Is he a pedophile?

[silentcicada]

Age of consent means the minimal age of a person who may be a legal sex partner for any adult (in my country it's 16). It's not necessarily the same as the minimal age for granting consent that would determine absence of rape (in my country it's 12).

I'm not saying you're wrong here, but that isn't how it works in the US and some European countries. Age of consent in my country means the age that you're able to consent, but with restrictions as well as wiggle room. If you're a teenager, you cannot consent to adults over the age of 18, with exemptions of the Romeo and Juliet laws as explained in my last comment. Many people think that because the age of consent somewhere is 15 that you can bang 15-year-olds as a 20 year old. That isn't how it actually works legally, there is an age range for teenagers to prevent them from being groomed by adults.
Very sad to hear that your country pretty much legalized raping children though, since children can't consent.

 

[glitterypearls]

I'm sorry. he might not be a "pedo" but it's called statutory rape for a reason. I dunno about anyone else but as a 14yo a lot of thing that happened to me had a huge impact on me. 13 to 15 is a critical age. not because she wanted it then it means it's okay, she is called a minor for a reason. she can't consent. she is easily manipulated and I'm sure this impacted her a lot and it will continue to impact her as she grow up older. I just don't understand how people have those questions and try to somehow make themselves sound like they didn't do anything wrong. if he told anyone in the Law enforcement he will be investigated for this. it's not okay and it will never be okay. being 19 is not an excuse and her "consenting" to this isn't a thing. sorry if I'm harsh but things like this impact the victims all of their life and it pisses me off how people would give themselves excuses by saying "its my first time" or "she gave consent"

 

[Dying Knight]

Very sad to hear that your country pretty much legalized raping children though, since children can't consent.

I think, "raping" is a too strong word here, since people typically associate it with a forcible sexual act. I see an apparent psychological manipulation in combining forcible and nonforcible sexual acts in the same word in order to cause strong negative associations of a moderately dangerous dissolute behavior with a severe violation of human rights that may lead to serious trauma. I also have doubts that sex between 16 yo and 21 yo is worse than sex between 16 yo and 16 yo, because younger people often behave more recklessly and sex between two teenagers may have a higher likelihood of producing bad consequences such as unwanted pregnancy.

 

[orphic]

Is he a pedophile? A friend of mine confided in me that he is considering suicide, ironic, huh? He says that he is wracked with guilt and has been for 20+years. At 19 he had a sexual encounter with a 14 year old. It was "consensual"or so he says. The girl does not feel that anything wrong happened to her and while she was not the instigator, she did reciprocate. They are not really in contact any more, but he still feels guilty even though she has stated to him that there is nothing to forgive him for because she doesn't believe that she was harmed in any way by the encounter.

Is he (as he worries) a pedophile? He has not had any encounters sexually with any other minors since that time. In considering the situation, it seems to me that he should forgive himself, since she already has. I told him that because he has not had any other encounters, it doesn't seem fair for him to label himself a pedophile after 20+ years of not having other sexual encounters with someone under the age of consent. His desire to CTB is predicated solely on his thought that he is a pedo. and I have tried to get him to focus on forgiving himself rather than CTB. Of course he has self determination to make that choice if he choose to, though I would hate to see him CTB, if he could just come to the point of forgiving himself.

What do you think of my advice?

if he was aware of her age then yes lol, even if she did "reciprocate" he is still the bigger person and should have denied her no matter how down bad he was. This is basically like "oh, my 5 year old brother told me its okay to punch him and i did bc he thinks its okay to"

 

[flower_g1rl]

yes? what else is he? the answer is obvious

 

[voyager]

Legally the case is clear, but that aside, I think, based on the one issue, pedophile seems too harsh. I have three reasons for this;

One, we don't know the maturity of both involved. We know their age, sure, but as someone said on page one, there can be huge differences in that age range. That's biological fact.

Two, when I was a teen (90s Europe) plenty of my friends had older boyfriends. My first serious crush had one. She loved me too, but wouldn't separate from him. Many of them would drive Vespas or cars. It really was a rather common sight. Even the parents didn't mind. This was before mobile phones, so an older teen driving and protecting their daughter was maybe seen as preferable to hitchhiking, which was a serious danger. Plus, I too had my first experiences with an older woman in her 20s. I wasn't groomed, abused, nor do I regret it now, because it's the only normal sexual relationship I had before my mind went to shit.

