Is he a pedophile?

[Ernest1964]

Is he a pedophile? A friend of mine confided in me that he is considering suicide, ironic, huh? He says that he is wracked with guilt and has been for 20+years. At 19 he had a sexual encounter with a 14 year old. It was "consensual"or so he says. The girl does not feel that anything wrong happened to her and while she was not the instigator, she did reciprocate. They are not really in contact any more, but he still feels guilty even though she has stated to him that there is nothing to forgive him for because she doesn't believe that she was harmed in any way by the encounter.

Is he (as he worries) a pedophile? He has not had any encounters sexually with any other minors since that time. In considering the situation, it seems to me that he should forgive himself, since she already has. I told him that because he has not had any other encounters, it doesn't seem fair for him to label himself a pedophile after 20+ years of not having other sexual encounters with someone under the age of consent. His desire to CTB is predicated solely on his thought that he is a pedo. and I have tried to get him to focus on forgiving himself rather than CTB. Of course he has self determination to make that choice if he choose to, though I would hate to see him CTB, if he could just come to the point of forgiving himself.

What do you think of my advice?

 

[Pidgeons_Sparrows]

not to be rude or accusatory but this strangely reads like an "asking for a friend" kind of thing
Is he a pedophile? Idk, depends on the law and age of consent in the country it happend in
I would consider him as one, 14 and 19 doesnt sound very healthy whatsoever

 

[gardenofaphrodite]

If she chose to report it, he would be charged with statutory rape & absolutely should be, she could not legally consent. I have no empathy for people who take advantage of minors - so I do not feel bad for what he's feeling. He may have groomed her, & she may still be in the mindset that nothing is wrong. A 14 & 19 are not okay being "together" or having any sexual encounters. If he fears he is a pedophile - he needs to ask himself, does he feel attraction towards minors? Because from the view point you've provided, he obviously does, & is a pedophile. He chose to have a sexual encounter with a minor who cannot legally consent - & out of legality, morally speaking, she can't consent to an adult, & he should have backed off immediately.

If a 19yr old approached me at 14 - in hindsight now I would know they would be attempting to groom me - but as a 14yr old, you wouldn't think that. She was probably thinking "omg an older guy likes me! I must be so mature" or something like that. Teenagers that young have a skewed perspective on how a relationship should be & this includes if someone is older than them. He most likely is not providing you all the details - there is a reason she must think it was okay - & it was most likely due to grooming & other factors (ie: emotional or mental abuse).

It's your friend, do what you feel you should do - however in my perspective, you should report that encounter to authorities. If he's done it once, he will most likely do it again - he should admit to what he's done & seek help.

Everyone has different morals - but if it were any of my friends - I would absolutely report the encounter. There is no defense for preying on minors or having ANY sexual encounters with them. I do not feel bad for them, & they deserve punishment. However it is your friend, & I can why it would be hard to do that - especially if it's a close friend. Do what you think feels right - & maybe speak to her if you can, because she is a victim, & will need support.

 

[Ernest1964]

not to be rude or accusatory but this strangely reads like an "asking for a friend" kind of thing
Is he a pedophile? Idk, depends on the law and age of consent in the country it happend in
I would consider him as one, 14 and 19 doesnt sound very healthy whatsoever

Yes, I thought about that before posting, but that thought is very far from the reality of the situation. And I agree, it was not a healthy situation and certainly was NOT ok. I think that realization is a part of his continuing feelings of guilt.Isn't it telling that he feels guilt? Does that count for something or not?

 

[alurem]

i'd say that legally, yes he's a pedo
though if he's shown no interest in mino since the incident then i wouldn't consider him that.

 

[Ernest1964]

If she chose to report it, he would be charged with statutory rape & absolutely should be, she could not legally consent. I have no empathy for people who take advantage of minors - so I do not feel bad for what he's feeling. He may have groomed her, & she may still be in the mindset that nothing is wrong. A 14 & 19 are not okay being "together" or having any sexual encounters. If he fears he is a pedophile - he needs to ask himself, does he feel attraction towards minors? Because from the view point you've provided, he obviously does, & is a pedophile. He chose to have a sexual encounter with a minor who cannot legally consent - & out of legality, morally speaking, she can't consent to an adult, & he should have backed off immediately.

If a 19yr old approached me at 14 - in hindsight now I would know they would be attempting to groom me - but as a 14yr old, you wouldn't think that. She was probably thinking "omg an older guy likes me! I must be so mature" or something like that. Teenagers that young have a skewed perspective on how a relationship should be & this includes if someone is older than them. He most likely is not providing you all the details - there is a reason she must think it was okay - & it was most likely due to grooming & other factors (ie: emotional or mental abuse).

It's your friend, do what you feel you should do - however in my perspective, you should report that encounter to authorities. If he's done it once, he will most likely do it again - he should admit to what he's done & seek help.

