Help Is it possible that I might have PTSD?

[captainhook]

TW: There's mentions of blood, self harm, stitches and more stuff related to some gore-y events

So I've been noticing an issue lately, but right now it's getting super bad and I don't know what to do. In one of my recent posts, I believe my first one even, I had briefly mentioned having been stabbed 3 times. At the time of that stabbing I had been going through a lot, initially I just wanted to cut a little due to self harm frustrations/desires, I had been going through a lot that night and was getting threatened to be sent away. While cutting I just.. got so mad I just wanted to die instead of dealing with what was going on... I ended up just stabbing myself over and over before my mom grabbed me and stopped me from going further. When she pulled me away all I could do was stare inside my leg. I felt nothing, no pain just the shock from having buried a full knife in my leg so many times must've taken over. I felt hollow and couldn't focus on anything. I ended up getting 12 points/stitches later on. (this will all come in handy to know in a minute sorry for the long story) Regardless, I still remember when my brother saw the sight of my leg and practically almost puked before running away, that's what had made me realized what was going on, that I was alive and that I was currently bleeding out, not doing anything to stop it or help. Luckily my mom has dealt with medical situations all her life, and her wraps managed to keep me more together until help was possible. The whole night feels like a blur but too much at the same time.

It's been 2 or 3 months from then... I'm scared... I mean it didn't mean anything to me, but now when I want to self harm, I shake in fear of getting into that state again. Sometimes when I lay at night I notice my polka dotted bedsheets and I think about how I had stained them at the time.. and then my brain wanders back to how it felt to look inside my leg. I still think about my bed's leg covered in blood, my carpet getting stained... things like that. I feel my stomach drop the same way it did when I first originally looked inside my leg. I was so... pink on the inside?... I felt like meat in a trash bag, the way the knife slid in so easily terrified me, makes me hunch in fear whenever I think about it. I can sometimes still imagine the feeling of the knife breaking through my skin into my muscle and that's when I start to panic.

Right now I'm not doing well mentally.. I wanted to self harm for the first time since then and now my chest hurts and it hurts to stay still I keep having to do something different every 3 minutes. It's hard to breathe when I suddenly remember the feelings I went through, and luckily right now I'm not curling up in a ball and crying like the other panic attacks I've had, but I do feel worse than ever. I feel extremely out of my body, sort of the same way when I got stabbed. I feel extremely.. not human. I've had feelings like this before, and it has ended with me wanting to bash my body into things. I start to fantasize ramming my arm into marble tables until I can pop it out of it's socket or ramming my head at a drawer knob in the hopes of the nob going into my eye socket.

I know I've written a lot, I'm super sorry but grateful for all those who have read.. I feel a little stupid having read what I just wrote, it sounds like a stupid thing to complain about when it's self inflicted. Even when I got my stitches, my doctor complained that if I could handle stabbing myself, I shouldn't be a baby and just handle getting stitches without anesthetic (Somehow that experience was worse, the stitches felt cold and all the dried blood that had help was long gone, I kept bleeding the more he went on, and it felt horrible). All of this is dumb, I'm afraid of my own actions. I don't know how to deal with what I've been through. How can someone be afraid of what they caused they themselves?.. Again thank you all for reading.. I'm super sorry for rambling so much... Point of this whole thing is, do you guys think I might have PTSD? Is that even possible when everything was self inflicted? Is this subject maybe unfit under the category of PTSD but more about needing more time to recover?... Let me know what you guys think, also sorry if the story is out of place and rushed in some parts, a lot more happened but I can't ramble on forever.

Take care to all!

 

[soonatpeace777888]

IMO, If you think you might have PTSD, you probably do. Im no psychiatrist though.

 

[HighFlight]

I'm not a doctor either, but agree with @soonatpeace777888. This sounds like some of the symptoms of PTSD.

