fellofdarknotday

fellofdarknotday

New Member
Nov 24, 2024
1
I think I've basically been depressed all my life, and I can't really remember what it's like to not want to be dead. But I don't want to die. I want to be dead. I think there's a big difference. I've thought about therapy and getting on meds and all that stuff, but would any of it be worth it? I've lived my entire life like this. I'm eighteen. Depression and suicidal and violent thoughts are basically all I know. There's something going on in my head. I don't know what it is. And I don't know if I want to know. Sometimes I think I'm a bit histrionic and it feels like I do everything for attention because I do and say a lot of things just for attention. But I don't think that's the case here. I don't really advertise any of my thoughts, I don't use them to get attention- I'll do anything else but not speak about this. The few times I have, I've been told I should speak to some professional. I don't know anymore. I don't want to have to spend days or weeks in some psych ward and filled with random drugs that'll make me feel numb. I'm sick of feeling sick and wanting to be dead and I just want to feel like the eighteen year old I should feel like. Is any of it worth it? A therapist? Meds? Some kind of diagnosis to try and explain why I'm like this?
 
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BlackEyedDog

BlackEyedDog

Mage
May 6, 2024
546
Yes, I do believe it is worth trying to get help. Therapy and meds may help to give your mind a break, may allow for another perspective.
May improve the quality of life enough that you find a path you just could never see. Your intent also matters, meaning you want to try to get better rather than let's see how useless this experience will be, so to speak. Depression can be crippling and we end up mentally stuck and living in our heads. Help might break that up a bit, and can learn more about ourselves. Better to know you tried at least. I did not get help until much later in life and know had I gotten it when I was young it could've been life changing (in positive ways).
 
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anopenwound

anopenwound

I̸'̷m̵ ̸g̶o̷i̶n̵g̷ ̶h̵o̶m̶e̶.̵
Jul 27, 2024
108
Getting help per se, no. Getting the right help, yes. Hundred percent.
 
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Praestat_Mori

Mori praestat, quam haec pati!
May 21, 2023
11,427
Unless you try you'll never know. Nobody can tell you whether therapy and meds will fix your MH problems but unless you try it you'll never know. You'll also need a will to give recovery a chance with professional help.
 
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HopingOnaMiracle

HopingOnaMiracle

Experienced
Mar 8, 2024
294
You're young. Definitely try medication and therapy. I see no reason to give up. I tried many therapies and meds and nothing helps. But I keep trying.
 
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FeyB

FeyB

C.E.O. of Nihilism
Aug 5, 2023
60
You're young. Definitely try medication and therapy. I see no reason to give up. I tried many therapies and meds and nothing helps. But I keep trying.
quote HopingOnaMiracole on this cause I was feeling kinda the same at 18. I did some things I even liked, I had a girlfriend, I had parties but nothing felt like enough to not feel like ctb. Tried stupidly to ctb while drunk that year but now I can say for certain that now, at 22, things are better and I can sometimes see the colours of serenity so keep trying
 
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Jack_Nimble

Member
Jun 22, 2024
54
I would definitely try therapy for some time before trying meds. I noticed you said you didn't want to go into the psych ward to be paid on meds that made you numb. Psych wards use the same meds that any DR or psychiatrist would prescribe. With the meds they don't typically tell you about the side effects that are typical or could happen. Some people have had lifelong effects even after quitting the meds. There is so much corruption between drugs companies and govts when it comes to approve drugs. Including performing way more clinical trials than what they turn in. Only turning in the trials that showed it effective even if most trials didn't show it effective.

Some people have found meds helpful so it's worth a shot in my opinion only after exhausting other options. I have tried them and I wish I never did. On the negative meds can cause obesity, erectile dysfunction, or downright make mental health worse. They can even be known to cause brain zaps (where someone feels their brain is being electrically shocked) when trying to stop taking the drugs.

 
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LittleJem

Visionary
Jul 3, 2019
2,612
I feel differently about medication nowadays then I did when I was younger. I now see medication as definitely the first thing to try and to try it as soon as possible. It takes twelve weeks to test a medication and to see if it works, so the earlier you start a medication the sooner you can test it properly.

My heart goes out to you reading about your suffering. Medication/altering brain chemistry is the only thing that helps in my opinion. You can also try psilocybin if you have access to it. That might give you a different experience of the world.

You don't know what the psych meds will do for you until you try them - for twelve weeks etc and at different doses for each medication. It is worth it to try and feel better and I wish you luck.
 
witchcraft

witchcraft

it's too painful to live but I'm too afraid to die
Nov 27, 2024
24
I had repeat bad experiences with modern society's idea of "help." That being said, I do believe in encouraging someone to try the available recovery resources. What failed me, might work for you.

If it's not going to put you in financial trouble, then you could consider starting with therapy. I'm going to assume for now that you have a decent idea of what therapy is supposed to be about, what to theoretically expect. But if you have questions I would be willing to explain more from my own experience.

The mental health system likely works very differently in other countries. But here where I live, the therapist will most often talk to you about your life experiences, your thoughts, your problems, and healthy coping strategies. They will probably ask at some point if you are interested in pursuing medication as a treatment option. If yes, they can refer you to a psychiatrist, who are the ones that do the actual diagnosing and prescribing. You decide if continuing to use these services is beneficial to you. If you want to stop seeing the psychiatrist, they will need to figure out a plan for your medication, which in this case would probably mean a plan for tapering off the med(s). With a therapist you can cancel their services whenever you wish, although I have heard some psychiatrists are reluctant to continue prescribing meds to patients that stop going to some form of therapy.

