I don't know. Before I was medicated I lived a life of chronic, unending despair. I wanted nothing more than to disappear into a hole and never come out. I had little to hold on to and the closer I got to ctb the more sure I was. Now that I have my brain in check it's not as hopeless as it was, which somehow seems worse. It's obviously still there, or I wouldn't be here, but the constant ebb and flow of mediocrity to anguish is so frustrating. One day I'm chill and existing, the next I'm eyeballing a piece of rope harder than I ever have. My resolve is there, I will very likely make the choice when my life insurance includes ctb, I just hate the roller coaster. I'd rather be miserable or happy, not both.
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Foresight
Enlightened
- Jun 14, 2019
- 1,393
I definitely understand your exhaustion with the cycle. I'm in that cycle and it's hard to make much movement. It's like here we go again every time the fall comes.
Chronic despair is so bad for the body though. I was a zombie when my despair was chronic. I also had physical, burning pain. There's consistency but it's so hard to even peel out of bed when every single day is that dark. I prefer the rollercoaster and having some brighter days.
Chronic despair is so bad for the body though. I was a zombie when my despair was chronic. I also had physical, burning pain. There's consistency but it's so hard to even peel out of bed when every single day is that dark. I prefer the rollercoaster and having some brighter days.
I don't know which is worse, I feel like I get both - a rollercoaster of emotion on the weekends when I have free time and a dull numbing, anxiety-ridden week. It's exhausting in either case. I feel like the rollercoaster is more dangerous, get high (or low) enough and it becomes easier to fall, or jump. Whereas constant feelings can lead more to exhaustion which makes it harder to actually act on anything sometimes, not to mention it's easier to just fall in a routine and get stuck there even as it gets more and more unbearable. I'd rather have ups and downs, while this tends to make the highs and lows better and worse, I can at least get a bit of enjoyment and then might be more likely to try something, which to me would solve the whole issue since I wouldn't be here to have it anymore.
FuneralCry
Just wanting some peace
- Sep 24, 2020
- 43,269
In my opinion, it is horrible to live in any kind of despair. They are both awful. I know that this life can be unbearable when you are suffering so much. I'm sorry that you are going through this. I wish you the best.
