Venting Is it possible to be too lazy to live?

[maru.]

Just to give some context:

Right now i'm in med school, you know, to be a doctor and stuff, and i feel completely dislocated from all of it.
I see classmates and friends talking about all of the subjects and stuff, that they studied and did research on, answering the teachers' questions and having medical discussions, sounding like actual doctors, like adults, while i haven't learned a thing 3 years in, and spend all of my days doing pointless garbage and procrastinating.

I don't know if anyone ever experienced this, but like, i can't fantasize about the future, i can't see myself as a 30 or 40 year old, working in this field, or any field for that matter. I can't stand the fact that i grew older, and that this is all life is.

If it wasn't for the first 2 years being simple in the university i go to, i wouldn't have made to the 3rd year at all.
I used to be an ace student in high school you know, but since i entered college, which coincided with my mental health deteriorating and me having depression, i went from being one of the best in every class, to being the absolute worst, that everyone sees as a joke.
I have a friend that goes to a different med school, and he always tells me about how easy our lives are: "Just sit down and study, it's simple.", he mentions friends of ours that were born in worse financial conditions, that have had to work from a young age: "Their lives are actually hard, not ours".
Looking at it from this perspective, fuck, what am i complaining about, right?

Still, for years i've spent all of my days doing nothing, except things that i know are easy and will give me pleasure (food, vydia, porn, internet, etc...), perhaps i've fried my dopamine receptors beyond repair, idk. What i do know is, that even tho i do nothing at all, i feel tired all of the time, and as a result i'm sure it won't be long before i have to drop out and, i honestly can't see myself living after that, my family is gonna despise me for wasting their money on education for years. And i'll have to live a mediocre life despite having every opportunity possible handed to me, despite showing so much promise at first, while everyone that used to do so much worse than me will graduate and be sucessful.

Idk, it's like, if i just put in the effot, perhaps i would be able to live normally, graduate, maybe even be happy at some point, whatever that means...

But i have no disposition to do anything, at all, read those endless pages, memorize those endless concepts, watch those endless hours of class, do those endless hours of work... Is it possible to be so lazy that you're willing to waste your entire life because of it?

Well, whatever, at least SN is a thing, i've got it all planned out, when the consequences of me being a piece of shit start catching up to me, i'll run away from responsibility like i always do. I just hope it's as painless as it sounds.

 

[dxnys]

Maybe this is Taedium vitae

 

[a.n.kirillov]

sounding like actual doctors

I feel you on that; the older I get, the more I feel like the only authentic human being left, while all the people around me turn into caricatures or puppets, only saying the things they are supposed to say, playing roles, so that sometimes I want to shake them and remind them of the old days, when we were kids and laughed about the adults who took themselves so seriously. I know this comes across as immature, but I simply can't take these people seriously or find them interesting.

Looking at it from this perspective, fuck, what am i complaining about, right?

You are complaining about total alienation, disenchantment with life, loss of meaning and the will to live—nothing to complain about? I don't think so.

Idk, it's like, if i just put in the effot, perhaps i would be able to live normally, graduate, maybe even be happy at some point, whatever that means...

Maybe, yes. Lots of people go through these phases and come out the other end. Others reorient themselves. The dilemma is that the more accurately you percieve it as the dangerous electrocuted tightrope that it is you are walking across, the less likely you will come out of the phase, so if this is a recent thing you should do the usual things: talk it out with your friends, maybe go to a counselor, push through it, etc... instead of dwelling too much on the what ifs — you can walk the tightrope better without knowing what is beneath, to expound upon my shitty metaphor.

Maybe no: maybe you aren't cut out for the cardboard figure life and will always have a more difficult path.

Is it possible to be so lazy that you're willing to waste your entire life because of it?

Absolutely it is! We are need machines—robots that need to be hungry and horny to have the necessary motivation to take risks, do boring, repetitive tasks, take a beating and continue to get up and put up a fight.

The worst thing (or the best thing if you plan on becoming a Buddhist monk) that can happen to you is to lose the hunger, and thus the reward that comes from satisfying the hunger; as you said, your reward system. As cliche as that might sound, but you need to find something to live for, whether that be existential threat pushing you ahead or a lofty goal, it doesn't matter. The problem is, you cannot will yourself into willing, you cannot choose what you want.

Sorry, I have no good answer, but realize you are not alone.

 

[maru.]

Maybe this is Taedium vitae

Is that some sort of condition? From what i've looked up it's just latin for "Tired of life". I guess it could be it, but idk, it sound so anticlimatic you know? So spoiled and petty from my behalf.