Everyone has different morals - but if it were any of my friends - I would absolutely report the encounter. There is no defense for preying on minors or having ANY sexual encounters with them. I do not feel bad for them, & they deserve punishment. However it is your friend, & I can why it would be hard to do that - especially if it's a close friend. Do what you think feels right - & maybe speak to her if you can, because she is a victim, & will need support.

The encounter happened 20+ years ago, he says that he hasn't done anything like that since then and I tend to believe him. The "victim" doesn't feel victimized even now, 20+ years later. Apparently this happened in the US in the state of Oregon, not that it matters, I don't think. If no one involved feels victimized, what is the point of "turning him in to the authorities"? Just to show my moral superiority? I understand that a law was broken, but is anyone served or even, is justice served by opening something that was done so long ago and with seemingly little negative outcome (besides his own guilt)?

 

[gardenofaphrodite]

The encounter happened 20+ years ago, he says that he hasn't done anything like that since then and I tend to believe him. The "victim" doesn't feel victimized even now, 20+ years later. Apparently this happened in the US in the state of Oregon, not that it matters, I don't think. If no one involved feels victimized, what is the point of "turning him in to the authorities"? Just to show my moral superiority? I understand that a law was broken, but is anyone served or even, is justice served by opening something that was done so long ago and with seemingly little negative outcome (besides his own guilt)?

If he's still guilty about it, & it's bothering him that much - there's probably more to it.

If it was 20yrs ago - different time but still not okay. If she feels she wasn't wronged & its been that long, idk. I can't reply to that - because she may still think that it was okay when it isn't.

 

[Ernest1964]

If she chose to report it, he would be charged with statutory rape & absolutely should be, she could not legally consent.

The statute of limitation for statuary rape is three years. The encounter happened 20+ years ago. I don't think anyone would bring charges against him. I am not defending him, but I don't see any point in turning him in.

 

[IndyAna]

not to be rude or accusatory but this strangely reads like an "asking for a friend" kind of thing
Is he a pedophile? Idk, depends on the law and age of consent in the country it happend in
I would consider him as one, 14 and 19 doesnt sound very healthy whatsoever

my thoughts exactly reading this.

 

[LittleJem]

I don't personally think pedophile for this. While there is a gap/age of consent issue - it was five years gap and both were teenagers and she said she consented. While it is under the age of consent, the truth is lots of 12 and 13 year olds are sexually active.

Not the same, but in my late 30s/early 40s I had a brief thing with a 19 year old I met a festival. Both of us were stoned and then we had a brief encounter. I felt odd about it afterwards, but he did say it was okay with him. It wasn't a habit and not repeated, it was more just the way we met and the festival thing.

With your friend, I see the consent as the most important thing. I really don't see it as a reason to CTB.

 

[Ernest1964]

my thoughts exactly reading this.

Sorry, but that is far from reality.

I don't personally think pedophile for this. While there is a gap/age of consent issue - it was five years gap and both were teenagers and she said she consented. While it is under the age of consent, the truth is lots of 12 and 13 year olds are sexually active.

Not the same, but in my late 30s/early 40s I had a brief thing with a 19 year old I met a festival. Both of us were stoned and then we had a brief encounter. I felt odd about it afterwards, but he did say it was okay with him. It wasn't a habit and not repeated, it was more just the way we met and the festival thing.

With your friend, I see the consent as the most important thing. I really don't see it as a reason to CTB.

Agreed, not a reason to CTB. Maybe he needs some therapy to help him learn how to forgive himself?

 

[IndyAna]

Sorry, but that is far from reality.

I'm not in a place to judge, just saying what my thoughts were reading your post... It's kinda odd but I wouldn't call him a pedo and it's definitely not a reason to ctb too. hope your friend figures it out.

 

[yellowroses]

Is he a pedophile? A friend of mine confided in me that he is considering suicide, ironic, huh? He says that he is wracked with guilt and has been for 20+years. At 19 he had a sexual encounter with a 14 year old. It was "consensual"or so he says. The girl does not feel that anything wrong happened to her and while she was not the instigator, she did reciprocate. They are not really in contact any more, but he still feels guilty even though she has stated to him that there is nothing to forgive him for because she doesn't believe that she was harmed in any way by the encounter.

Is he (as he worries) a pedophile? He has not had any encounters sexually with any other minors since that time. In considering the situation, it seems to me that he should forgive himself, since she already has. I told him that because he has not had any other encounters, it doesn't seem fair for him to label himself a pedophile after 20+ years of not having other sexual encounters with someone under the age of consent. His desire to CTB is predicated solely on his thought that he is a pedo. and I have tried to get him to focus on forgiving himself rather than CTB. Of course he has self determination to make that choice if he choose to, though I would hate to see him CTB, if he could just come to the point of forgiving himself.

