is it selfish to make connections if i know i'm going to commit suicide

[GASLIGHTER7000]

hi everyone. i've been thinking lately about my goals in life, whether i want to live or die and if i feel ready to die. there are often times when i feel urged to die impulsively, when i'm depressed or something upsetting has happened. aside from those moments, it used to be quite rare i was determined to commit suicide.

i always used to wish for a happier life. when i think of things i always wanted, it would be a more loving family, more friends and better social skills. for a long time these goals seemed out of reach for me. but my life has changed significantly over the past year. my family is much more understanding towards my depression as well as supportive. my social skills have improved a lot as i've left my shell, i talk to people irl daily now and often get 10k-20k steps.

i've formed various close connections as of lately, with more confidence to talk to people and with improved mental health, it's been easier to get close to people. but some part of me is well aware that the way i plan to die is suicide. i have little to no interest to living until i'm much older. there are still many dilemmas in my life that just can't change- and will urge me towards suicide for the entirety of my life. i can't escape suicide, i can move further away but i know it'll likely be my end.

my question is if it's selfish to continue to grow close to people, people whom i know care about me and want to be apart of my life for the rest of theirs.

i guess i ask this question because i think i will ctb soon, sometime within the next few years. my sn arrived a few weeks ago but my life has improved since then. i know it'll go downhill again.

i was told by my friend that if i ever feel urged to commit suicide, cut or hurt myself, to talk to him. he said he didn't want me to die, and that he was lonely before he met me. i should have been happy, and i was- but i was more sad that i might leave him lonely again. i felt selfish. many people choose suicide when they hit a wall, when their life causes them too much grief to keep going- but committing suicide is almost a desire of mine. it's a selfish urge i have over the state of my life- because my life is imperfect and i can't stand to live that way.

 

[lastappleonearth]

hi everyone. i've been thinking lately about my goals in life, whether i want to live or die and if i feel ready to die. there are often times when i feel urged to die impulsively, when i'm depressed or something upsetting has happened. aside from those moments, it used to be quite rare i was determined to commit suicide.

i always used to wish for a happier life. when i think of things i always wanted, it would be a more loving family, more friends and better social skills. for a long time these goals seemed out of reach for me. but my life has changed significantly over the past year. my family is much more understanding towards my depression as well as supportive. my social skills have improved a lot as i've left my shell, i talk to people irl daily now and often get 10k-20k steps.

i've formed various close connections as of lately, with more confidence to talk to people and with improved mental health, it's been easier to get close to people. but some part of me is well aware that the way i plan to die is suicide. i have little to no interest to living until i'm much older. there are still many dilemmas in my life that just can't change- and will urge me towards suicide for the entirety of my life. i can't escape suicide, i can move further away but i know it'll likely be my end.

my question is if it's selfish to continue to grow close to people, people whom i know care about me and want to be apart of my life for the rest of theirs.

i guess i ask this question because i think i will ctb soon, sometime within the next few years. my sn arrived a few weeks ago but my life has improved since then. i know it'll go downhill again.

i was told by my friend that if i ever feel urged to commit suicide, cut or hurt myself, to talk to him. he said he didn't want me to die, and that he was lonely before he met me. i should have been happy, and i was- but i was more sad that i might leave him lonely again. i felt selfish. many people choose suicide when they hit a wall, when their life causes them too much grief to keep going- but committing suicide is almost a desire of mine. it's a selfish urge i have over the state of my life- because my life is imperfect and i can't stand to live that way.

No I wouldn't say it's selfish, everyone has a need for connection, no matter in which situation or under which circumstances. Idk, mby it's delusional, but who knows, mby things could get better someday and then u will be glad u made those connections

 

[Kokonoe]

i don't think it's selfish at all.

 

[delinquentsandwich]

I've thought about the same thing a bit ago

I dont think it's selfish at all to make new connections even if you know that you are going to die
if there's a desire in you to make those connections then you should try to make your life a little better with them- even if it's only a little bit

yeah, they'll be upset in some way when they learn of your passing
this is just my input and someone else may have a better perspective but,
I'd like to think that in the time from when you could make a meaningful connection to the time of passing; you've made memories with them that they can take

if you decide not to ctb then you have those connections still there

 

[evrlastingsea]

i don't see it as selfish. every human needs human connection to go through every day. they'll feel sad and upset when you're gone, of course. but i really don't think it's that selfish to want to enjoy life a bit even before the moment you decided to go.

i'm glad that you're feeling better lately, and i hope even when it went downhill, the connection or the happiness you felt can help you go through that. love

 

[lastappleonearth]

i don't see it as selfish. every human needs human connection to go through every day. they'll feel sad and upset when you're gone, of course. but i really don't think it's that selfish to want to enjoy life a bit even before the moment you decided to go.

i'm glad that you're feeling better lately, and i hope even when it went downhill, the connection or the happiness you felt can help you go through that. love

True, I wish I still had connection, it really does make a difference

 

[aunaltravita]

I feel guilt when I speak of future projects or plans, so I get you, but I also severed almost any kind of connection I had before...leaving me only with my family and a relationship that I want but don't want to push forward at the same time.

For me it's not selfish at all, humans need connection especially irl genuine connection, but, if you know that in the near future you're gonna CTB you not deceive them and start to distance yourself or start to actually cut ties...at least this is what I would do personally, people will grieve you and you can't do nothing about it.

But, if you don't have a date set and things are improving I would keep on going and see where it goes because you never know man, maybe you'll come back here in the recovery section and tell us a different story, give yourself another chance it's always worth the shot

 

[Vivissa]

No, life keeps going...

 

[FF777]

*YEARS* from now you *MIGHT* CTB..... and think about this 4th dimensional aspect marty: what if you end up knowing people that are cool and make you want to extend your life?.. but in the timeline where you artificially keep your self from meeting new people you end up CTB early because your life isn't boosted by the cool people that you purposely kept your self away from..

now that's heavy..

 

[v0wkeeper]

it's not selfish if you want to make connections/friends before you want to ctb

 

[yotaka]

For what it's worth, I don't regret the connections I've had with friends who killed themselves. I'm glad I got to know them while they were still here.

 

[ipmanwc0]

Everyone deserves to die in the company of others

 

[Chili]

I don't think it's selfish

 

[otomedissection]

Not selfish at all. Just because you find yourself in a difficult situation doesn't mean you should deny yourself comfort in the positive things life still has to offer. It sounds like you have some very caring people in your circle who are at least aware of your situation, and I think I'd feel more heartbroken if I had a friend CTB when they feared that they didn't deserve any type of kindness or connection with others. It can feel reassuring to have CTB on the back burner, but don't let that dictate how you live in the present. Having difficult circumstances doesn't disqualify you from experiencing enjoyment and happiness too. Wishing you the very best <3.