My apologies in advance, not that it excuses anything but I'm new here and low on sleep. If I'm missing anything or doing anything wrong, please let me know.
I guess I'm kind of looking for advice/thoughts. To be blunt though, I'm curious to hear others' thoughts on if it's best to isolate if constantly having suicidal thoughts and a decently high chance on acting on them.
I'm very lost lately and uncertain, but I know for sure that my depression has made me a toxic influence. That coupled with life being extra icky lately has led to me cutting ties with all friends. We barely talked anyways so I'm not missed as much as I miss them. But my head is all messed up. I could reach back out but to what end? If I'm going to be a toxic presence since the only thing I want is death, isn't it wrong to make others be around me then? Of course more hypocrisy ensues seeing I joined here... sorry about that to everyone. I guess I really just want to hear other people's thoughts/experiences if anyone feels like posting. Thank you to anyone who does.
We are on the same page. I cut all ties with everyone in my life except my husband. EVERYONE> family, acquaintances (never had a True friend except my hubby). I did this not so much because I felt I was toxic, though I was accused of that constantly, but because, in TRUTH, THEY were toxic to me. Yes, it is lonely. Yes, I still think of death constantly. Been almost five years since I spoke to anyone in my family, children, parents, sibling, anyone. Three years since I cut the last acquaintance out of my life and it has only been a year since she finally got the clue and stopped pestering me. Are you feeling toxic because you are not accepted unconditionally as you are or are you REALLY toxic? Ever heard of Winnie the Pooh? He has a friend called Eeyore. Eeyore is a donkey who is seriously clinically depressed. Yet, neither Pooh, Rabbit, Owl, Piglet or any of the other characters try to change how or who Eeyore is and they ALWAYS invite him to tag along, his ultra depressed self and all the baggage along with it. They are true friends that accept this clinically depressed being at face value unconditionally. If you are feeling toxic, maybe it is because you are not being accepted unconditionally. You sense this and are bulking against others subtle or overt attempts to change you and who you are to make themselves feel more comfortable. You do not need people that do not accept you as you are unconditionally. Warts and severe clinical depression and all. You do not need to hear 'you shouldn't feel this way, I don't understand why you are so sad' or anything else along those lines that attempts to destroy or subdue what it is you are actually feeling to something more acceptable to someone else.
Yes, I am lonely, desparately so sometimes. Then I have to be around others, shopping, eating out, vets, doctors, something and cannot wait to get back to my little tool shed with no running water, off grid power that needs a car to charge many days and wood burning stove, alone, with my cats and my husband.
If you are feeling something, anything and it is making others around you uncomfortable, get away from them and find others that accept how you feel, or find solace in solitude.
JUST because you choose to back away from everyone does NOT mean you may become more suicidal or even more depressed and despondent. You may find yourself strangely free for the first time and this alone may give you strength and determination that you deserve to be exactly who you are and feel exactly what it is you are feeling. These things are yours and you have every right to them, because you are alive. Period. Who you are and what you feel are yours. Do not let others take these things from you. It will make you feel toxic when you should not. Should it not be they who feel they are toxic for being unable to accept you unconditionally? Yet they do not allow themselves to feel toxic. They feel justified, superior even. LET GO of those that do not serve the who and what you are, no matter what that is. What you are and how you feel is mutable as well. That means, what you are and how you feel changes. Like evolution due to your environment and personal choices. Just because you are depressed now does not mean you will always be, but surrounding yourself with others that do not accept you unconditionally will feed self loathing.
Yes, you may indeed be toxic to others, just as others are toxic to you, and yes, you are ALLOWED to acknowledge that others are toxic to you. Some substances, chemicals, cannot and do not mix well, if at all, or can have explosive or toxic results upon mixing, and therefor, should not be mixed. We are made of chemicals, so it makes sense not all of us fit together and should be 'mixed' together. Just because something is toxic now, does not mean it always will be. Case in point----Bleach in Water. Many municipalities add Chlorine to their water supply. Now, if you have ever had a fish tank, salt water or fresh, the VERY first thing you learn is that the miniscule, almost imperceptible amount of chlorine in the water can and will kill off all aquatic life, will prevent the water from obtaining and maintaining the proper flora needed to support aquatic life. So, when starting a tank, or adding water to an existing tank, chlorine free water is needed. So, if you turn on the tap and chlorine is in the water, do you then have to go out and buy gallons of non-chlorinated water to set up or add to your tank? No. You can fill your tank with the chlorinated water and let it sit, uncovered for 24 hours and the chlorine will naturally dissipate. Or, fill gallons and leave them uncovered for 24 hours before adding to an already established tank.
This shows, that sometimes, time, and/or other factors can alter chemistry. So because you cut ties, does not mean it will be permanent. It may be. It may not be. They may decide having a clinically depressed and negative person in their life is better than not having you in their life and then they will put off less of the 'you are toxic to me' vibe and in return, they will be less toxic to you. They may not miss you at all. Guess what, you may find you don't miss them at all.