 

[itsamadworld]

I feel the same. No motivation to work or to study. I currently work part-time in the medical field, as a CNA! I don't want to live, yet I take care of elderly people. I feel this in conflict with my personal values. I plan to SN in the near future. I will quit my job soon, spend the rest of my money, and then CTB....I wish physician assisted suicide were legal in my state, and that the law wouldn't make it impossible for people to have a death with dignity! See...I should not be taking care of the elderly! Especially when a lot of them want to die anyways, because they tell me! but they cannot because of the pro-lifer's and their authoritarian laws they impose on everyone in society.....that even makes it harder to justify working in the medical field ( if you have this value system) ..

 

[Ἡγησίας]

The story of my life. "I would prefer not to".

 

[maru.]

sounding like actual doctors

I feel you on that; the older I get, the more I feel like the only authentic human being left, while all the people around me turn into caricatures or puppets, only saying the things they are supposed to say, playing roles, so that sometimes I want to shake them and remind them of the old days, when we were kids and laughed about the adults who took themselves so seriously. I know this comes across as immature, but I simply can't take these people seriously or find them interesting.

Looking at it from this perspective, fuck, what am i complaining about, right?

You are complaining about total alienation, disenchantment with life, loss of meaning and the will to live—nothing to complain about? I don't think so.

Idk, it's like, if i just put in the effot, perhaps i would be able to live normally, graduate, maybe even be happy at some point, whatever that means...

Maybe, yes. Lots of people go through these phases and come out the other end. Others reorient themselves. The dilemma is that the more accurately you percieve it as the dangerous electrocuted tightrope that it is you are walking across, the less likely you will come out of the phase, so if this is a recent thing you should do the usual things: talk it out with your friends, maybe go to a counselor, push through it, etc... instead of dwelling too much on the what ifs — you can walk the tightrope better without knowing what is beneath, to expound upon my shitty metaphor.

Maybe no: maybe you aren't cut out for the cardboard figure life and will always have a more difficult path.

Is it possible to be so lazy that you're willing to waste your entire life because of it?

Absolutely it is! We are need machines—robots that need to be hungry and horny to have the necessary motivation to take risks, do boring, repetitive tasks, take a beating and continue to get up and put up a fight.

The worst thing (or the best thing if you plan on becoming a Buddhist monk) that can happen to you is to lose the hunger, and thus the reward that comes from satisfying the hunger; as you said, your reward system. As cliche as that might sound, but you need to find something to live for, whether that be existential threat pushing you ahead or a lofty goal, it doesn't matter. The problem is, you cannot will yourself into willing, you cannot choose what you want.

Sorry, I have no good answer, but realize you are not alone.

First things first, i want to thank you for this reply, it clearly took time and had thought put into it, and i couldn't ask for anything more, i'm grateful.

Well, the thing that is screwing me over the most right now, is that i don't think i have the luxury of reavaluate things, cuz the college i go to is really expensive and my family has a hard time paying for it, they've already been perfectly clear that i need to do well and that, if i drop out, i'm not gonna be able to pick something else, i have to get a job, most likely at their store, having to see them everyday and feel all of their anger and hate (that i know they'll feel) sounds like torture, and like i said, i'll be destined for a life of mediocrity before eventually ending it all.

I don't feel anything bad towards my friends tho, i don't see them as caricatures because, when we are not in class, we get along so well, i can see that they have just as much, if not more layers and depth than me. What i'm trying to say is that, i feel so connected to them, but when college is the name of the game, that changes, they are what i should be, but i'm not. I feel like they're taking the steps i should be taking, while i'm stuck as a pathetic manchild, and that makes me miserable.

I feel like i've lost my hunger long ago, i'm so disenchanted, and i no longer have dreams.

It's so hard to put in the effort in order to have a "good" future, when you don't even want a future at all.

 

[a.n.kirillov]

So if reorienting is out of the picture—do you think you can pull yourself through somehow? Hoe many semesters do you have left?

 

[maru.]

I feel the same. No motivation to work or to study. I currently work part-time in the medical field, as a CNA! I don't want to live, yet I take care of elderly people. I feel this in conflict with my personal values. I plan to SN in the near future. I will quit my job soon, spend the rest of my money, and then CTB....I wish physician assisted suicide were legal in my state, and that the law wouldn't make it impossible for people to have a death with dignity! See...I should not be taking care of the elderly! Especially when a lot of them want to die anyways, because they tell me! but they cannot because of the pro-lifer's and their authoritarian laws they impose on everyone in society.....that even makes it harder to justify working in the medical field ( if you have this value system) ..

