Is it unhealthy to date someone just to feel loved?

[gnomeboy17]

For context, I'm gay but I dated a girl end of 2016-2017. I thought I loved her at the time but I didn't, I just loved feeling loved. Now I want to date someone just to feel less alone. I was genuinely quite suicidal before I met her, from about the age of 9 I thought about it, then after we started dating I just felt so happy, but when we broke up I went back to how I was feeling. There's no gay guys near me but loads of girls are interested in me, I don't know whether I should ask one of them out.

 

[mathieu]

There are gay guys everywhere most just don't advertise it. I would try to find a guy if you're gay otherwise it would be like dating someone you aren't attracted to at all. That doesn't sound ideal to me.

 

[GoBack]

It's kinda not fair, what if a girl falls for you and you can't love her back. You'll just break her heart

 

[StuckAF]

It's kinda not fair, what if a girl falls for you and you can't love her back. You'll just break her heart

Well people want us to be "normal" and when we do they shame us too. Like god just take my soul.

 

[SpottedPanda]

No civilised person wants you to pretend to be straight

 

[Shoopie]

In my opinion, not in your position. You risk ultimately hating yourself for it when you see the hurt it could bring.

 

[Final Escape]

For context, I'm gay but I dated a girl end of 2016-2017. I thought I loved her at the time but I didn't, I just loved feeling loved. Now I want to date someone just to feel less alone. I was genuinely quite suicidal before I met her, from about the age of 9 I thought about it, then after we started dating I just felt so happy, but when we broke up I went back to how I was feeling. There's no gay guys near me but loads of girls are interested in me, I don't know whether I should ask one of them out.

Heck yes you should. Also being gay does not mean you cannot have relationships with women. Even though u have a preference for guys sexually, men and women were meant to compliment each other for a reason. I'm absolutely not trying to say being gay is bad or invalidating that you feel more interested or comfortable with men, it's just that nature designed us to more naturally pair up with opposite sex because men cannot provide men with certain aspects to a relationship that a woman normally would. It doesn't mean u have to give up men. I began a relationship with a guy I'm not attracted to and have little desire to have sex with but I'm benefiting from the relationship because he's helping financially and he's a good friend so far. I miss sex though. Also realize that it often takes men a long long time to fall in love with a woman or probably even a man too. Men take a very long time of dating any woman before they begin to fall in love. They might be infatuated with a woman or excited by her but it takes a long time before a guy falls in love. You should be honest with the woman about being gay, and that u might want to see a guy at some point. Maybe not up front but probably worth talking about bc maybe some women might not like it but some will be understanding and still want to date u. It may or may not be possible to get used to sex with a woman and I don't know anything about what it feels like to be gay, but just take things slow until u can develop an emotional connection. A bond will grow regardless if it's a guy or girl over time.

 

[StuckAF]

Heck yes you should. Also being gay does not mean you cannot have relationships with women. Even though u have a preference for guys sexually, men and women were meant to compliment each other for a reason. I'm absolutely not trying to say being gay is bad or invalidating that you feel more interested or comfortable with men, it's just that nature designed us to more naturally pair up with opposite sex because men cannot provide men with certain aspects to a relationship that a woman normally would. It doesn't mean u have to give up men. I began a relationship with a guy I'm not attracted to and have little desire to have sex with but I'm benefiting from the relationship because he's helping financially and he's a good friend so far. I miss sex though. Also realize that it often takes men a long long time to fall in love with a woman or probably even a man too. Men take a very long time of dating any woman before they begin to fall in love. They might be infatuated with a woman or excited by her but it takes a long time before a guy falls in love. You should be honest with the woman about being gay, and that u might want to see a guy at some point. Maybe not up front but probably worth talking about bc maybe some women might not like it but some will be understanding and still want to date u. It may or may not be possible to get used to sex with a woman and I don't know anything about what it feels like to be gay, but just take things slow until u can develop an emotional connection. A bond will grow regardless if it's a guy or girl over time.

I would rather kill my self than do something other guys do naturally with love and passion.

