• Hey Guest,

    An update on the OFCOM situation: As you know, censorship around the world has been ramping up at an alarming pace. OFCOM, the UKā€™s communications regulator, has singled out our community, demanding compliance with their Online Safety Act despite our minimal UK presence. This is a blatant overreach, and they have been sending letters pressuring us to comply with their censorship agenda.

    Our platform is already blocked by many UK ISPs, yet they continue their attempts to stifle free speech. Standing up to this kind of regulatory overreach requires lots of resources to maintain our infrastructure and fight back against these unjust demands. If you value our community and want to support us during this time, we would greatly appreciate any and all donations.

    Read more about the situation here: Click to View Post

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ChildrensITV

ChildrensITV

Arcanist
Mar 14, 2023
460
I am a figuratively-dribbling, depressed, tormented, unproductive mess. I am on the verge of tears most of the time. Nothing gives me a respite except sleep. I look forward to drinking at the weekend but for what? It doesn't even make me tipsy anymore. It's more like a placebo that makes me bloated. I used to play videogames - my one escape left. But I open the game, and within 20 seconds, I don't give a fuck about doing the mission.

The last 2 weeks, I have barely applied for jobs. I have had interviews but only cuz of applications I did weeks ago. I was crying 30 min before one interview recently. I hold it together just barely for the remote interview to happen, then I slouch back in my chair, again unable to do anything. I've been going through depression most of my life but the last few years have been rough, and then a recent loss over the last 2 months, culminating in a bigger loss in the last 2 weeks, has completely destroyed me.

I was a broken teenager. I am a broken man. If there were a fix that kept me alive, I would have found it by now. All that is happening is that I am getting older, missing out on more experiences, becoming more unattractive, less qualified, more depressed, and further behind my peers or even people younger than me.

The cloud of anxiety and depression is always there. Trying to have any positive or constructive thought is like trying to speak over an orchestra of anguish. I just get drowned out. I go to make a cup of tea: I get my cup, the cloud is there. I boil the kettle. The cloud is there while I wait. I go to the fridge to get milk. The cloud is there. It's always there. It's a constant backdrop. A constant background hum to my brain and soul.

It's so blatantly obvious that my life is a failure. I would have some thinking to do if I were at least successful in my career - if I had one success to my name in the last decade or so. I would need to think if this is the right thing to do. If my life hadn't been a failure for decades, there might be hope of recovering the real me. But things are so far gone and have been bad for so long that I don't need to think if this is the right thing to do. The only thing to think is: Can I muster the "selfishness", courage and resources to end it?

If I could just stop the cloud of anxiety and depression over me for a few hours a day, that would be something, but I can't unless I am sleep. I can't sleep all day and night. The only thing I can do to stop the unbearable anguish is sleep forever.
 
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Zegers

Zegers

Enlightened
Dec 15, 2021
1,761
The cloud of anxiety and depression is always there. I just get drowned out. I go to make a cup of tea: I get my cup, the cloud is there. I boil the kettle. The cloud is there while I wait. I go to the fridge to get milk. The cloud is there. It's always there. It's a constant backdrop.
It sounds like my problem (GAD) is like since then i can't be calm, no matter what you are doing, it's torturing.
 
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L

leavingsoon99

I'm at peace... Finally.
Mar 16, 2023
722
It's so blatantly obvious that my life is a failure. I would have some thinking to do if I were at least successful in my career - if I had one success to my name in the last decade or so.
Same. I have to make up reasons why I get out of bed every morning. I sometimes wonder what actually pushes (people who I would consider...) successful people over the edge to CTB. That's what I'm doing right now, is mustering up the courage and boost to do it. I don't even think about the pain anymore. Like you, I just want it to be over. Also like you, sleep is my one getaway from it all. I look forward to sleeping. My wish for you is to find peace, whatever you decide.
 
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U

Unending

Enlightened
Nov 5, 2022
1,517
I'm really sorry, I feel for you and really relate.
Trying to have any positive or constructive thought is like trying to speak over an orchestra of anguish. I just get drowned out. I go to make a cup of tea: I get my cup, the cloud is there. I boil the kettle. The cloud is there while I wait. I go to the fridge to get milk. The cloud is there. It's always there. It's a constant backdrop. A constant background hum to my brain and soul.
I experience this. Any task is turned into torture by that cloud that follows if I don't be sure to completely zone out at all times. You couldn't of said it better.
 
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tiredangelgirl

tiredangelgirl

i'm sorry i'm trying my best
Aug 1, 2022
76
I felt this so deeply it hurts, sending you love and hope you feel some joy soon
 
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B

BBBB

Member
Jan 13, 2023
167
"I am a figuratively-dribbling, depressed, tormented, unproductive mess. I am on the verge of tears most of the time. Nothing gives me a respite except sleep"

SAME HERE! šŸ˜ž
 
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freevoid

freevoid

Student
Jul 11, 2022
137
I strongly relate to your experience, especially this:

The cloud of anxiety and depression is always there. Trying to have any positive or constructive thought is like trying to speak over an orchestra of anguish. I just get drowned out. I go to make a cup of tea: I get my cup, the cloud is there. I boil the kettle. The cloud is there while I wait. I go to the fridge to get milk. The cloud is there. It's always there. It's a constant backdrop. A constant background hum to my brain and soul.