It must suck seeing these people being so miserable, but hey, if it helps, think about it like this: At least you understand what they feel like, you and the people you take care of are in perfect synchrony, i think that right now what you can do is give it all you got in your job, so at least, if these people can't die like they want to, they can have some joy in what time they have left. Do your best, lad.

So if reorienting is out of the picture—do you think you can pull yourself through somehow? Hoe many semesters do you have left?

I've finished 4, still have 8 long, very long, semesters to go.

And like i said, i don't know if i can pull through, being a doctor takes so much, i see classmates that do nothing but study every second of their lives and they still struggle.
The worst part is taking care of patients, i just don't know anything, i feel like a fraud, it's embarassing.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I've always thought of laziness and procrastination as symptoms, rather than the cause of something, or an actual disorder. I have issues with these as well unfortunately, and I did go to college at one point and I did well at first, but then all of that went to shit and I dropped out. In my experience, depression is the cause of both. The question then becomes: Why are you having depression?

Maybe it's a chemical imbalance in your brain that can be fixed with meds? Maybe the medical field just isn't for you and you need to find something else that you are more passionate about since staying motivated is a lot easier when you are doing something that you love. I am also wondering if you were pressured into getting into the medical field by friends or family. Since you did well before going to the university, but now you're not, it's got me wondering if you were pressured into it because of their expectations. You said your family is paying for the education, so that is why it seemed like a possibility.

Even if you were NOT pressured into it, it's still easy to see why you might have lost interest in it. These days, the medical field isn't about medicine as much as it is about making a profit for pharmaceutical corporations. As far as learning about the field, all you are being told to do is memorize things from books and come up with cookie cutter diagnoses to every medical problem (which leads to sick people being misdiagnosed and ending up on a site like SS) because you could make a lot of money from doing it. Is it possible that you are feeling disillusioned with the whole thing? Maybe if you were getting hands-on training and actually helping people to feel better so that their lives don't suck as much, you would feel more fulfillment and therefore might have more motivation to learn.

Most doctors only care about two things anyway - money and status. Curing patients is only important if it boosts their image and earns a profit and it's no big loss if they fail since they still make a profit anyway and the patients that die are someone else's problem. I imagine that people with more empathy than that go into medical school because they actually want to help people, but they probably struggle a lot more because they get a firsthand look at what is going on behind the scenes and they either lose interest and give up or push through it with the goal of wanting to help sick people. Even if they manage to push through it, they may end up being loved by their patients, but their management will end up treating them like shit once they FINALLY get past the schooling. In that case, they end up being used by the administration until they are no longer valuable and are cast aside like a piece of medical waste when keeping them employed is no longer profitable.

I wish there was something else that you could do with your life that would make you feel better, but if your family is pulling the strings, then you're not going to have much luck with that. The sad truth is, you may have to escape from them to try to find what it is that you want to do, but that would require an extra amount of work on your part and it could also end badly because of crushing debt, homelessness, or any number of terrible things. I guess it's a good thing you have SN in case things do go bad, but I really hope that you don't need to use it. I wish you the best of luck with this.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

For me personally I do not call myself lazy but rather apathetic, and ambitionless towards life because I see life as pointless. Now yes I know society calls that lazy but for me its caused by circumstances. I have no passions, interests, or goals. I can't work and wouldn't want to if I could, no hobbies...just a void due to repeated life long trauma. For me I choose to do nothing because life massively screws me over each time I try. I just call it severe apathy and anhedonia. It's too much work to do things right and try really hard in life with no reward or even a tolerable life.

 

[Never Free]

Just to give some context:

Right now i'm in med school, you know, to be a doctor and stuff, and i feel completely dislocated from all of it.
I see classmates and friends talking about all of the subjects and stuff, that they studied and did research on, answering the teachers' questions and having medical discussions, sounding like actual doctors, like adults, while i haven't learned a thing 3 years in, and spend all of my days doing pointless garbage and procrastinating.

I don't know if anyone ever experienced this, but like, i can't fantasize about the future, i can't see myself as a 30 or 40 year old, working in this field, or any field for that matter. I can't stand the fact that i grew older, and that this is all life is.

If it wasn't for the first 2 years being simple in the university i go to, i wouldn't have made to the 3rd year at all.
I used to be an ace student in high school you know, but since i entered college, which coincided with my mental health deteriorating and me having depression, i went from being one of the best in every class, to being the absolute worst, that everyone sees as a joke.
I have a friend that goes to a different med school, and he always tells me about how easy our lives are: "Just sit down and study, it's simple.", he mentions friends of ours that were born in worse financial conditions, that have had to work from a young age: "Their lives are actually hard, not ours".
Looking at it from this perspective, fuck, what am i complaining about, right?