What do you think of my advice?

Legally he could be charged with statutory rape, but that doesn't *technically* make him a pedophile- pedophiles are adults who are attracted to prepubescent people/ features, it's not a "one and done" type thing (even they never act on their attraction, or only do so once, the attraction remains). It sounds like it was a stupid mistake, one that he obviously regrets very much, and that he wouldn't attempt to have any sort of inappropriate contact with a minor now, so no I wouldn't say he would be or should be considered a pedophile. If the person who he slept with actually doesn't hold anything against him as you claim (even though that obviously doesn't make the situation okay) then I would say he should seek psychiatric help and try to learn to forgive himself.

 

[CursedReality88]

According to the law yes, but the law is man made and is different in many states. I think in Japan it is 13. Not everything in life can be judged fairly by the law. The fact is that many people mature at different paces. Yes 14 and 19 sounds like a big gap, but they are both still teenagers. I have two nieces both the same age at 11, both completely different in maturity. One still plays with plushes, the other already does skin care.

 

[Twiceler]

Firstly, If he calls himself a pedophile, he means he controlled and manipulated her having an advantage (physical or mental) over her and abusing her. If he didn't do any crime earlier, he doesn't have a "rule breaking" mind to act like that. But it's debatable. Anyways 19 is not 40 and not even 30, it's still a teenager.

Secondly, 14 is not a kid, it's already a teenager. Girl's puberty starts at 11-14 (if im correct) and after that they start acting sexually by it's own, then they're fairly considered sexy in others eyes and are ready to become pregnant (techlically). Thats just when sexual attractiveness starts working at its fullness (up to 16 or 18).

Is he attracted to non pubertal humans? No? Then he's technically not a pedophile. But people may become a maniac either a bully after these kinds of critical situations. So you need to high up his self esteem from low to the middle level (by my little theory), then he won't become a maniacal about it.

 

[nopointinlife]

This "I'm asking for a friend" post is a cry for help. Dude, forgive yourself and move on.

 

[leloyon]

Pedophiles generally prefer minors to people their age and in some cases feel no attraction to adults whatsoever, in any case I would say no. It was one time and if they don't feel attraction to minors specifically then I don't think so.
Human beings are a complicated bunch and things aren't always black and white, doing something once and feeling immensely guilty about it isn't the same as having a lifelong mental condition/paraphilia.
That being said, if he's so worried about being a pedophile, I am skeptical that this one incident is all there is to it. Not that he's engaged in sexual activity with other minors, but maybe he is attracted to minors specifically after all, if he's so worried about it.
In any case, he should forgive himself and if he really does feel sexual attraction towards minors then he should seek professional help to get over it.

 

[Ernest1964]

This "I'm asking for a friend" post is a cry for help. Dude, forgive yourself and move on.

Sorry, but no. It is not MY cry for help, I do think it is my friends cry for help though. We've been friends for 17 years. My friend has not found this site yet, but he knows that I have been visiting this site for the past 6 months and wants to know whether he should CTB or not. I strongly believe in a persons right to self determination and for me this situation is very conflicting. On one hand I am all for the individuals right to CTB, but now that one of my closest friends is considering CTB, I am feeling a bit less so.

 

[cami]

legally yes. morally, i guess it depends why he was attracted to her and how long he knew her previously. i dont think he should ctb over an isolated incident at all, i just think he has some issues he should try and work through.

 

[Hikikomori1]

No not really.

Teens having sex with other teens is normal.

14 isn't even pedophilia it is Hebephilia.

Pedophilia is 10 and under.

 

[Hikikomori1]

Agreed

The definition of pedophile is "a person who is sexually attracted to children."

Pre-pubescent to be more specific.

Given this encounter happened over 20 years ago, and has not been repeated, my opinion is that it doesn't meet the definition. And if the statue of limitations has expired, then there no legal issue to deal with. And it sounds like the victim doesn't consider herself a victim. Adding everything up, I would consider this as to "kids being kids" a long time ago.

Pretty much the same here.

That said, the one thing that concerns me is his strong feeling that he is a pedo and is considering ctb over it. To me, this screams something more might be going on. As one with a dark, second life (not as a pedo), I would wonder if he's hiding something. Does he have an alternate life in which he engages in risky behavior, in his case having sexual encounters with minors?

If he is so worried about being attracted to minors than he is not a real pedophile coming from a real pedo here who has the attraction but doesn't act on it.

Pedophile OCD is different from having the actual attraction.

 

[Hikikomori1]

For me, this is the part of the story that doesn't make sense to me, and makes me wonder if something is ongoing - whether they are acting upon it or not. For myself, I've spent 25+ years living a double life - normal by day, deviant by night. While I could never hurt anyone, I could see it as possibility. But hopefully your correct, and they may have the feelings, but are not acting on them.

