I'm sorry you feel like that... don't you feel you deserve a chance to recover from your misery and to find out what you're suffering with, and why?
You might have some traits of BPD, everyone has traits, but with therapy and perhaps some medication, you could feel so much better and work towards recovery.
I will describe one of the main scenarios (first time ever admiting it even to myself);
Gay > In love with single straight person > When they get a GF, I won't be able to handle it at all. I'll be all alone, everyone else has a GF and someone that loves them. I would have to go out there to the few LGBT people which I am not attracted to at all, I find very toxic, I just don't like the vibe. I won't ever like it, it's just how I am.
It's unable to be solved, literally. What is the point of me living if I can't be or feel loved? People would say to go out there and I will find someone eventually. I don't have the energy, and I hate that you have to niche and look for other gay people. I just hate it. It's so hard to describe. I'm not even out of the closet, I only would if I found someone lol.
Would be nice if they secretly turned out to be gay or bi too lol, but that looks very unlikely. It's the only thing that's made me hang on for a bit longer. When they get a GF, I will likely go ahead with SN no hesitation lol.
Feel like people are going to judge me saying I'm just impatient, and it's my fault. I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO ENERGY OR MOTIVATION TO GO ON WITH IT, its so hard to describe, damn. Death is just attractive so I don't have to think or deal with this mess.
I'm sorry for the rant. I just had to let go of that, because I don't think I'm ever getting help and it's going to end sadly for me. The only thing I believe I could maybe get help for is my anxiety, etc.