 

[guayabas]

I think it's possible you have ptsd, and you may have even been in a dissociative episode while you were stabbing yourself, which is a symptom of ptsd, as well as other mental illnesses. what i'm saying is, you may have already had ptsd from something else before you stabbed yourself. either way it sounds like you suffer from a lot of intrusive thoughts about self harm which is something I've experienced off and on. Sometimes it's just stress or ptsd, the worst though was when I was on birth control. So just thought I'd throw that out there if you're on any hormones, they can have a huge effect on mental health. I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time, and also I hate that doctor and hope he stubs his toe every day for the rest of his life

 

[olearius]

First of all, you have nothing to apologize for. You're allowed to take up space on this forum, just like the rest of us do, to discuss your experiences and challenges.

In my knowledgeable but unprofessional opinion, it sounds like you have PTSD and some other stuff going on too (though I couldn't say what specifically).

It is not dumb to have flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, fear and hypervigilance because of something self-inflicted. Think about it like this - many sick people have to give themselves painful injections over long periods of time and develop PTSD. Someone could argue multiple stab wounds is objectively more traumatic than injections, but I won't because it's not productive. The point is a stab wound or many stab wounds, self-inflicted or not, can be traumatizing. People can even develop PTSD from surgery.

You are not complaining and you didn't do this to yourself. Yes, you literally stabbed yourself, but you already said that wasn't your initial intent - so it seems like there is more going on here. You are sick and need help and that's okay. We don't choose to be mentally ill or to be sick.

Your response to your situation is valid and it's real and worthy of attention.

This is the PTSD short scale test here for an adult (18+): Severity of Posttraumatic Stress Symptoms—Adult https://www.psychiatry.org/File Library/Psychiatrists/Practice/DSM/APA_DSM5_Severity-of-Posttraumatic-Stress-Symptoms-Adult.pdf

If you're not 18, you can take the 11yr-17yr old one here: Severity of Posttraumatic Stress Symptoms, Child Age 11 to 17 (National https://www.psychiatry.org/File Library/Psychiatrists/Practice/DSM/APA_DSM5_Severity-of-Post-Traumatic-Stress-Symptoms-Child-Age-11-to-17.pdf

Scroll to the middle page and answer the questions. Don't overthink. Don't qualify your answers ("well it's not that bad because I can do X and it makes it better"). Just go with the answer that first comes to mind. The last page has limited information about the severity of your symptoms. If you score high, I would gently urge you to seek help from a professional. Even if you don't score high, it really sounds like you need some support right now and you deserve that, so I still gently urge you to seek some help. Your mom. A trusted friend. A trusted adult. Your family doctor. Just someone you trust.

Also fuck that doctor. I'm disgusted as a healthcare worker that he said that to you. And I hope you actually got anesthetic because that's fucking inhumane otherwise.

Edit: sorry for the long ass reply. I don't know how to write my info dumping posts short I guess

 

[captainhook]

First of all, you have nothing to apologize for. You're allowed to take up space on this forum, just like the rest of us do, to discuss your experiences and challenges.

In my knowledgeable but unprofessional opinion, it sounds like you have PTSD and some other stuff going on too (though I couldn't say what specifically).

It is not dumb to have flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, fear and hypervigilance because of something self-inflicted. Think about it like this - many sick people have to give themselves painful injections over long periods of time and develop PTSD. Someone could argue multiple stab wounds is objectively more traumatic than injections, but I won't because it's not productive. The point is a stab wound or many stab wounds, self-inflicted or not, can be traumatizing. People can even develop PTSD from surgery.

You are not complaining and you didn't do this to yourself. Yes, you literally stabbed yourself, but you already said that wasn't your initial intent - so it seems like there is more going on here. You are sick and need help and that's okay. We don't choose to be mentally ill or to be sick.

Your response to your situation is valid and it's real and worthy of attention.

This is the PTSD short scale test here for an adult (18+): Severity of Posttraumatic Stress Symptoms—Adult https://www.psychiatry.org/File Library/Psychiatrists/Practice/DSM/APA_DSM5_Severity-of-Posttraumatic-Stress-Symptoms-Adult.pdf

If you're not 18, you can take the 11yr-17yr old one here: Severity of Posttraumatic Stress Symptoms, Child Age 11 to 17 (National https://www.psychiatry.org/File Library/Psychiatrists/Practice/DSM/APA_DSM5_Severity-of-Post-Traumatic-Stress-Symptoms-Child-Age-11-to-17.pdf

Scroll to the middle page and answer the questions. Don't overthink. Don't qualify your answers ("well it's not that bad because I can do X and it makes it better"). Just go with the answer that first comes to mind. The last page has limited information about the severity of your symptoms. If you score high, I would gently urge you to seek help from a professional. Even if you don't score high, it really sounds like you need some support right now and you deserve that, so I still gently urge you to seek some help. Your mom. A trusted friend. A trusted adult. Your family doctor. Just someone you trust.