Still, for years i've spent all of my days doing nothing, except things that i know are easy and will give me pleasure (food, vydia, porn, internet, etc...), perhaps i've fried my dopamine receptors beyond repair, idk. What i do know is, that even tho i do nothing at all, i feel tired all of the time, and as a result i'm sure it won't be long before i have to drop out and, i honestly can't see myself living after that, my family is gonna despise me for wasting their money on education for years. And i'll have to live a mediocre life despite having every opportunity possible handed to me, despite showing so much promise at first, while everyone that used to do so much worse than me will graduate and be sucessful.

Idk, it's like, if i just put in the effot, perhaps i would be able to live normally, graduate, maybe even be happy at some point, whatever that means...

But i have no disposition to do anything, at all, read those endless pages, memorize those endless concepts, watch those endless hours of class, do those endless hours of work... Is it possible to be so lazy that you're willing to waste your entire life because of it?

Well, whatever, at least SN is a thing, i've got it all planned out, when the consequences of me being a piece of shit start catching up to me, i'll run away from responsibility like i always do. I just hope it's as painless as it sounds.

For me typically it's a fear of ending up in psych. Though I feel drained to anything aside from suicide so it can effectively have the same effects. Think it's somewhat common. Drug companies like to twist this and say the suicide is a result of the physical aspect of depression being cured. Really it's just a way to brush under the rug that the drug often worsens things. There's a lot of reasons for that and I don't think relief from depression is up there. Serotonin Syndrome, lack of inhibition, and psychosis seems to cause them.

 

[itsamadworld]

Maybe for people that are more suicidal, it actually be a win-win for both patient and physicians alike, if physician assisted suicide were legal. I would definitely want to be part of that program as a CNA or I might even be motivated to climb higher, as I am fairly intelligent. But obviously PAS it's against the law, and I wouldn't assist somebody cuz I don't want to go to prison..So as for me, I can try the best I can, but I'm still gonna quit it- and forget it, my current job as a CNA for the elderly. I don't even want to be associated with modern healthcare anymore unless they allow Physician Asst. Suicide. Let them find another slave to do their work, because as it stands, forcing people to stay alive without giving them at least the option to die: This goes against my conscious.

 

[Never Free]

I feel the same. No motivation to work or to study. I currently work part-time in the medical field, as a CNA! I don't want to live, yet I take care of elderly people. I feel this in conflict with my personal values. I plan to SN in the near future. I will quit my job soon, spend the rest of my money, and then CTB....I wish physician assisted suicide were legal in my state, and that the law wouldn't make it impossible for people to have a death with dignity! See...I should not be taking care of the elderly! Especially when a lot of them want to die anyways, because they tell me! but they cannot because of the pro-lifer's and their authoritarian laws they impose on everyone in society.....that even makes it harder to justify working in the medical field ( if you have this value system) ..

I resonate with this a lot

 

[Lost in a Dream]

Maybe for people that are more suicidal, it actually be a win-win for both patient and physicians alike, if physician assisted suicide were legal. I would definitely want to be part of that program. But obviously it's against the law...

Well of course it's against the law... Who is going to pay taxes to the gubment if all of the miserable people die? How are the politicians supposed to afford their mansions and expensive cars if they stop getting our money?

 

[maru.]

I've always thought of laziness and procrastination as symptoms, rather than the cause of something, or an actual disorder. I have issues with these as well unfortunately, and I did go to college at one point and I did well at first, but then all of that went to shit and I dropped out. In my experience, depression is the cause of both. The question then becomes: Why are you having depression?

Maybe it's a chemical imbalance in your brain that can be fixed with meds? Maybe the medical field just isn't for you and you need to find something else that you are more passionate about since staying motivated is a lot easier when you are doing something that you love. I am also wondering if you were pressured into getting into the medical field by friends or family. Since you did well before going to the university, but now you're not, it's got me wondering if you were pressured into it because of their expectations. You said your family is paying for the education, so that is why it seemed like a possibility.

Even if you were NOT pressured into it, it's still easy to see why you might have lost interest in it. These days, the medical field isn't about medicine as much as it is about making a profit for pharmaceutical corporations. As far as learning about the field, all you are being told to do is memorize things from books and come up with cookie cutter diagnoses to every medical problem (which leads to sick people being misdiagnosed and ending up on a site like SS) because you could make a lot of money from doing it. Is it possible that you are feeling disillusioned with the whole thing? Maybe if you were getting hands-on training and actually helping people to feel better so that their lives don't suck as much, you would feel more fulfillment and therefore might have more motivation to learn.

