Dr Iron Arc
Into the Unknown
- Feb 10, 2020
- 20,730
In this case, I think I have to respectfully disagree because it's always bothered me when other people have tried to tell me this. I mean no disrespect though. I'm using a rhetorical "you" in all these following statements:
-There are 7.7 billion people in the world but if you aren't bisexual, then half of them are already permanently excluded.
-People also have age preferences usually no more than ten years younger or older than them so you have to eliminate even more people from the global pool.
-Then there are things like racial, height, and other physical preferences to consider and I don't just mean people who you would prefer, but what are the odds those people would also prefer YOUR exact features in turn?
-AND THEN amongst the limited numbers of eligible humans left, how many of them are already in relationships with other people? There could probably be thousands of people who'd be better with you than the one they're with but if you value commitment and loyalty in a partner, then why would they go after you while they're with someone else?
-After that, let's say somehow there are about 100 eligible people left. Where are they in the world? How will they find you? How will you find them? What are the chances they're even anywhere reachable? This stupid pandemic makes going out even harder these days.
-Dating apps might seem like a solution to finding people locally but sheer availability of choices only makes its users more shallow and discriminating meaning only people who look perfect actually even have a chance.
-Let's say you managed to bypass that and found a few people who have similar interests and/or beliefs to you. How can you be sure if their exact opinions about those interests/beliefs are the same as yours? It sounds stupid but I have heard of people who broke up because one was only slightly less religious than their partner. That was it. They had the same religion and everything but one going to church twice a week instead of once bothered their mate so much that they ended it entirely.
-Also let's say you both like something like...Marvel movies as an inane example. What if two people who both like the same thing still have very different opinions about things within that field? One might say Iron Man 3 was the worst MCU film while the other thinks it's Thor 2. They know that this is such a minor issue but the cloud of disagreement goes on to poison the rest of the relationship. It just goes to show that even within the same community, there is still an annoying amount of diversity of opinions.
-Okay this is starting to lean more into my exact situation and so will the next points but what if you just don't like the idea of approaching people because it feels icky? It doesn't matter how logical it actually is, the fact of the matter is that if you have to chase them then absolutely no attraction will ever be able to surface. That eliminates less confident people as partners. You just don't like the idea of rushing into things.
-Finally, after all that, one single person still finds you in a suicide forum of all places and you weren't looking for them or anyone there. They found you so you don't feel bad about chasing after them! They manage to meet every. single. one of these qualifications. Everything is going smoothly. You actually meet the peak of each other's physical traits in a partner. You have the exact same opinions on such a wide variety of topics that your brains could be clones of each other. You even happen to live very close to each other! Only about 20 miles away. Sounds perfect right? Surely it's perfect?!?
-The other person can't have children and they feel bad about holding you back just because you may or may not want them eventually. That's the end of it. All of the compatibility in the world doesn't matter anymore. They cut you off to spare you from future heartbreak but they don't know or believe that they were such a once-in-a-lifetime shot that this may have been your last chance.
I know it can be frustrating to see people with standards this high because it often looks like they're just punishing themselves for no reason. The fact is though, that to people like me, just diving into anything that comes my way would feel even worse than being single already feels. What's the point of sinking my costs and taking risks on someone I know I already won't be infatuated with at an early stage or in the long run? If they're not near-perfect for me and if I'm not near-perfect enough for them, then seriously what is the point? It will only lead to pain and envy in the future. I think this could be a wrong mindset but I just don't see myself changing it because I just can't overcome what makes me comfortable/uncomfortable. Unfortunately I now realize that this is also how developing limerence became so easy for me. Maybe it's the same for OP, maybe it isn't. If his situation is like the first girl I had a crush on when I was 11 up until I was 20 then she really might want nothing more than to be friends if even that...
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