Also fuck that doctor. I'm disgusted as a healthcare worker that he said that to you. And I hope you actually got anesthetic because that's fucking inhumane otherwise.

Edit: sorry for the long ass reply. I don't know how to write my info dumping posts short I guess

The reason why the doctor is so mean to me, he's known me since birth. He's been my family doctor all my life and he personally when he hears that I'm depressed he gets mad and says I have it good and that I shouldn't be complaining. I know I have it good personally and my depression is really stupid when I have a loving family but I've been this way since I was a little kid. Might be because of some things I faced as a kid involving sex trafficking and deportation, regardless.. I still have never been happy my whole life. I would love to get support medically in regards to this stuff, I took a PTSD test in the past around 3 or 4 years ago and I got 49/50 on the questions which was disturbing but I just can't tell anyone. I can imagine with all the new things I've been through it would only add on to what won't stop following me in life.

I've asked my family doctor for help but in this country getting help is practically impossible, it's like all therapists and psychologists are sort of... worn down. Always fully booked, can't take emergency cases. They also aren't very sympathetic and sort of respond the same way my family doctor does, which ends up making me feel even worse as someone who has an inferiority complex and doesn't think they deserve the life they have.

Thank you so much for your response, it really means a lot to actually hear someone express their thoughts. We need more people like you in healthcare. I haven't heard someone be so open to hearing my experiences before, and your words.. you really do have a big heart and I hope you know that your response made a serious effect on someone's life today.

I think it's possible you have ptsd, and you may have even been in a dissociative episode while you were stabbing yourself, which is a symptom of ptsd, as well as other mental illnesses. what i'm saying is, you may have already had ptsd from something else before you stabbed yourself. either way it sounds like you suffer from a lot of intrusive thoughts about self harm which is something I've experienced off and on. Sometimes it's just stress or ptsd, the worst though was when I was on birth control. So just thought I'd throw that out there if you're on any hormones, they can have a huge effect on mental health. I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time, and also I hate that doctor and hope he stubs his toe every day for the rest of his life

Your post just reminded me, I am currently being forced on anti depressants that make me feel so much worse but no one will believe me. I feel so much more unstable and unhappy, since as byproduct I've noticed is that I end up sleeping in bed all day, usually for 16 hours a day. I'm not on any hormones but those pills do affect me since I don't eat enough to support them. Staying in bed all day and waking up only to last 4 hours just makes me feel worse and worse. I think I'll fake taking them since no one listens to me, they usually tell me to eat more but I just can't I don't like food and so I can only handle eating once every 1 or 2 days.

I think I might have PTSD from some other stuff as you mentioned. I took a test a couple years back, like 3 or 4 as I mentioned in another reply to someone's comment earlier. I got 49/50 but I absolutely cannot get help in regards to medical stuff. I think knowing how my episodes can occur, whether they're PTSD or not, I'll have to manage them on my own from here on out...

Thank you for your reply by the way, I think I'm going to avoid those antidepressants so I can live more normally, I tried once in the past for a week or two and I felt so much happier I remember I'd wake up and say "holy fuck the day is so pretty outside what a nice day it is!" I was so productive and happy but got forced on them again when I lost someone recently. They really mess with my emotions and only make me feel like puking and sadder somehow.. probably from the tummy aches.