Most doctors only care about two things anyway - money and status. Curing patients is only important if it boosts their image and earns a profit and it's no big loss if they fail since they still make a profit anyway and the patients that die are someone else's problem. I imagine that people with more empathy than that go into medical school because they actually want to help people, but they probably struggle a lot more because they get a firsthand look at what is going on behind the scenes and they either lose interest and give up or push through it with the goal of wanting to help sick people. Even if they manage to push through it, they may end up being loved by their patients, but their management will end up treating them like shit once they FINALLY get past the schooling. In that case, they end up being used by the administration until they are no longer valuable and are cast aside like a piece of medical waste when keeping them employed is no longer profitable.

I wish there was something else that you could do with your life that would make you feel better, but if your family is pulling the strings, then you're not going to have much luck with that. The sad truth is, you may have to escape from them to try to find what it is that you want to do, but that would require an extra amount of work on your part and it could also end badly because of crushing debt, homelessness, or any number of terrible things. I guess it's a good thing you have SN in case things do go bad, but I really hope that you don't need to use it. I wish you the best of luck with this.

To start off, thank you so much for such an in depth response.

Well, tbh i don't have a problem with the medical field, yeah, it's all about money, but that's the truth for most careers and people tbh, and i don't blame them, i can't help but feel that it's just human nature unfortunately.

I actually found some enjoyment sometimes, i like people, i like talking and interacting with them, so when i can do that, i like it. I just hate all of the rest, all of the huge books, the biology, the chemistry, the whole "spending every hour of your life studying" part of it, it's miserable and like i said, i have no energy to even open a damn book, let alone reading it and studying it in depth. I hate how life is all about careers and work, at least in my eyes, seeing all of my teachers and stuff, they're always stressed out and have no time for anything besides being doctors, never themselves.

My family didn't really pressure me, i think the problem is that, i did well in high school because i enjoyed it, it was carefree as hell and i felt like a kid, i could be a kid. Suddently the real world catches up and i have to choose a career, and when that time came and i started looking into things, i hated all of it, every single on of them, i think it's because my problem was more "deep", i hated the very idea of work, adulthood, etc.

I did med school because, well, since i hated everything, i might aswell do that which will give me the most positive feedback at home, so i can get that sweet dopamine, so yeah, my parents had something to do with it, but it wasn't pressure, it was all me, my desire for their positive attention.

Sadly i don't have SN, it's just the method i chose, and it seems easy enought to get, hopefully.

 

[Final Escape]

Sounds like u are not in the right career for one thing. What else is going on in your life that might be making u uninspired and unmotivated? Besides this lockdown of course. Becoming a doctor these days is probably not much fun because all they want to teach u is allopathic medicine not a holistic way of treating people. Also I think it's heavily regulated so it's less satisfying to be a doctor now vs like 50 years ago when doctors had more control over the way they worked and patient load. They could really take the time with people and it was focused more on cure and prevention. Not so much these days. Not saying they don't treat any disease or broken bones etc, but there's a lot of less invasive or better ways to treat stuff but the gov won't allow those treatments because of their private agendas or because there's no money in cure, or because of agenda 2030 formerly called agenda 21 to depopulate us. Yea the schooling is probably partly why u are unmotivated. It's probably a lot of bullshit that u will never use. To become a doctor now u mostly need to comply, conform, obey lol! Not about actually having the aptitude to think critically, be an excellent problem solver, with empathy and good bed side manner.

 

[Never Free]

Well of course it's against the law... Who is going to pay taxes to the gubment if all of the miserable people die? How are the politicians supposed to afford their mansions and expensive cars if they stop getting our money?

They'd rather spend their money to have me locked up, despite it being free to just let me die

 

[braketimez]

Laziness is a myth.

If you do some research, you can find info about that.

That being said, it sounds like you are simply stricken with fatigue and/or depression. I'm in the same boat...

Not too lazy to deal with life, but too mentally sick to cope with the stress that comes with it.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

Well, tbh i don't have a problem with the medical field, yeah, it's all about money, but that's the truth for most careers and people tbh, and i don't blame them, i can't help but feel that it's just human nature unfortunately.

I suppose this is why I don't like people all that much in general. Being dishonest and greedy seems to be innate to humans and the people who are the exception to the rule are the ones that get taken advantage of and trampled on. That has been my experience, unfortunately.

