There's the OkCupid study that shows 80% of men are physically unattractive to women. But I've also seen too many average and below average guys getting into one relationship after another, sometimes they even have girls who make the first move.
My theory is that appearance matters for men more than women, but there are too few attractive men so they have a minimal effect on the (offline) dating experiences of most men. However those who are attractive get a huge advantage, as you can see from the reactions of girls when they see an attractive guy.
I wonder if the average guy can be loved the same way as an attractive guy is. In other words, are average guys limited to a "lite" version of love that is inferior to the love that an attractive guy receives? The thought of not being able to be loved "fully" terrifies me greatly and will probably make me CTB earlier.
It's on a spectrum, appearance can be a significant privilege if desirable and a disadvantage if the opposite (in far more areas than just romantic endeavors), or anything in-between.
Think of it like wealth, you could land anywhere from filthy rich to below the poverty line, and you will enjoy (or suffer) the benefits or consequences that come with that.
However I really don't understand the need to say such things as "appearance matters for men more than women"..I mean, surely you must be joking.
Do we inhabit the same planet?
Unless you are saying that men care more about a woman's appearance than a woman cares about a man's..?
(Am I misinterpreting you? Apologies if so.)
If you mean what I originally thought, I have to say that is completely and demonstrably false.
Men and women can be and ARE superficial toward one another (and each other), though let's be honest..as far as couples go, how often do we see an attractive woman on the arm of a man who is not so attractive? And how often do we see the reverse?
The latter is far less common, however even though women (who are almost always reduced-first and foremost-to how they look, even if successful in other areas) leave a little more wiggle room for some men to appear "attractive" in other ways besides their appearance ($$, stability, sense of humor, etc) they still employ quite shallow means of assessing their date's "value".
In other words, if the man is not so physically attractive, the woman will be looking for a high amount of compensatory factors, which I also think is unfair.
(Unless the man is like most and insists on physical beauty in his mate, in that case there is no room to complain, whether he is unattractive or not..it's hypocrisy.
At the same time, the whole idea of "leagues" based on looks and other surface level or unearned factors also disgusts me, I think it's a ridiculous concept.)
This goes for same-sex relationships as well, looks are always a HUGE factor, and if they're less so, then more "catching up" in other areas is expected..which can be exhausting for the individual it is expected from.
I can expand on some exceptions (which are usually rife with abuse and purposeful power imbalances to inflate the ego of one partner, but this is already going to be a lengthy reply).
With social media, the "just swipe" dating apps and picture-centric online dating, this universal constant of hollow leanings becomes a trend that is enhanced and heightened exponentially, there is very little room to sell yourself via personality (any little profile blurbs are usually ignored anyhow..as long as you're not a raging psychopath, your looks will be what get your foot in the door, and you won't have to do
much to stay past the threshold once you reach that stage).
In-person and "natural" instances of meeting someone and pursuing them are not much better, but at least there is a little more room to grace someone with the "who" rather than the "what" in those cases, (although the chance to do so is still usually only given to those who are 'easy on the eyes').
Both unattractive men and women have it rough and are often the throwaway joke and shitty punchline in casual conversation and pretty much everywhere else.
I empathize with both genders who have to endure being trapped in a bonafide flesh prison that suffocates their very existence (and condemns them to being seen as "less than"), a weakness that cannot be hidden, but the "one gender has it worse than the other" additive that is constantly thrown into the mix of this flavor of conversation just brings the topic down into the gutters.
Both suffer, being unattractive is bad news for everybody-man, woman, (biological or transitioning), gay or straight, this race or that race- to me none of their predicaments look any more appealing than the other when it comes to this.
Hell, even those considered "androgynous" can fall into one of two categories (good looking or unfortunate looking), and again, they will benefit from the former and suffer from the latter.
It's a sad affair.
We should offer sympathy and understanding to
all of them.
And excuse my language and wording on this subject, I feel like it sounds as if I'm agreeing with how society and individuals operate in this way, when I absolutely do not.
I acknowledge the reality (try not to mince words) but choose not to personally perpetuate it, even if I desire and need to be comfortable in my
own skin (as most humans do in order to thrive and express themselves), I make a conscious effort to never devalue someone (or close the figurative door on them) because of an exterior they had little to no say in, I also make it a point to stay away from sycophantic groveling in the presence of those who are attractive (which many others partake in, some don't even realize they're doing it half the time).
This requires a level of honesty with one's self that most are not willing to entertain, you (as in anyone) have to realize how you contribute to the problem, both overtly and covertly, whether it be blatant harassment/insults or more hidden disparities in how we treat and see one group versus the other.
Of course, my rejection of the status quo is not to say I see it all as irrelevant, I think landing one way or the other has a massive effect on where we end up in life, for better or worse..looks are damning.
All in all I think it's one of the most vile yet trite (in the manner that it should be considered of little import, yet isn't) aspects of humanity that most people just don't care to adapt themselves out of, especially when they are of the type it hardly affects/#blessed.
It's just another way human beings are set up to fail (or prosper), where which side we fall on is hardly ever in our control, yet we are severely punished or handsomely rewarded for it.
As for the worry about how much "love" you will receive based on appearances, some may find that question amusing but it actually has credence, leading to a fair point to be made.
Certainly the differences in how we are treated based on our appearance do not stop once we get into a relationship.
A lot of people like tossing around platitudes like "the grass isn't greener on the other side" or "But the beautiful people don't know who really loves them for them!", but it's nothing but a crock of shit (which I have expanded on in replies to similar posts, and will not be going as in depth about here).
The short of it is, the eyes wander..as an average (or sometimes even unattractive person), you may find luck in "love" (depending on how you define it) but may have to worry a little more (or far more) about just how long a partner will go without defaulting to a more animalistic and hierarchical approach to seeking and valuing a companion.
It's possible this could go the other way and someone could wipe the rosy tint from their eyes and realize that their Adonis or Aphrodite is a boring or shitty/incompatible SO, and leave to find someone who is slightly less attractive (but most likely still within the objective range of pleasant looking) but with a better head on their shoulders and values in their heart (still, like I said though, looks are almost never irrelevant..that's the problem).
Also, it's not exactly that people will only EVER (forever and always, on every count) see someone as strict assumptions and judgments surrounding their face and body, but rather which frame they
prefer to peer through to begin with.
A physically beautiful person will receive countless admirers and opportunities to be SEEN and HEARD because they already have the world's attention, they flourish via the halo effect, and it can sometimes become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
They have more options and more people willing to find out what's behind that pretty face, more people willing to put up with the less satisfactory traits because the package they came in is nice enough to concede that the imperfections are just part of the "charm" (even if they're not).
Meanwhile unattractive (and even some average) people are not afforded this type of leniency and freedom to be themselves unabashedly, and so being "loved" can mean that stronger conditions and ultimatums are in place. So in this way, I can see why one would assert that they are receiving a less complete and generous "love" than their attractive counterparts. There is truth to that notion, as much as I hate to say it.
*I haven't slept in 48 hours so forgive me for any rambling and tangents that may need more fleshing out, I always tell myself I need to stop replying to topics like these but honestly I am far too invested (against my will) in the matter, it means a great deal to me that it is taken seriously because otherwise decent and worthwhile people are being destroyed over not only the superficiality itself, but the lack of compassion for its victims and the lack of a corrective response from society.