This is important, because, three, the girl from back then, now a woman, still maintains that she didn't feel taken advantage of, just as I. One should respect that. It's one thing making up rules for society as a whole, that's fine, but telling her or me what to think is patronising, especially now as grown ups. This consent is crucial, because it's what separates normal sexual desire from abuse. It's the difference between pleasure and trauma. Sex and rape.

No, to me the real question is what attracted him to the girl at the time and that is indeed where my alarm bells went off too. Why is he still so concerned with this (supposedly) onetime issue after so many years and her expressing her good will? Even going as far as wanting to ctb because of it and now therapy too. That sounds extremely shady and suggests there's more to this. Without all the details one can't say, but where there's smoke there's fire...

Personally, I believe you that you are speaking for a friend, but of course, if it weren't so, this would literally change everything.


PS: Totally adored my video rentals dealer, must've been 15, she was around 20 and if she would've had me... sigh. She even asked me one time, if I wanted us to get together and I was so embarassed that I blushed and denied it. She was messing with me. Haha. Loved her so much.

 

[Ernest1964]

I'm sorry. he might not be a "pedo" but it's called statutory rape for a reason. I dunno about anyone else but as a 14yo a lot of thing that happened to me had a huge impact on me. 13 to 15 is a critical age. not because she wanted it then it means it's okay, she is called a minor for a reason. she can't consent. she is easily manipulated and I'm sure this impacted her a lot and it will continue to impact her as she grow up older. I just don't understand how people have those questions and try to somehow make themselves sound like they didn't do anything wrong. if he told anyone in the Law enforcement he will be investigated for this. it's not okay and it will never be okay. being 19 is not an excuse and her "consenting" to this isn't a thing. sorry if I'm harsh but things like this impact the victims all of their life and it pisses me off how people would give themselves excuses by saying "its my first time" or "she gave consent"

If you've read my post, my friend is ashamed of what he did. He is not excusing his behavior. I guess a part of my question might be, after so long, what good would come of it if he did talk with the police? He is now in counseling and is trying to forgive himself.

yes? what else is he? the answer is obvious

Sorry flower_g1rl, the answer is not obvious. Life is not black or white and many many people take great joy dancing in the gray. The girl was 14 and my friend was 19, it was NOT ok, and I am not defending his actions but what good would it do now (after 20+ years) to turn him in to the police? He is getting counseling and since my original post he doesn't want to CTB, but he does still have moments of despair that he could have done that even back then.

Legally the case is clear, but that aside, I think, based on the one issue, pedophile seems too harsh. I have three reasons for this;

One, we don't know the maturity of both involved. We know their age, sure, but as someone said on page one, there can be huge differences in that age range. That's biological fact.

Two, when I was a teen (90s Europe) plenty of my friends had older boyfriends. My first serious crush had one. She loved me too, but wouldn't separate from him. Many of them would drive Vespas or cars. It really was a rather common sight. Even the parents didn't mind. This was before mobile phones, so an older teen driving and protecting their daughter was maybe seen as preferable to hitchhiking, which was a serious danger. Plus, I too had my first experiences with an older woman in her 20s. I wasn't groomed, abused, nor do I regret it now, because it's the only normal sexual relationship I had before my mind went to shit.

This is important, because, three, the girl from back then, now a woman, still maintains that she didn't feel taken advantage of, just as I. One should respect that. It's one thing making up rules for society as a whole, that's fine, but telling her or me what to think is patronising, especially now as grown ups. This consent is crucial, because it's what separates normal sexual desire from abuse. It's the difference between pleasure and trauma. Sex and rape.

No, to me the real question is what attracted him to the girl at the time and that is indeed where my alarm bells went off too. Why is he still so concerned with this (supposedly) onetime issue after so many years and her expressing her good will? Even going as far as wanting to ctb because of it and now therapy too. That sounds extremely shady and suggests there's more to this. Without all the details one can't say, but where there's smoke there's fire...

Personally, I believe you that you are speaking for a friend, but of course, if it weren't so, this would literally change everything.


PS: Totally adored my video rentals dealer, must've been 15, she was around 20 and if she would've had me... sigh. She even asked me one time, if I wanted us to get together and I was so embarassed that I blushed and denied it. She was messing with me. Haha. Loved her so much.

voyager, thank you for a real reasoned and balanced post. I too have fond memories of my first time. I used to babysit for a young couple who lived across the street, they had two little boys, one about 2 years old, the other about 3 years old. This was way back in the late 70s. Both the wife and husband were in their early to mid 20s they were what was called at the time "swingers" One night they came home after a special party ; ) and the husband was drunk, the wife a bit less so. I helped her drag him passed out and onto the bed and the next thing I know she had her tongue down my throat and was undoing my belt. It was just a couple of weeks before my 15th birthday, she was around 23 or 24 years old. I, in no way, felt like I was groomed or raped or molested in any way at all. In fact, I felt pretty damned lucky. I have no doubt that if I were a girl the story would have been VERY different especially if the older person was the husband and not the wife.

