Hello everyone.
My xW and I separated over a year ago, but continued to live together for about a year with our adult (19&21) children until our house sale closed in February. She bought another modest house and the kids went with her, while I chose to move into my fathers basement while I regroup and look for a suitable rental/condo. I have been here for about a month. My mother died four years ago, but also living here is my sisters son, we'll call him Matt. Matt is 24 and has several mental illnesses. He can care for himself to a degree, but rarely speaks unless spoken to, chain-smokes three packs a day, and has 5-8 showers/baths a day. He does little, and is currently capable of little, due to his severe mental illnesses. This is all a huge strain on my father, but he manages the best he can. Matt is unable to live with his mother (my sister) at the current time because when he there was an incident where he found his medication (Vyvanse) and took several times his allotted daily dose before entering a psychotic state and assaulting her. The issue is currently before the courts, and he is bound by an order that states that mother and son do not reside together. Matt has been living with my father (75) for about two years.
As for my father, he was very emotionally abusive in my younger years. He and my mother separated when I was 12, but he moved back in when I was 16 and the abuse continued. I moved out at 22, and am now 45.
Living with my father and Matt has been okay so far. I received a large amount of money from the sale of the house and have contributed/assisted my father and Matt in many ways since being here. I have tried to reduce the strain on my father and assist with whatever I can since I moved in here. However, my father is still the same as he always was. He is very critical, often re-hashing my past issues/failures and trying to correct/criticize things that I do. It feels as though he treats me as a child/teen and does not respect me as an adult who is 45! It could be something as simple as how I make food or how I mop the floor, or trying to insert himself/control many decisions that I make.
An issue occurred today when I came upstairs with a can of cashews. He was in his recliner and I asked him if he wanted a few nuts. Instead of answering, he looked at me and said, in a snide manner, 'So, how many beers have you had today'? Yes, I have had a drinking problem in the past, and continue to struggle with self-medication intermittently. It seems like an innocuous question, but it really pissed me off. One, because I'd had not drank, and two, because it's saddening to think that that is how he thinks of me -- just assuming that I've been drinking and that I am incapable of change or even putting forth the effort to change. I know it might not seem like a huge deal to some, but his question really took my mood from 90 to 20 in a matter of seconds. This singular question has me thinking of self harm, and it's so frustrating. I have been struggling mightily with the changes in my life, and reminding myself that I have worth and things will improve. Thankfully, I have been maintaining a great relationship with my children, especially my son. However, I don't know how tenable living here will be. I am an adult who feels worth of respect and support, however it feels like I'm receiving neither, and that nothing I do will ever change his views and assumptions. I do many things to help my father, to show him that I care, and to show him that he has my support and that I'm both capable and wanting to help.
Thank you for listening, and any suggestions would be welcomed.
My xW and I separated over a year ago, but continued to live together for about a year with our adult (19&21) children until our house sale closed in February. She bought another modest house and the kids went with her, while I chose to move into my fathers basement while I regroup and look for a suitable rental/condo. I have been here for about a month. My mother died four years ago, but also living here is my sisters son, we'll call him Matt. Matt is 24 and has several mental illnesses. He can care for himself to a degree, but rarely speaks unless spoken to, chain-smokes three packs a day, and has 5-8 showers/baths a day. He does little, and is currently capable of little, due to his severe mental illnesses. This is all a huge strain on my father, but he manages the best he can. Matt is unable to live with his mother (my sister) at the current time because when he there was an incident where he found his medication (Vyvanse) and took several times his allotted daily dose before entering a psychotic state and assaulting her. The issue is currently before the courts, and he is bound by an order that states that mother and son do not reside together. Matt has been living with my father (75) for about two years.
As for my father, he was very emotionally abusive in my younger years. He and my mother separated when I was 12, but he moved back in when I was 16 and the abuse continued. I moved out at 22, and am now 45.
Living with my father and Matt has been okay so far. I received a large amount of money from the sale of the house and have contributed/assisted my father and Matt in many ways since being here. I have tried to reduce the strain on my father and assist with whatever I can since I moved in here. However, my father is still the same as he always was. He is very critical, often re-hashing my past issues/failures and trying to correct/criticize things that I do. It feels as though he treats me as a child/teen and does not respect me as an adult who is 45! It could be something as simple as how I make food or how I mop the floor, or trying to insert himself/control many decisions that I make.
An issue occurred today when I came upstairs with a can of cashews. He was in his recliner and I asked him if he wanted a few nuts. Instead of answering, he looked at me and said, in a snide manner, 'So, how many beers have you had today'? Yes, I have had a drinking problem in the past, and continue to struggle with self-medication intermittently. It seems like an innocuous question, but it really pissed me off. One, because I'd had not drank, and two, because it's saddening to think that that is how he thinks of me -- just assuming that I've been drinking and that I am incapable of change or even putting forth the effort to change. I know it might not seem like a huge deal to some, but his question really took my mood from 90 to 20 in a matter of seconds. This singular question has me thinking of self harm, and it's so frustrating. I have been struggling mightily with the changes in my life, and reminding myself that I have worth and things will improve. Thankfully, I have been maintaining a great relationship with my children, especially my son. However, I don't know how tenable living here will be. I am an adult who feels worth of respect and support, however it feels like I'm receiving neither, and that nothing I do will ever change his views and assumptions. I do many things to help my father, to show him that I care, and to show him that he has my support and that I'm both capable and wanting to help.
Thank you for listening, and any suggestions would be welcomed.
