emotions. like i feel suicidal almost every moment, i am not depressed at all, i am lonly, and i have to conciously remind myself why am i suicidal (because im depressed and have terriable life).

 

[ThatGuyOverThere]

Thank you guys.. if i posted this on reddit people would laugh at me soo hard and would share post. Creating this account here feels like coming home from this scary world.

i know my life is super bad but i have to remind myself that because i forgot it.. like how could i have good life if i dont talk to anyone at all whotsoever for long.. end even when i talk i say just few words and its all about day and never emotions. like i feel suicidal almost every moment, i am not depressed at all, i am lonly, and i have to conciously remind myself why am i suicidal (because im depressed and have terriable life).

Interesting, I Am kind of like this, I have to constantly remind myself that my life is incredibly low quality because sometimes I acclimate to the pain, and usually this elicits a desire for suicide in me, which I view generally as a good thing as I feel like my life quality necessitates suicide (Rationally), and if I'm actively suicidal it means I'm at a stage in which I'm accurately assessing my life quality. Though Unlike you this is usually pared with depression and dissociation like I mentions prior.

and also reddit is joke of a site, they are filled with people trying to be viewed as kind and caring people, not because they are but rather just so that they can farm karma, and the culture of such a website makes real discussions on serious topics incredibly hard as your not incentivised to do so as a result of the up vote and down vote system, which causes incredibly sanitised echo chambers, which stamp down on dissenting opinions via mass down votes.

which is why I like SS Much more, as there is no system of mass disliking, if you disagree with someone, your only avenue of disagreement is to reply to them and lay out you thoughts which usually results in far more interesting conversations that that of the pseudo intellectualism of the average Redditor. It also feel more welcoming than most other places online.

 

[needthebus]

I'm also kinda addicted to alcohol.. sometimes i drink for like 1 or 2 weeks every day and than i dont drink for like month, idk if thats considered addiction, but its very hard to just stop, because just walking outside without it feels like battle because of my anxiety.

you should go to aa. www.aa.org

they will help you deal.with your anxiety too

 

[LongWayDown]

Interesting, I Am kind of like this, I have to constantly remind myself that my life is incredibly low quality because sometimes I acclimate to the pain, and usually this elicits a desire for suicide in me, which I view generally as a good thing as I feel like my life quality necessitates suicide (Rationally), and if I'm actively suicidal it means I'm at a stage in which I'm accurately assessing my life quality. Though Unlike you this is usually pared with depression and dissociation like I mentions prior.

and also reddit is joke of a site, they are filled with people trying to be viewed as kind and caring people, not because they are but rather just so that they can farm karma, and the culture of such a website makes real discussions on serious topics incredibly hard as your not incentivised to do so as a result of the up vote and down vote system, which causes incredibly sanitised echo chambers, which stamp down on dissenting opinions via mass down votes.

which is why I like SS Much more, as there is no system of mass disliking, if you disagree with someone, your only avenue of disagreement is to reply to them and lay out you thoughts which usually results in far more interesting conversations that that of the pseudo intellectualism of the average Redditor. It also feel more welcoming than most other places online.

Do you think all people, if we we had no fear at all and guilt at all, would commit suicide and if if they woudnt belive in afterlife? if we turned off biases that we know that we have and we know that are influencing our thinking right now, would all people commit suicide? i think yes.

 

[ThatGuyOverThere]

Do you think all people, if we we had no fear at all and guilt at all, would commit suicide and if if they woudnt belive in afterlife? if we turned off biases that we know that we have and we know that are influencing our thinking right now, would all people commit suicide? i think yes.

Definitely, The only thing that holds us back from realising our collective suffering is that humans are not rational thinking machines. people have this misconception about how humans think, we evolved to have our "Rational thinking skill" for the sake of survival, and to use said skills for the opposite of there intention feels rather odd to people, and that oddity is reinforced by societal pressures, and the human desire to find community and to fit into the value set by their respective community.

If we were to completely break down these flaws in the human psyche we would probably see a major increase in suicides, or even at minimum, a large decrease in births. Though this will most likely never happen and is nothing more than an interesting thought experiment.

 

[alivebutnotliving]

sounds like you're already going through and feeling a lot of hard feelings, the last thing on your plate should be wether you are valid or not. I share the same numbness you describe, it really is a battle . Best wishes

 

[Regen]

you should go to aa. www.aa.org

they will help you deal.with your anxiety too

I thought the same. Also because you, OP, wrote that you can't talk to anyone. It's an incredibly good community, you're seen and heard and accepted. If face-to-face meetings are too difficult, there are also telephone meetings to start with. Even if this isn't as helpful, it's better than nothing. Don't let this God thing confuse you, it always sounds weird at first.

I was so sorry to read how much you are suffering and how incredibly lonely you are. Your reasons for suicide are understandable. But it would be just as legitimate if you didn't do it (for now). Nobody knows the future. I have seen people get up from the most difficult situations in life and heal. Others gave up. You never know which side you belong to...

 

[Opera]

I think everyone has the right to ctb whenever it's "socially acceptable" or not. If someone has a happy life by the outside and ctb everyone is shocked because "they had everything". Everyone has their reasons and you have your own.