Anyways, hearing your experiences/similarities make me feel a lot more human, sometimes I get so worried it's just me who struggles. Every reply on here has really meant a lot to me, I hope things get better for you as time passes, hopefully any SH in your life ends up more "off" than "on" if anything. Also to the comment about the doctor, I hate him too sometimes but I think he's just like that because he's so tired of having to deal with my depression, which I don't blame him for. I know considering he's a doctor he probably fought a lot to get to where he is, and seeing someone like me who is still young and not going anywhere yet.. well I see why he thinks I have it good. It's no wonder he thinks me being depressed is stupid. But who knows? Anways, take care ♥ the reply really did mean a lot to me and I can't thank you and everyone else here enough.

 

[guayabas]

The reason why the doctor is so mean to me, he's known me since birth. He's been my family doctor all my life and he personally when he hears that I'm depressed he gets mad and says I have it good and that I shouldn't be complaining. I know I have it good personally and my depression is really stupid when I have a loving family but I've been this way since I was a little kid. Might be because of some things I faced as a kid involving sex trafficking and deportation, regardless.. I still have never been happy my whole life. I would love to get support medically in regards to this stuff, I took a PTSD test in the past around 3 or 4 years ago and I got 49/50 on the questions which was disturbing but I just can't tell anyone. I can imagine with all the new things I've been through it would only add on to what won't stop following me in life.

I've asked my family doctor for help but in this country getting help is practically impossible, it's like all therapists and psychologists are sort of... worn down. Always fully booked, can't take emergency cases. They also aren't very sympathetic and sort of respond the same way my family doctor does, which ends up making me feel even worse as someone who has an inferiority complex and doesn't think they deserve the life they have.

Thank you so much for your response, it really means a lot to actually hear someone express their thoughts. We need more people like you in healthcare. I haven't heard someone be so open to hearing my experiences before, and your words.. you really do have a big heart and I hope you know that your response made a serious effect on someone's life today.

Your post just reminded me, I am currently being forced on anti depressants that make me feel so much worse but no one will believe me. I feel so much more unstable and unhappy, since as byproduct I've noticed is that I end up sleeping in bed all day, usually for 16 hours a day. I'm not on any hormones but those pills do affect me since I don't eat enough to support them. Staying in bed all day and waking up only to last 4 hours just makes me feel worse and worse. I think I'll fake taking them since no one listens to me, they usually tell me to eat more but I just can't I don't like food and so I can only handle eating once every 1 or 2 days.

I think I might have PTSD from some other stuff as you mentioned. I took a test a couple years back, like 3 or 4 as I mentioned in another reply to someone's comment earlier. I got 49/50 but I absolutely cannot get help in regards to medical stuff. I think knowing how my episodes can occur, whether they're PTSD or not, I'll have to manage them on my own from here on out...

Thank you for your reply by the way, I think I'm going to avoid those antidepressants so I can live more normally, I tried once in the past for a week or two and I felt so much happier I remember I'd wake up and say "holy fuck the day is so pretty outside what a nice day it is!" I was so productive and happy but got forced on them again when I lost someone recently. They really mess with my emotions and only make me feel like puking and sadder somehow.. probably from the tummy aches.

Anyways, hearing your experiences/similarities make me feel a lot more human, sometimes I get so worried it's just me who struggles. Every reply on here has really meant a lot to me, I hope things get better for you as time passes, hopefully any SH in your life ends up more "off" than "on" if anything. Also to the comment about the doctor, I hate him too sometimes but I think he's just like that because he's so tired of having to deal with my depression, which I don't blame him for. I know considering he's a doctor he probably fought a lot to get to where he is, and seeing someone like me who is still young and not going anywhere yet.. well I see why he thinks I have it good. It's no wonder he thinks me being depressed is stupid. But who knows? Anways, take care ♥ the reply really did mean a lot to me and I can't thank you and everyone else here enough.

I've had some bad reactions to antidepressants as well. I eventually found some that didn't give me any side effects and they help a ton. (I'm just on this site now bc there's certain things in my life that I can't change and even when I'm not depressed I know I would never want to live under those conditions permanently.) I'm sorry no one will believe you about the meds, that's messed up. But no one should act like your depression is harder on them than it is on you, especially someone whose job is to help. And doctors shouldn't assume ppl haven't experienced trauma. It's kind of you to try to see it from the doctors pov, but just know, you deserve to be treated better.