 

[Jean Améry]

Define 'unhealthy'. It's quite human, that's for sure.

I would make it clear you're just interested in friendship, not romance. You don't want to lead someone on. I'd think most women would love to have a gay best friend with whom they can share everything and connect to emotionally. You'll probably be able to understand women better than most straight men.

Of course I don't know where you live but I'm sure you should be able to find men of your orientation. If you live in a small town consider moving to a big city: you'll certainly find what you're looking for there. Try looking online to connect with other gay men.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Heck yes you should. Also being gay does not mean you cannot have relationships with women. Even though u have a preference for guys sexually, men and women were meant to compliment each other for a reason. I'm absolutely not trying to say being gay is bad or invalidating that you feel more interested or comfortable with men, it's just that nature designed us to more naturally pair up with opposite sex because men cannot provide men with certain aspects to a relationship that a woman normally would. It doesn't mean u have to give up men. I began a relationship with a guy I'm not attracted to and have little desire to have sex with but I'm benefiting from the relationship because he's helping financially and he's a good friend so far. I miss sex though. Also realize that it often takes men a long long time to fall in love with a woman or probably even a man too. Men take a very long time of dating any woman before they begin to fall in love. They might be infatuated with a woman or excited by her but it takes a long time before a guy falls in love. You should be honest with the woman about being gay, and that u might want to see a guy at some point. Maybe not up front but probably worth talking about bc maybe some women might not like it but some will be understanding and still want to date u. It may or may not be possible to get used to sex with a woman and I don't know anything about what it feels like to be gay, but just take things slow until u can develop an emotional connection. A bond will grow regardless if it's a guy or girl over time.

TL;DR

Get yours. Tell the truth maybe, but get them hooked on the line first, then see if they fight and get away. Hook yourself as well, to the belief in mystical alchemy -- that initial self-serving motivations and manipulations just might turn into love, mutual acceptance, desire, and a fairytale ending. You didn't offer what they want, but they might find out the truth is even better!

Is that an accurate summary?

Seems like basically you're being a conspiracy of one with hidden agendas. :(

For context, I'm gay but I dated a girl end of 2016-2017. I thought I loved her at the time but I didn't, I just loved feeling loved. Now I want to date someone just to feel less alone. I was genuinely quite suicidal before I met her, from about the age of 9 I thought about it, then after we started dating I just felt so happy, but when we broke up I went back to how I was feeling. There's no gay guys near me but loads of girls are interested in me, I don't know whether I should ask one of them out.

I respect that you're asking about this and trying to work it out. To be blunt, what you're talking about is a bait and switch. It's a manipulation to get your needs met, and the other person is a victim. Even if they end up enjoying it, you walked into it looking for a mark, not an equal partner who's seeking the same thing they are.

 

[Final Escape]

Hey im attempting to help for real. There's no agenda. I'm not telling him what he should do. But seriously I'm just saying that even though people can be interested in the same sex it does not mean that nature meant this to be a common or regular occurrence because if it was very common very few people would make it to spread genes to the next generation. This is only reason I say that. If it was the predominant norm there would be very few babies being born.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Hey im attempting to help for real. There's no agenda. I'm not telling him what he should do. But seriously I'm just saying that even though people can be interested in the same sex it does not mean that nature meant this to be a common or regular occurrence because if it was very common very few people would make it to spread genes to the next generation. This is only reason I say that. If it was the predominant norm there would be very few babies being born.

Okay, but it sounds to me like validating manipulation and doubling down on it with unrelated issues like nature and procreation.

What I perceived with regard to an agenda is that you have an agenda in how you get others to meet your wants or needs, and find ways to justify it. I didn't mean that you have an agenda toward the OP, but an agenda for yourself, and advise the OP to seek similar benefit in a similar way.

But that's my perspective and I own it. I don't expect you to own it, but if I were someone either of you sought to connect with, I would be very wary because the goal wouldn't be for reciprocal benefit. As I said to the OP, it's a bait and switch. Folks always have the right to say no, but it's using undue influence if it's not clear what they are being asked to agree to.

