Y'all I just want to clarify that I am very stereotypically gay and if a girl hadn't gathered I would definitely tell them that I'm gay before dating them. Tbh I was thinking more about when a gay guy dates a lesbian so they can both cover. But that's my bad for not being clear enough, I just wanted to say that I would never "trick" a women into dating me with the intention of "breaking her heart."
I'd be surprised if anybody took issue with any of that
You'd be surprised by some of the other comments and Private messages then
Well, hon, here's my impression. (Not trying to make you smaller by calling you hon, only showing some genuine affection, but I understand if it's rejected, no worries.)
In the OP, there wasn't an intention stated of maliciously trying to break someone's heart, but of trying to help your own heart. The title question also showed that you were questioning if what you were considering was ethically wrong. A gay and a lesbian being beards for one another is a matter of mutual informed consent, so no problem!
In the OP, you referenced a prior relationship with a straight girl, and said that there are currently loads of girls interested in you. There was no indication they're lesbians seeking a beard, it seemed pretty clear from start to finish that this was about straight girls who are seeking a straight-type connection, and asking if it's okay to take advantage of what's on offer in order to meet needs that aren't being met due to an unavailability of gay men.
I think it's a fair summary of comments that opposed the idea that, yes, it's wrong because it would be manipulative, because it's not based on mutual agreement founded on disclosure of your orientation and intentions.
I get that you took some hits and it didn't feel good. Behind the hits, I think it's natural that some would put themselves in the girls' shoes and get pissed at being used, similar to how some folks put themselves in the shoes of a train conductor when the train method is considered. It's involvement based on one person's intentions being used for another's purpose, and that harms them. Folks feel that hurt and fight against it to relieve discomfort and pain. That is the function of blame, to relieve those feelings.
I get that you want folks to back off, and in order to do so, that you might be trying to both change the original story and save face, but in my experience, that usually backfires and leads to more backlash. I hate to see you go through that, any more than I hate to see someone suffer the consequences of a method failing because they didn't properly prepare. Folks make mistakes and errors in judgement, they're human, and sometimes they suffer for those errors. Being human is hard. I care about that kind of hurt because I, too, have made mistakes and suffered consequences.
From the start of this thread, I applauded your asking advice so that you wouldn't make a mistake. But along the way, I noticed your signature and detected that you might have a stance that would encourage you to move in the direction of a mistake with many harmful outcomes. However, it did undermining harm to my initial and sincere support by pointing it out in the way that I did. I've already publicly admitted I was in error since you had such a vehement response. I didn't even report your comment in spite of you repeatedly telling me to fuck right off.
I showed compassion and respect for your intial exploration of the topic and your questioning; I had compassion for your reaction to my one non-compassionate and admittedly judgemental sentence; I had compassion for your motivations for making the other thread and didn't get defensive and jump in; and I have compassion for you now trying to turn down the heat, and as such, am compassionately telling you, it's probably another mistake that's gonna backfire and make things worse. You've been offered understanding for the new narrative, and you're being defensive even against the understanding. That concerns me for you, like a big sister for a little brother. That's not to diminish you and make you smaller, I'm trying to explain my heart as it feels toward you. As you said in the other thread, you're only 18. I used to volunteer with and mentor teens. And I love my gays. This is my heart I'm sharing here, not a condemning finger.
If I were your big sister, I would give you a hug and try to talk you through this, just as I was trying to do in my first comment, just as I did in my admitting to error, just as I am in this comment -- with both common sense and love. I always strive to speak truth as I know it, and if it's true, it may sting a little to hear it when it pierces protection that doesn't serve; but it never harms, in fact it supports and strengthens. I wouldn't tell you to go out in a horrible outfit so you'll feel better for the moment, only to suffer what happens once you're out the door.
This is all compassion and heart and honesty here that I'm offering. And I make no demands that you accept or use it. That's totally up to you, I take no offense if you choose to reject it, whether in the moment or permanently. I'm cool with me. I'm cool with whatever you choose to do, because you're an autonomous adult, not a child running into traffic. I think this has been a rough experience for you, and I have faith that you can not only survive it, but learn and grow from it, when and if you choose to do so, or when it feels safe for it to sink in without hurting as much as it might now.
In closing, I say these things publicly because you introduced this and the related conversation publicly. I'm not trying to tear you down but to build you up, and I think it furthers understanding for all involved if I speak openly rather behind the scenes. And while I have sisterly/mentor-y feelings, it's a personal boundary that I don't develop close personal relationships on the forum, so sending a PM might imply an invitation to an intimacy that I won't follow through on. I'm here to die, not enhance living with increasingly close relationships. It would harm both parties for me to do so.
In this message and any post I've ever made on the forum, I own that any error in perception or my judgment about whether or not I've acted rightly is mine.
Sincerely wishing for your well-being.
(Edited for typos.)