I have been aware of my attraction for about 7 years and have never acted on it.

Many pedophiles do have self control and are married with their own kids because a lot of them are attracted to kids and adults as well.

 

[Stormy Raine]

I always try to be honest and sensitive about such topics. Yes he's legally considered a pedo, I would also say once a pedo, always a pedo, there is no cure! Pedos can't help who they are attracted to or what arouses them (just like everyone else). Im assuming your friend is you and perhaps you a still having those urges and thoughts and it's difficult to continue to control them. I would never push anyone to ctb but I strongly suggest you find a therapist to help you through this difficult time. Best wishes to you!

 

[hellispink]

depends on the laws of your country in which you live. Also depends on the state. In some countries the age of consent varies it can be 14 sometimes it can be 15, 16. You will need to research the laws to find out about that. And also being a p, is having constant life long wanting and attraction to do something. If it never crossed his mind or anything never again maybe he was just an inmature person when he did it. But only him knows the answer

 

[SVEN]

Should your friend decide to visit this site I'd suggest you direct him to the Support threads. This being the Suicide Discussion section he's more likely to obtain supportive views on coming to terms with his concerns if that's what you wish for him.

 

[silentcicada]

Your college aged friend slept with a middle schooler. Yes, it would be considered rape. He might not be able to be legally prosecuted because of the statute of limitations, but he still has to live with the guilt of assaulting an 8th grader. gardenofaphrodite's quote perfectly explains the perspective of a young teenager being groomed.

Age of consent does not mean you, an adult, are free to assault teenagers btw. If the age of consent is 14 somewhere it means that 14-year-olds can consent to other teenagers, at most 4 years their senior. (Romeo and Juliet law with the parent's consent) I'm so tired of seeing weirdos regurgitate false information.

 

[Dying Knight]

Your college aged friend slept with a middle schooler. Yes, it would be considered rape.

In the country where I live, sex with agreement may be qualified as rape according to the laws only if it happened with a person under 12 (it's presumed that consent may not be granted in this case); having sex with 12 - 15 years old is illegal here and may be punishable depending on the difference between ages, but it's not qualified as rape as long as there is mutual consent.

If the age of consent is 14 somewhere it means that 14-year-olds can consent to other teenagers, at most 4 years their senior.

Age of consent means the minimal age of a person who may be a legal sex partner for any adult (in my country it's 16). It's not necessarily the same as the minimal age for granting consent that would determine absence of rape (in my country it's 12).

 

[SmollMushroom]

Is he a pedophile? A friend of mine confided in me that he is considering suicide, ironic, huh? He says that he is wracked with guilt and has been for 20+years. At 19 he had a sexual encounter with a 14 year old. It was "consensual"or so he says. The girl does not feel that anything wrong happened to her and while she was not the instigator, she did reciprocate. They are not really in contact any more, but he still feels guilty even though she has stated to him that there is nothing to forgive him for because she doesn't believe that she was harmed in any way by the encounter.

Is he (as he worries) a pedophile? He has not had any encounters sexually with any other minors since that time. In considering the situation, it seems to me that he should forgive himself, since she already has. I told him that because he has not had any other encounters, it doesn't seem fair for him to label himself a pedophile after 20+ years of not having other sexual encounters with someone under the age of consent. His desire to CTB is predicated solely on his thought that he is a pedo. and I have tried to get him to focus on forgiving himself rather than CTB. Of course he has self determination to make that choice if he choose to, though I would hate to see him CTB, if he could just come to the point of forgiving himself.

What do you think of my advice?

OT: I don't really understand the trend of resurrecting very old posts like this one, but at this point I'm kinda curious to know if there were any news? Also I was curious to know from which country is your friend from (if it's not too personal to ask).

As for my response to your question, yeah you did good trying to save your friend, seems quite obvious to me. It's what every good friend should do imo.

 

[Ernest1964]

OT: I don't really understand the trend of resurrecting very old posts like this one, but at this point I'm kinda curious to know if there were any news? Also I was curious to know from which country is your friend from (if it's not too personal to ask).

As for my response to your question, yeah you did good trying to save your friend, seems quite obvious to me. It's what every good friend should do imo.

He currently lives in the U.S. My friend is currently seeing a therapist and going through the tough work of trying to forgive himself.

 

[Ernest1964]

I always try to be honest and sensitive about such topics. Yes he's legally considered a pedo, I would also say once a pedo, always a pedo, there is no cure! Pedos can't help who they are attracted to or what arouses them (just like everyone else). Im assuming your friend is you and perhaps you a still having those urges and thoughts and it's difficult to continue to control them. I would never push anyone to ctb but I strongly suggest you find a therapist to help you through this difficult time. Best wishes to you!

Sorry to burst your sleuthing bubble;e but, no it is not me.