I doubt I'll convince you, and that's okay. If you want to respond, I'll let you have the last word, I don't need to win. I accept you have the right to decide what's best for you and how to go about it, and I extend that to the OP as well.

Edit: As the OP's signature says, "No I'd rather pretend." That's helpful information to know. :)

 

[Aap]

Grindr is not in your area?

It sounds like you don't want a friendship with a female, but rather start a relationship on a false pretense. I've done more stupid shit than anyone I could imagine. Believe me, you play this game, and you'll one day understand how the people you've left in your wake feel.

 

[Final Escape]

Okay, but it sounds to me like validating manipulation and doubling down on it with unrelated issues like nature and procreation.

What I perceived with regard to an agenda is that you have an agenda in how you get others to meet your wants or needs, and find ways to justify it. I didn't mean that you have an agenda toward the OP, but an agenda for yourself, and advise the OP to seek similar benefit in a similar way.

But that's my perspective and I own it. I don't expect you to own it, but if I were someone either of you sought to connect with, I would be very wary because the goal wouldn't be for reciprocal benefit. As I said to the OP, it's a bait and switch. Folks always have the right to say no, but it's using undue influence if it's not clear what they are being asked to agree to.

I doubt I'll convince you, and that's okay. If you want to respond, I'll let you have the last word, I don't need to win. I accept you have the right to decide what's best for you and how to go about it, and I extend that to the OP as well.

Edit: As the OP's signature says, "No I'd rather pretend." That's helpful information to know. :)

I was suggesting that he should still date women because I was concerned about his well being. He said that he's lonely and felt happier being with someone even if it's a woman in the past. Since many women are interested I thought it was a good idea because he could still find the benefits from a relationship regardless of sexual orientation. Also it doesn't mean he has to have sex with them. You shouldn't just have the goal of sexual hookups anyway because they are not likely to last over the longterm. Not having any relationships and being isolated is more harmful to people than having an imperfect relationship.

 

[Good4Nothing]

"Is it unhealthy to date someone just to feel loved?"

Wait... There's other reasons to date someone?

 

[SpottedPanda]

"Is it unhealthy to date someone just to feel loved?"

Wait... There's other reasons to date someone?

Yeah I thought that exact same thing, because that's what makes sense when finding love. However, the issue seems a bit deeper, relating to dating people of the sex you're not attracted to, which seems like an entirely different issue, if not a complicated one.

 

[IrRegularjoe]

What about being friends with these girls. And finding a guy to date.

 

[Cosmiq]

I mean lots of people do it and feel it's totally normal and I think it can lead to an unhealthy relationship. But I don't necessarily think it means you're unhealthy for wanting it.
I can recall a conversation I was having with a guy who was most likely trying to set me up with a friend at a party. I told him I didn't really date, and was because I should focus on myself and didn't want to potentially cause someone emotional pain just because I didn't want to be alone. He said what if the person could help me get through it. While it's a possibility, it just not something I'm open to having dated someone that for the most part just didn't want to be alone but wasn't all the invested in the relationship.

 

[gnomeboy17]

Edit: As the OP's signature says, "No I'd rather pretend." That's helpful information to know. :)

FUCK RIGHT OFF!! That signature is a reference to a song that means a lot to me, I've had it there for a while.

"No I'd rather pretend I'm something better than these broken parts, pretend I'm something other than this mess that I am (etc)"

This song means so much to me and is in reference to how I hide my depression, anxiety and SI, like the person singing this song. So fuck right off using it against me like that. We're all sad here, why do you have to try and make me feel worse about myself.

What about being friends with these girls. And finding a guy to date.

Believe me, if I could find a guy to date obviously I would as I don't want to date girls

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

FUCK RIGHT OFF!! That signature is a reference to a song that means a lot to me, I've had it there for a while.

"No I'd rather pretend I'm something better than these broken parts, pretend I'm something other than this mess that I am (etc)"

This song means so much to me and is in reference to how I hide my depression, anxiety and SI, like the person singing this song. So fuck right off using it against me like that. We're all sad here, why do you have to try and make me feel worse about myself.