 

[flower_g1rl]

life isnt gray when it comes to f-ng children, sorry, its black and white. and there should be no joy found in "dancing in the gray", as u put it, wtf. i didnt say i wished your friend to die, dont be dramatic. if it was a 14 yo boy and a 19 yo girl the answer would be obvious to everyone in the thread, but ppl have a tendency to view little girls as grown women and little boys as boys (that they are), lets be honest. im ending this discussion there, mate. its weird

 

[Hikikomori1]

yes? what else is he? the answer is obvious

No he isn't.

Pedophiles are attracted to kids who have not hit puberty yet about the 3-12 age range generally speaking.

The word is not another word for child molester or an umbrella term for all people attracted to minors.

Teenagers having sex with other teenagers is normal

life isnt gray when it comes to f-ng children, sorry, its black and white. and there should be no joy found in "dancing in the gray", as u put it, wtf. i didnt say i wished your friend to die, dont be dramatic. if it was a 14 yo boy and a 19 yo girl the answer would be obvious to everyone in the thread, but ppl have a tendency to view little girls as grown women and little boys as boys (that they are), lets be honest. im ending this discussion there, mate. its weird

This is exactly how people thought of the gays back in 1950.

No all topics have some sort grey/nuance even controversial and taboo ones it is not all black and white with some just because of your feelings.

 

[flower_g1rl]

No he isn't.

Pedophiles are attracted to kids who have not hit puberty yet about the 3-12 age range generally speaking.

The word is not another word for child molester or an umbrella term for all people attracted to minors.

Teenagers having sex with other teenagers is normal


This is exactly how people thought of the gays back in 1950.

No all topics have some sort grey/nuance even controversial and taboo ones it is not all black and white with some just because of your feelings.

i'm not reading all that

 

[Hikikomori1]

i'm not reading all that

Well than i guess you have already lost the argument.

 

[DeecyTee]

Is he a pedophile? A friend of mine confided in me that he is considering suicide, ironic, huh? He says that he is wracked with guilt and has been for 20+years. At 19 he had a sexual encounter with a 14 year old. It was "consensual"or so he says. The girl does not feel that anything wrong happened to her and while she was not the instigator, she did reciprocate. They are not really in contact any more, but he still feels guilty even though she has stated to him that there is nothing to forgive him for because she doesn't believe that she was harmed in any way by the encounter.

Is he (as he worries) a pedophile? He has not had any encounters sexually with any other minors since that time. In considering the situation, it seems to me that he should forgive himself, since she already has. I told him that because he has not had any other encounters, it doesn't seem fair for him to label himself a pedophile after 20+ years of not having other sexual encounters with someone under the age of consent. His desire to CTB is predicated solely on his thought that he is a pedo. and I have tried to get him to focus on forgiving himself rather than CTB. Of course he has self determination to make that choice if he choose to, though I would hate to see him CTB, if he could just come to the point of forgiving himself.

What do you think of my advice?

It doesn't matter if he's a pedo or what, he committed rape. There's no way a 14 year old can consent. Either he should turn himself in or CTB

 

[Rouge4000]

Is he a pedophile? A friend of mine confided in me that he is considering suicide, ironic, huh? He says that he is wracked with guilt and has been for 20+years. At 19 he had a sexual encounter with a 14 year old. It was "consensual"or so he says. The girl does not feel that anything wrong happened to her and while she was not the instigator, she did reciprocate. They are not really in contact any more, but he still feels guilty even though she has stated to him that there is nothing to forgive him for because she doesn't believe that she was harmed in any way by the encounter.

Is he (as he worries) a pedophile? He has not had any encounters sexually with any other minors since that time. In considering the situation, it seems to me that he should forgive himself, since she already has. I told him that because he has not had any other encounters, it doesn't seem fair for him to label himself a pedophile after 20+ years of not having other sexual encounters with someone under the age of consent. His desire to CTB is predicated solely on his thought that he is a pedo. and I have tried to get him to focus on forgiving himself rather than CTB. Of course he has self determination to make that choice if he choose to, though I would hate to see him CTB, if he could just come to the point of forgiving himself.

What do you think of my advice?

There's zero point in reporting him now lmao this happened 20 years ago