I actually found some enjoyment sometimes, i like people, i like talking and interacting with them, so when i can do that, i like it. I just hate all of the rest, all of the huge books, the biology, the chemistry, the whole "spending every hour of your life studying" part of it, it's miserable and like i said, i have no energy to even open a damn book, let alone reading it and studying it in depth. I hate how life is all about careers and work, at least in my eyes, seeing all of my teachers and stuff, they're always stressed out and have no time for anything besides being doctors, never themselves.

Perhaps seeing how stressed out the teachers are is what killed it for you. Perhaps you thought "I don't want to end up like that!" but then you opened up one of the books and thought, "But I'm turning into them already. Shit..." Stress is deadly, but it kills you slowly and causes numerous health problems as side effects, but those things may or may not be what finishes you off (they may not be if the SN does it first). I agree with you that life shouldn't be all about careers and work, but for the majority of people, work is the only thing keeping them alive and when you get tired of working hard every day, what's left? When you think about it that way, it totally makes sense for you to lose interest in everything.

My family didn't really pressure me, i think the problem is that, i did well in high school because i enjoyed it, it was carefree as hell and i felt like a kid, i could be a kid. Suddently the real world catches up and i have to choose a career, and when that time came and i started looking into things, i hated all of it, every single on of them, i think it's because my problem was more "deep", i hated the very idea of work, adulthood, etc.

Damn, you described what high school was like for me! Sometimes I hated school, but it had it's good moments. I think more than anything, I was irritated by some of the teachers and I hated most of my classmates, but at least when I was not at school, I could have fun without worrying about a bunch of meaningless shit. I also dreaded adulthood, but it eventually found me. Now I'm trying to find the most stress-free and peaceful life I can, which means having a job that doesn't suck and living in a place that is affordable without having roommates around to drive me crazy. Even if that sort of thing is temporary, it is still the goal that I have, but my plan includes having a rope stashed away just in case my stress-free life comes crashing down on me, so that I can get to the exit.

I did med school because, well, since i hated everything, i might aswell do that which will give me the most positive feedback at home, so i can get that sweet dopamine, so yeah, my parents had something to do with it, but it wasn't pressure, it was all me, my desire for their positive attention.

Sadly i don't have SN, it's just the method i chose, and it seems easy enought to get, hopefully.

It still sounds like your reasons for getting into med school were bad reasons. I totally understand why you made the decision, but doing something because "they won't hate me if I do this" is only going to make you miserable (which is what happened). It would be nice if you could do something because "I love it!" because then you would get a bigger dose of dopamine from it and you could keep getting your fix.

Regardless of this, the kind of life that all of us end up with is influenced by circumstances that are outside of our control for the most part, but a lot of the time, those circumstances suck. I still wish that you didn't have to CTB to be at peace, but if it is the only way, then I hope you can get your SN. I will say that it might be wise to consider other methods as well because every suicide method is just as unique as the person using it. How SN affects one person could be different from how it affects you. For some it can be peaceful, but for others not. It also depends on whether or not you can get the antiemetics (these are more challenging to acquire, from what I have heard) or whether you even need them to use SN. Whatever happens, I hope you find the peace you need. Good luck.

 

[itsamadworld]

Well of course it's against the law... Who is going to pay taxes to the gubment if all of the miserable people die? How are the politicians supposed to afford their mansions and expensive cars if they stop getting our money?

I know it. It's all for da $$.. tormenting and humiliating for some of the patients I care for....loosing their dignity...Then it forces the worker to put up with some unhappy people... noone wins under the pro-lifer's/ political authoritarian regimen, accept for the pro-lifers collecting the coins...

 

[maru.]

Sounds like u are not in the right career for one thing. What else is going on in your life that might be making u uninspired and unmotivated? Besides this lockdown of course. Becoming a doctor these days is probably not much fun because all they want to teach u is allopathic medicine not a holistic way of treating people. Also I think it's heavily regulated so it's less satisfying to be a doctor now vs like 50 years ago when doctors had more control over the way they worked and patient load. They could really take the time with people and it was focused more on cure and prevention. Not so much these days. Not saying they don't treat any disease or broken bones etc, but there's a lot of less invasive or better ways to treat stuff but the gov won't allow those treatments because of their private agendas or because there's no money in cure, or because of agenda 2030 formerly called agenda 21 to depopulate us. Yea the schooling is probably partly why u are unmotivated. It's probably a lot of bullshit that u will never use. To become a doctor now u mostly need to comply, conform, obey lol! Not about actually having the aptitude to think critically, be an excellent problem solver, with empathy and good bed side manner.