I hear your vehemence and your defense, and I take no offense at any words you used. I hear what's behind them and acknowledge that, and I acknowledge you. I misinterpreted. I thought your signature represents a general way in which you deal with things. I was in error and I retract my incorrect assessment that the quote was relevant to the discussion.

 

[TowerUpright]

Honestly, if I could go back in time to my early high school self and could only tell myself one thing, it would be never date anyone just to feel loved.

That one thing has caused me so much pain in my life and is a main reason for wanting to CTB.

 

[StuckAF]

Honestly, if I could go back in time to my early high school self and could only tell myself one thing, it would be never date anyone just to feel loved.

That one thing has caused me so much pain in my life and is a main reason for wanting to CTB.

I thought about doing that but I realized quickly that its a recipe for disaster

 

[Arrow]

ehh...yeah, that's unhealthy if i had to say so. you should at least love the person you're with.

 

[Pan]

Why would it be unhealthy? It's called LOVE, after all...
Straight, gay, bi, trans, queer? Who cares, frankly? It's all in the LOVE, right? Why create ghettos of desire? That revolution is over. Why regiment it or pidgeonhole it?

 

[autumnal]

Heck yes you should. Also being gay does not mean you cannot have relationships with women. Even though u have a preference for guys sexually, men and women were meant to compliment each other for a reason. I'm absolutely not trying to say being gay is bad or invalidating that you feel more interested or comfortable with men, it's just that nature designed us to more naturally pair up with opposite sex because men cannot provide men with certain aspects to a relationship that a woman normally would. It doesn't mean u have to give up men. I began a relationship with a guy I'm not attracted to and have little desire to have sex with but I'm benefiting from the relationship because he's helping financially and he's a good friend so far. I miss sex though. Also realize that it often takes men a long long time to fall in love with a woman or probably even a man too. Men take a very long time of dating any woman before they begin to fall in love. They might be infatuated with a woman or excited by her but it takes a long time before a guy falls in love. You should be honest with the woman about being gay, and that u might want to see a guy at some point. Maybe not up front but probably worth talking about bc maybe some women might not like it but some will be understanding and still want to date u. It may or may not be possible to get used to sex with a woman and I don't know anything about what it feels like to be gay, but just take things slow until u can develop an emotional connection. A bond will grow regardless if it's a guy or girl over time.

Wait...what?

I don't know anything about what it feels like to be gay

Yeah, you certainly weren't kidding!

 

[Emily123]

not at all . it is not healthy to date someone to get attention . But is always good to experience love

 

[SpottedPanda]

Being with a woman just for companionship whilst being gay would be like me settling down with a man under the pretence we were a couple, just because I couldn't get a woman. Forgetting outdated traditionalist perspectives, I can only imagine this'd trigger confusion and regret for both parties involved.

Sometimes I wish I were born gay. Men are simpler creatures. But from the frame I am in, if I wanted a woman and couldn't find one. I don't know, maybe I lived in a mining town, or something, I'd move to a new place with more women, or get online on Tinder maybe, play my hand at the dating game, see where it went.

 

[Bct]

Maybe you can stand to date someone you're not attracted to, but without telling her the truth about your sexual preference upfront, that will lead to an unhealthy relationship. She'll feel betrayed when she knows the truth, and maybe you'll still end up feeling lonely because you're still craving love from a guy. In short, it's unhealthy.

Even though I'm a straight, I understand the frustration of can't finding someone who has mutual feelings. You may be able to find a gay in your town, but whether he's also attracted to you is another thing.

 

[GoBack]

You could be friends with the girls. They'll love you. But if you lie to one and try date her and hurt her, girls talk. It could hurt you back a lot more. Friendly advice

 

[Isittimetogonola]

We all want to feel that love. Human nature I guess. I am going to hurt so many by loving / leaving them but at that peaceful moment, I will be the most selfish ever...just for me...no one else..