I'll get this out of the way already: My mom was pretty shitty to me, as most people in this sub know. I can't count how many times she said I ruined her life just by being born, that I was a mistake, but "dealing with it" was part of being a mom...
It made me feel like at my core, I was worthless. I was not supposed to be born. For most of my life, I felt like the only way to make that "right" was either with pain or with constant servitude as an apology... or to eagerly give in when in the face of my death. I just wasn't born a "person". I am a thing. I never represented something good... I am just the manifestation of the many bad things that happened to my mom.
... It makes it really hard for me to wake up. It weights you down, knowing that you're so dirty. Makes you feel guilty just for enjoying something, because you know you were never born deserving of it.
And I thought I could change that. ... I don't want to be deserving of pain and death anymore. I don't want to be dirty anymore. I wanted to see if I could replace this stained core I was born with. I wanted to see if I had the potential to become something "good". Like a good artist.
... Now I'm not sure if I have a future anymore. A paragraph of something that I've spent so much time writing didn't impress anyone. And it made me... scared. Does that means that I don't have the potential to become something else? I can't change my destiny and avoid more well deserved pain and a life of servitude? Is my only path in life one of never ending atonemen?
... I'm scared. What does that mean to me? Was I "nothing" this whole time? I don't wanna go back to being something terrible.
I just want to be a good artist.
It made me feel like at my core, I was worthless. I was not supposed to be born. For most of my life, I felt like the only way to make that "right" was either with pain or with constant servitude as an apology... or to eagerly give in when in the face of my death. I just wasn't born a "person". I am a thing. I never represented something good... I am just the manifestation of the many bad things that happened to my mom.
... It makes it really hard for me to wake up. It weights you down, knowing that you're so dirty. Makes you feel guilty just for enjoying something, because you know you were never born deserving of it.
And I thought I could change that. ... I don't want to be deserving of pain and death anymore. I don't want to be dirty anymore. I wanted to see if I could replace this stained core I was born with. I wanted to see if I had the potential to become something "good". Like a good artist.
... Now I'm not sure if I have a future anymore. A paragraph of something that I've spent so much time writing didn't impress anyone. And it made me... scared. Does that means that I don't have the potential to become something else? I can't change my destiny and avoid more well deserved pain and a life of servitude? Is my only path in life one of never ending atonemen?
... I'm scared. What does that mean to me? Was I "nothing" this whole time? I don't wanna go back to being something terrible.
I just want to be a good artist.