Tbh my problem isn't with the field, i don't even think about the corruption, the agendas, etc, and i actually enjoy parts of it, i'm okay with the schooling and i like my teachers, it's that i just, well, idk...
And i don't really think i'm not in the right career, because like i've said previously, i don't really see any career as being right for me.
What might be making me uninspired or unmotivated? idk tbh, i just feel so tired, but i have to put in the work or else i'll suffer, but i don't because i feel tired, then i feel guilty, and then miserable because i know i'll suffer later, idk.

Jeez, does anyone else ever get the feeling that there's nothing actually wrong with their lives, but they feel like garbage anyways?

 

[Never Free]

To start off, thank you so much for such an in depth response.

Well, tbh i don't have a problem with the medical field, yeah, it's all about money, but that's the truth for most careers and people tbh, and i don't blame them, i can't help but feel that it's just human nature unfortunately.

I actually found some enjoyment sometimes, i like people, i like talking and interacting with them, so when i can do that, i like it. I just hate all of the rest, all of the huge books, the biology, the chemistry, the whole "spending every hour of your life studying" part of it, it's miserable and like i said, i have no energy to even open a damn book, let alone reading it and studying it in depth. I hate how life is all about careers and work, at least in my eyes, seeing all of my teachers and stuff, they're always stressed out and have no time for anything besides being doctors, never themselves.

My family didn't really pressure me, i think the problem is that, i did well in high school because i enjoyed it, it was carefree as hell and i felt like a kid, i could be a kid. Suddently the real world catches up and i have to choose a career, and when that time came and i started looking into things, i hated all of it, every single on of them, i think it's because my problem was more "deep", i hated the very idea of work, adulthood, etc.

I did med school because, well, since i hated everything, i might aswell do that which will give me the most positive feedback at home, so i can get that sweet dopamine, so yeah, my parents had something to do with it, but it wasn't pressure, it was all me, my desire for their positive attention.

Sadly i don't have SN, it's just the method i chose, and it seems easy enought to get, hopefully.

Things can be going great. I'll start off super motivated. Something will get me down, and I'll be so afraid of things not working out. I'll lose motivation, because death just seems more appealing. It seems more certain. I'll have too much stress over setbacks. It feels a lot like going towards something vs escapism in many ways. I struggled a lot in school. Although even though now I found stuff I'm good at, and can be motivated. It just always ends up being less appealing than death. Don't know if part of it was I felt it since I was transitioning out of being toddler am pretty sure. Maybe it's just very engrained in me. I'll be satisfied with what I'm doing, making progress, but very quickly it'll be back to wanting death, and nothing else.

 

[maru.]

I suppose this is why I don't like people all that much in general. Being dishonest and greedy seems to be innate to humans and the people who are the exception to the rule are the ones that get taken advantage of and trampled on. That has been my experience, unfortunately.



Perhaps seeing how stressed out the teachers are is what killed it for you. Perhaps you thought "I don't want to end up like that!" but then you opened up one of the books and thought, "But I'm turning into them already. Shit..." Stress is deadly, but it kills you slowly and causes numerous health problems as side effects, but those things may or may not be what finishes you off (they may not be if the SN does it first). I agree with you that life shouldn't be all about careers and work, but for the majority of people, work is the only thing keeping them alive and when you get tired of working hard every day, what's left? When you think about it that way, it totally makes sense for you to lose interest in everything.



Damn, you described what high school was like for me! Sometimes I hated school, but it had it's good moments. I think more than anything, I was irritated by some of the teachers and I hated most of my classmates, but at least when I was not at school, I could have fun without worrying about a bunch of meaningless shit. I also dreaded adulthood, but it eventually found me. Now I'm trying to find the most stress-free and peaceful life I can, which means having a job that doesn't suck and living in a place that is affordable without having roommates around to drive me crazy. Even if that sort of thing is temporary, it is still the goal that I have, but my plan includes having a rope stashed away just in case my stress-free life comes crashing down on me, so that I can get to the exit.



It still sounds like your reasons for getting into med school were bad reasons. I totally understand why you made the decision, but doing something because "they won't hate me if I do this" is only going to make you miserable (which is what happened). It would be nice if you could do something because "I love it!" because then you would get a bigger dose of dopamine from it and you could keep getting your fix.

Regardless of this, the kind of life that all of us end up with is influenced by circumstances that are outside of our control for the most part, but a lot of the time, those circumstances suck. I still wish that you didn't have to CTB to be at peace, but if it is the only way, then I hope you can get your SN. I will say that it might be wise to consider other methods as well because every suicide method is just as unique as the person using it. How SN affects one person could be different from how it affects you. For some it can be peaceful, but for others not. It also depends on whether or not you can get the antiemetics (these are more challenging to acquire, from what I have heard) or whether you even need them to use SN. Whatever happens, I hope you find the peace you need. Good luck.