CBT or meditation or positive affirmation is absolutely laughable in case like that. Like giving someone a rain jacket and telling them to walk into a hurricane, they'll be alright! -_- This is my 24/7 experience. I don't even get respite from sleep due to being an insomniac and having nightmares every single night.

Sorry you are suffering so bad

I hope we all find peace
 
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ChildrensITV

ChildrensITV

Arcanist
Mar 14, 2023
460
CBT or meditation or positive affirmation is absolutely laughable in case like that. Like giving someone a rain jacket and telling them to walk into a hurricane, they'll be alright! -_-

Spot-on.
 
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Reactions: Zegers and leavingsoon99
TimetoGo!

TimetoGo!

Wizard
Aug 30, 2022
639
I am a figuratively-dribbling, depressed, tormented, unproductive mess. I am on the verge of tears most of the time. Nothing gives me a respite except sleep. I look forward to drinking at the weekend but for what? It doesn't even make me tipsy anymore. It's more like a placebo that makes me bloated. I used to play videogames - my one escape left. But I open the game, and within 20 seconds, I don't give a fuck about doing the mission.

The last 2 weeks, I have barely applied for jobs. I have had interviews but only cuz of applications I did weeks ago. I was crying 30 min before one interview recently. I hold it together just barely for the remote interview to happen, then I slouch back in my chair, again unable to do anything. I've been going through depression most of my life but the last few years have been rough, and then a recent loss over the last 2 months, culminating in a bigger loss in the last 2 weeks, has completely destroyed me.

I was a broken teenager. I am a broken man. If there were a fix that kept me alive, I would have found it by now. All that is happening is that I am getting older, missing out on more experiences, becoming more unattractive, less qualified, more depressed, and further behind my peers or even people younger than me.

The cloud of anxiety and depression is always there. Trying to have any positive or constructive thought is like trying to speak over an orchestra of anguish. I just get drowned out. I go to make a cup of tea: I get my cup, the cloud is there. I boil the kettle. The cloud is there while I wait. I go to the fridge to get milk. The cloud is there. It's always there. It's a constant backdrop. A constant background hum to my brain and soul.

It's so blatantly obvious that my life is a failure. I would have some thinking to do if I were at least successful in my career - if I had one success to my name in the last decade or so. I would need to think if this is the right thing to do. If my life hadn't been a failure for decades, there might be hope of recovering the real me. But things are so far gone and have been bad for so long that I don't need to think if this is the right thing to do. The only thing to think is: Can I muster the "selfishness", courage and resources to end it?

If I could just stop the cloud of anxiety and depression over me for a few hours a day, that would be something, but I can't unless I am sleep. I can't sleep all day and night. The only thing I can do to stop the unbearable anguish is sleep forever.
I feel your pain brother. Very difficult to lift that dark cloud once it grabs you.
 
O

outrider567

Visionary
Apr 5, 2022
2,774
I am a figuratively-dribbling, depressed, tormented, unproductive mess. I am on the verge of tears most of the time. Nothing gives me a respite except sleep. I look forward to drinking at the weekend but for what? It doesn't even make me tipsy anymore. It's more like a placebo that makes me bloated. I used to play videogames - my one escape left. But I open the game, and within 20 seconds, I don't give a fuck about doing the mission.

The last 2 weeks, I have barely applied for jobs. I have had interviews but only cuz of applications I did weeks ago. I was crying 30 min before one interview recently. I hold it together just barely for the remote interview to happen, then I slouch back in my chair, again unable to do anything. I've been going through depression most of my life but the last few years have been rough, and then a recent loss over the last 2 months, culminating in a bigger loss in the last 2 weeks, has completely destroyed me.

I was a broken teenager. I am a broken man. If there were a fix that kept me alive, I would have found it by now. All that is happening is that I am getting older, missing out on more experiences, becoming more unattractive, less qualified, more depressed, and further behind my peers or even people younger than me.

The cloud of anxiety and depression is always there. Trying to have any positive or constructive thought is like trying to speak over an orchestra of anguish. I just get drowned out. I go to make a cup of tea: I get my cup, the cloud is there. I boil the kettle. The cloud is there while I wait. I go to the fridge to get milk. The cloud is there. It's always there. It's a constant backdrop. A constant background hum to my brain and soul.

It's so blatantly obvious that my life is a failure. I would have some thinking to do if I were at least successful in my career - if I had one success to my name in the last decade or so. I would need to think if this is the right thing to do. If my life hadn't been a failure for decades, there might be hope of recovering the real me. But things are so far gone and have been bad for so long that I don't need to think if this is the right thing to do. The only thing to think is: Can I muster the "selfishness", courage and resources to end it?

If I could just stop the cloud of anxiety and depression over me for a few hours a day, that would be something, but I can't unless I am sleep. I can't sleep all day and night. The only thing I can do to stop the unbearable anguish is sleep forever.
'The cloud of anxiety and depression is always there', that's me also, in spades
 

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