My mom has leukemia, AML. Shes older and the survival rate is not good for her. She is responding well to treatment however, and has been released from the hospital to continue outpatient chemotherapy for another 6 or so months. The past month and a half ive been staving off the idea of suicide but I just cant go on. I failed out of college, I still have enough money for the next year or so but I am in such misery every day. I'm so lonely and I've burnt all my bridges. I'm moving back home from my apartment after failing out of college to help my mom with chores, errands, and the sort. She doesnt necessarily need me to help, she has other people, but she wants me to be there for the time being. I'm very torn. My mental state is the worst it's ever been. I can't be honest with therapists, and medication helps but only so much. I want out so so bad. What do you guys think? Am I doing a moral wrong by exiting now? Should I just try to mentally shut down for a year or so then do it? I' afraid of losing it and ending up in a psych ward.
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nihilism44
trying my best
- May 2, 2021
- 79
I'm in the same exact situation as you, almost, except I lost my mom in October (not leukemia, she ctb herself due to other issues). Stay with her until she goes if you can, please. I don't know your exact situation, and I don't know your relationship with your mom, but just try to hold out for her.
I'm doing my best, Once i move home I'm going to give it one last very serious effort to if not get better at least cope for the time being. I know I need to be there for her but holy fuck its so bad
nihilism44
trying my best
- May 2, 2021
- 79
I get it. It's so hard to be there for people when you're barely there for yourself. But if you love her, you need to make these last moments as easy on her as you can. Your death would probably destroy her. I'm not trying to guilt you at all, btw. I understand how fucking difficult it can be.
The issue is I have no idea how long she will live. If she goes into remission there is a very high rate of relapse, so her condition could go on for over a decade. I will stay here until shes done with her fist set of chemo and then reassess i guess.
Cynic
Everything happens for a reason
- Apr 19, 2022
- 31
I feel you. My mom gave birth to me as a teen & practically sacrificed her life for me - she's the only person I have and the only reason I haven't ctb yet. I think if you really need to just leave her enough to come with you if she wants
savoytruffle
Student
- Mar 31, 2022
- 197
Try to hold on for her if you can. My mum's the only reason I'm here right now, and the millisecond she's gone is the millisecond I'm gone.
U are not alone. My mum has stopoed chemo might not survive this month.
wljourney
Waiting for the bus
- Apr 2, 2022
- 1,419
Maybe, once you are back home, try to talk about this carefully with your mom.
Have you considered that she might be fighting through the treatment because she sees deep down how much you are struggling and she wants to be there for you?
It's a really difficult conversation to have without alarming people you love, but in my experience talking about things often helps.
Have you considered that she might be fighting through the treatment because she sees deep down how much you are struggling and she wants to be there for you?
It's a really difficult conversation to have without alarming people you love, but in my experience talking about things often helps.
FuneralCry
Just wanting some peace
- Sep 24, 2020
- 43,905
I believe that nobody should be forced to live and we all have the right to exit at a time of our own choosing, no matter what the circumstances are, however I can imagine that it must be a difficult situation to be in. Only you know what the right thing is to do, it is your life. I'm sorry that you are going through this, and I know that this life can be unbearable when you are suffering so much. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.
thedaywillcome
I will leave soon
- Apr 2, 2022
- 358
Worndown
Illuminated
- Mar 21, 2019
- 3,755
I have the same illness and am also recovering. From that perspective I can tell you it will not help her situation. It is nice that you are her temporary care giver since she could not really be home without you. Can you focus on that and survive for a while?
Your mother did not get a good roll of the dice in this, but neither did you.
Any reason is a reason my friend. It's only once all the reason are gone, or the reasons for you to leave outweigh the rest. A reason to stay means you should stay. Get some weed, a computer game and it will silence urges for a while.
My brother is starting chemo on Fri for stage 4 lung cancer, so my ctb is on hold temporarily
its-about-time
nope
- Mar 19, 2022
- 807
Stay around for her. Seriously. I feel for your struggle but caring about someone means caring about their struggle, too. If you must ctb, do it after she's gone. Try to occupy yourself in the meantime with doing right by her. She needs you for more than just chores and errands right now, she needs you emotionally.
loststar
Just looking for the way
- Apr 18, 2022
- 56
_Seeking
I'm only here for this moment
- Dec 16, 2021
- 205
I went through this with my mom, she had stage 4 lung cancer. I moved in with her even though I wanted to die, but I just couldn't do it to her. She ended up living with it for 5 years. I know it's a hard decision to make, you have my sympathy.
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