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lionetta12

Just a random person
Aug 5, 2022
1,193
i have this battle with guilt everyday. I love my children so much yet im struggling everyday with suicidal thoughts. I feel guilty for wanting to leave them but also guilty for staying. Cant go on much longer
I'm not sure what the «right» answer to this question would be. It's a very complex topic with several possible issues and outcomes depending on the circumstances of the situation, the people involved, etc. I assume most people would say and think that CTB when you have kids is an awful thing to do due to the potentional trauma you might put them through and since they might feel abandoned by a parent when you're gone.

I've had thoughts about CTB since I was 11 and I'm now in my mid 20s. I still have these thoughts no matter what happens in my life it seems. I had a pregnancy and chose to end it due to various of reasons, but the main reason was that I was pretty sure that the dad would CTB if I had the kid even though he said he wanted me to keep it. People always say «people change when they have kids» but that's not always true and there's no guarantee for that. Some get more suicidal than they already were when they have a child, while some finally feel like they have a purpose or something to live for. I didn't want to take that risk and I didn't want to potentionally traumatize my own kid in the future and explain to them that they don't have a dad anymore suddenly and why. My dad got kicked out by my mom when I was a toddler and I didn't know where he was or if he was alive, that was pretty devastating for me to experience and nobody would tell me anything. I can't imagine doing that same thing to my own child and for them to go through anything similar to that. I wouldn't be able to handle such a situation mentally and I'd blame myself for it and feel overwhelmed by the guilt.
 
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Reactions: suffering_mo
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suffering_mo

Specialist
May 8, 2024
358
OP asked a question that I would think he/she wants an honest answer to from everyone. What am I missing

I'm sorry but there is no way to sugarcoat the fact that once you have made the deision to have children, your will to stay alive is non-negotiable. Coddling in this scenario is more likely to make it seem to OP that it's even remotely OK and a disservice to OP's children. And it's seems a little ironic and hypocritical that you would use "be nice in your comments" and the word "fucking" in the same sentence.
I have a right to what I said also. OPs mistake was asking for opinions. He should not have. I stand by what I said and clearly you are too. You obviously didn't read my earlier post to him, encouraging him to do all he could and stay. There's point in discussing it any further as we aren't going to agree on this.
 
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suffering_mo

Specialist
May 8, 2024
358
I only have this one last thing to say.... there was a mom on here who CTB over a month ago and I have confirmed it....She was a beautiful, beautiful human being who did EVERYTHING she could to be well and take care of her children. She was in immense physical pain from EDS, had small fiber neuropathy, severe insomnia, POTS, severe depression (of course) and more that no meds or medical treatment could help with... she could not walk much, let alone drive. No comfort, peace, only pain and suffering. Her husband kicked her out of the family home because he needed to focus on the children and didn't want to see or deal with her anymore. She had to live with her mom and brother, in a disgusting, bug infested home, sleeping on an air mattress on the living room floor (if she could get any sleep, the lack of which drove her to psychosis). She spoke with her kids nightly and saw them about once a month. Her life was a living hell... progressively getting worse. She was blamed and accused for not doing enough to get better, despite seeking out treatments, and trying over 30 meds, none of which helped. She could not take it anymore, though she wanted to keep going for her babies. She was living in a hell that you people can't fathom. Judge her if you want but you better hope and pray that life never comes for you in such a way. RIP my friend.
 
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Reactions: Tombs_in_your_eyes, LifeQuitter and everydaythesame
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HopeToStay

Member
May 31, 2024
75
Not selfish to want to do it.

Definitely selfish to do it though.

You had kids and you took on a responsibility, gotta hang around until they are at least adults.
 
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everydaythesame

Member
Nov 19, 2023
50
I have a right to what I said also. OPs mistake was asking for opinions. He should not have. I stand by what I said and clearly you are too. You obviously didn't read my earlier post to him, encouraging him to do all he could and stay. There's point in discussing it any further as we aren't going to agree on this.
Thank you for your support, it means alot. I have more to say but no point with the reaction of some people on here.
 
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suffering_mo

Specialist
May 8, 2024
358
Many hugs. I know you are going through a hard time but life can get better for you, it seems like. Try hard, not just for your kids but for you too. Everyone should give it all they can, not just parents. I'm sorry for your suffering.
Thank you for your support, it means alot. I have more to say but no point with the reaction of some people on here.
 
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Reactions: everydaythesame

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