Venting is it worth staying anymore?

[juxtajuno]

tw: rape, abuse, self-harm

i don't know if it's worth it to stay anymore. i have a plethora of mental illnesses, and more trauma than i can honestly handle most days. this is going to get a little lengthy, so i'm sorry in advance. i just need to get all of this off my chest.

i was physically, emotionally, and mentally abused for as long as i can remember. in fact, most of the things i remember from my childhood are the beatings and punishments i received for just... being a kid. my mom homeschooled me for the majority of my life (minus two years in which i went to private school) and being around her 24/7 made my life a living hell. being punched, kicked, and beaten with any object she could get her hands on was an almost daily occurrence. the abuse didn't stop until i was around 17, and i am 19 now. my dad wasn't much help. he was emotionally absent throughout my life, preferring to spend his time working, and never spent any meaningful time with me. i recently remembered how he would grope/sexually assault me when i was around 8 and i feel so disgusting. the memory hasn't left my mind since.

i've been raped once and sexually assaulted countless times more. every romantic partner (minus my current girlfriend, i love her very much) has abused me physically or sexually. i've been making a few friends and i'm in a loving relationship now but i still feel so empty and unloveable. my bpd makes me emotionally unstable and whenever i'm in a relationship with someone i wonder how long it'll be until they leave me. i've struggled with cutting since i was 13 and a restrictive eating disorder since i was 16. i've been clean from both for a month, but i always find myself wanting to go back to them. they give me a sense of control.

i love my girlfriend and i would never do anything to hurt her, but i don't want to be here anymore. she's the only thing keeping me grounded on this earth and once she leaves me i know it'll be time for me to go. i've contemplated pushing her away emotionally to see if she'll give up on me and let me go so i don't hurt her, but i care about her too much to do that. i can't cut myself anymore, either. she's struggled with self-harm before and if i pushed her to start cutting again i would never ever forgive myself. i feel like such a burden to her. i know she loves me and we have a bright future together but i have no idea if i'll be around that long. is it even worth staying?

 

[SilentSadness]

That's disgusting for your own father to sexually harass you, and equally disturbing for the other traumatic experiences you have described. There is no excuse for life to treat you that way and you definitely deserve better. Ultimately, no one can tell you whether to stay or to leave but I hope you make the right decision. It's good that you at least have a partner, I guess that's all you can ask for in this repulsive world.

 

[starrvingstar]

i have so much i wish i could say but cant find the right words for, im sorry about your childhood your parents treated you beyond terribly.

try finding control in other aspects of your life perhaps, i struggle with the same thing i dont really have any other methods to offer you at this moment. know that staying clean is worth more than the consequences of these coping mechanisms which only add layers of problems on top of your terrible struggle already.

it is so worth sticking around with your girlfriend, your reason, and building yourself a life you dream of. a good goal would be to shift and live for yourself in the future. all of this stuff has happened in the past and should not dictate or prevent your future from being something greater. you are way more than this and it does not define your entire chatacter or personality. do nice things for yourself that keep you going every day.

 

[freonix]

i'm so sorry that you had to go through so much trauma. some people really shouldn't be parents. you deserved a safe childhood away from those disgusting people.

i'm not sure what advice to give, because right now i'm also struggling to see the motivation to work towards whatever bright future i may potentially have. i can't say whether the future would be worth it or not, because i've never been there. but maybe you could take the time to do something nice for yourself today? i think you deserve that.

i hope you and your girlfriend find peace and happiness someday.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really horrific what you've been through, it's just beyond awful how humans create so much harm and it's extreme cruelty to force someone into this world just to treat them so badly. But anyway I wish you the best, this world is undeniably such a hellish place.