Thank you so much for all of the replies, i appreciate it with all of my heart.

I too hope i can find a way around all of this, without having to use SN or anything like that.

I also hope you can accomplish your goal of a stress-free and peaceful life, best of luck!

because death just seems more appealing

I know right, it just seems so much more simple and easier, not saying that suicide is easy, but being dead sounds comfortable, it's scary tbh.

 

[itsamadworld]

Tbh my problem isn't with the field, i don't even think about the corruption, the agendas, etc, and i actually enjoy parts of it, i'm okay with the schooling and i like my teachers, it's that i just, well, idk...
And i don't really think i'm not in the right career, because like i've said previously, i don't really see any career as being right for me.
What might be making me uninspired or unmotivated? idk tbh, i just feel so tired, but i have to put in the work or else i'll suffer, but i don't because i feel tired, then i feel guilty, and then miserable because i know i'll suffer later, idk.

Jeez, does anyone else ever get the feeling that there's nothing actually wrong with their lives, but they feel like garbage anyways?

Yes. Nothing is wrong with my life. Even as a CNA, ( even despite my values, my job is tolerable condions-wise) but I feel like garbage. Even with a job! I think it's difficult for people to be content. Humans always have this need that this world can not satiate. Probably why were're such an aggressive, competitive, and selfish species ...I don't think the human species will ever evolve out of this..lol evolution is a very slow process....

 

[Never Free]

Tbh my problem isn't with the field, i don't even think about the corruption, the agendas, etc, and i actually enjoy parts of it, i'm okay with the schooling and i like my teachers, it's that i just, well, idk...
And i don't really think i'm not in the right career, because like i've said previously, i don't really see any career as being right for me.
What might be making me uninspired or unmotivated? idk tbh, i just feel so tired, but i have to put in the work or else i'll suffer, but i don't because i feel tired, then i feel guilty, and then miserable because i know i'll suffer later, idk.

Jeez, does anyone else ever get the feeling that there's nothing actually wrong with their lives, but they feel like garbage anyways?

Have you looked into Enneagram? For me it tends to be the reverse. I can get inspired. Though death for me, just always felt like a safety net, and security blanket. You sound like you may be an Enneagram 3. Though IDK for sure so would read up on them. They tend to be very achievement focused and get a lot of self worth from it. Am a 6 myself in it, and it explained a lot

 

[maru.]

Have you looked into Enneagram? For me it tends to be the reverse. I can get inspired. Though death for me, just always felt like a safety net, and security blanket. You sound like you may be an Enneagram 3. Though IDK for sure so would read up on them. They tend to be very achievement focused and get a lot of self worth from it. Am a 6 myself in it, and it explained a lot

I've never heard of it before actually, i'll take a look into it, thanks :D

 

[Lost in a Dream]

They'd rather spend their money to have me locked up, despite it being free to just let me die

 

[Final Escape]

You say you're tired a lot. Do u think could be diet possibly? Many of us don't eat the best because it's easier to eat shitty food lol! The other thing, have u had thyroid checked? Many guys have low testosterone because of crap they put in food, surely the flouride in water does not help. I remember feeling in a fog a lot in my 20's and the medical establishment just prescribed me legal meth to deal lol! But yea it's not normal to feel the way u do that lack of drive. Flouride in our water actually has serious health consequences especially as we age but most people don't really realise it. Same stuff they add to the tooth paste that's bad too. Have u had any vaccines lately? Gotta look at everything in your environment that might be causing this fatigue and lack of motivation.

 

[itsamadworld]

You say you're tired a lot. Do u think could be diet possibly? Many of us don't eat the best because it's easier to eat shitty food lol! The other thing, have u had thyroid checked? Many guys have low testosterone because of crap they put in food, surely the flouride in water does not help. I remember feeling in a fog a lot in my 20's and the medical establishment just prescribed me legal meth to deal lol! But yea it's not normal to feel the way u do that lack of drive. Flouride in our water actually has serious health consequences especially as we age but most people don't really realise it. Same stuff they add to the tooth paste that's bad too. Have u had any vaccines lately? Gotta look at everything in your environment that might be causing this fatigue and lack of motivation.

I know this message isn't directed at me, and in respect, I ask. But did you personally have a medication you take, or a solution to this fatigue? Because I hear a lot of people mention this kind of thing....