I have been in a psych ward once. I was having an emotional meltdown and told my therapist I wanted to die via text. But I never outlined a plan. I drank myself to sleep that same night; I woke up in the middle of the night feeling sick and needing to use the bathroom, checked my phone, and my therapist called a couple times and texted me several times asking if I was okay. I responded that I was fine. Yet, for some reason, I am woken up several hours later by police banging on my door. They claimed I had no option but to go with them to the hospital in handcuffs, or in an ambulance. To this day, I still don't know what my rights were/are, but I was basically kidnapped by the government at my therapist's request, and taken to a place that was about as close to being a prison as you can get, without literally being a prison. You have no freedom. You don't have any of your belongings. You cannot communicate with the outside world. And I was with other "inmates" who were in much more unfortunate situations than myself, having conversations with invisible people, or outright unable to take care of themselves or carry on a conversation.

This is my country's idea of "help" for people like me (as well as the very sick people who were in there with me). I am someone who would just like to feel better about waking up tomorrow, build overall confidence in myself, find a couple genuine things to hope for in my future, and get a job that isn't a dead-end hell-hole so I can financially support myself—possibly even support another person if I can grow into someone who can take on that level of responsibility.

I did not need to be in that hospital. I felt like my therapist betrayed my trust, not just with him but the entire therapy enterprise. The whole psych ward experience traumatized me. As a result, I regressed emotionally and I'm now in my mid-twenties sleeping with a stuffed animal again. Being in that hospital would never have done anything that would change my life, at least not in the ways my life needs to change for it to become worth living. Like I said, what I really need is a job that doesn't make me hate being alive. If financially supporting myself just ironically makes me suicidal, I will continue living at home. If I can no longer live at home because my parents pass away, I will then have to kill myself.

In the meantime, I eventually found a little bit of solace in religion, but believe me, I'm far from "wow thanks I'm cured." I also got more out of reading the works of Carl Jung and some philosophy, mostly Kierkegaard and a little bit of stoicism (I have a bone to pick with the latter, but that'd be off-topic). Perhaps religion, psychology, or philosophy are resources you can explore for yourself.
 
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j.rez729

Member
Nov 8, 2024
7
yes, please do. I stay active on this site for a sense of community with my bipolar depression - which has led me to the brink of suicide many times - and generally just being a mess, but i'm always trying to do better. I know some here have completely given up on life and I think that's fine too. life is extremely difficult and I can understand why some don't feel it's worth it. however if you can see any avenue whatsoever, a potential path to happiness no matter how slim, i'd advise trying to take it, and getting help via therapy or meds can be the first step toward that.
 
alice-as-cassandra

alice-as-cassandra

New Member
Nov 28, 2024
3
i tried a non-carceral crisis line for the first time and it was a really supportive experience. made me realize that seeking community support might be more beneficial for me than traditional therapy. i've done a lot of therapy and meds, but it's exhausting especially because they either don't work at all or only briefly. have also sought a lot of holistic healing with similar results. having chronic pain of any kind is exhausting because we're expending so much energy just to get a 10% improvement in quality of life
 
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Hollowman

Empty
Dec 14, 2021
1,346
Worth it for some deadly for others. I was on a medication and a possible side effect was sudden unexplained death. Good luck.
 
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Alexei_Kirillov

Alexei_Kirillov

Waiting for my next window of opportunity
Mar 9, 2024
1,001
I'm going to dissent a bit here and say that it really depends on what your goal is. If you're dead-set (no pun intended) on suicide, and further, if you don't believe that there's anything inherently wrong with suicide, that it's a value-neutral option, then I think "professional help" will be useless. Same deal if you've become so accustomed to depression that you are no longer willing to entertain the idea of feeling any other way.

However, if you genuinely want to feel good, and if there's any part of you that's determined to put effort into striving for and experiencing a "good life"; if you're able to create a clear picture in your head of what a "good life" even means in the first place, then it's probably worth a shot.

Just note that every intervention carries risk. People often say "might as well try if you're going to CTB anyway" but this ignores the fact that 1) "treatments," including non-medicinal ones like therapy, can sometimes have harmful, long-lasting effects that degrade the quality of your life and cause further suffering, and 2) CTB is not a trivial thing to do. You can't use it as a backup plan because you don't get to choose when you'll be in the correct mindset to go through with what is one of the hardest things any human can do. Whatever decision you choose, you have to be prepared to live with it.

So there is a real potential cost to treatment that must be taken into consideration. Doesn't mean it's not worth it--after all, there's a cost to not pursuing treatment as well--, it just means you have to lucidly evaluate what you're hoping to get out of it, what's actually feasible to get out of it, and what the risks of action/non-action are.
 
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Jack_Nimble

Member
Jun 22, 2024
54
I can't stress enough please don't make the mistake I did and blindly follow advice to take meds just cause most others/friends/family/Dr.s say so. Especially at your age where they are known to be more likely to worsen mental health by increasing suicidality. In the US it is law to print this effect on the label.

As the following article illustrates. Even Drs are not entirely aware of the harms they may cause you by prescribing meds. They lead stressful careers with extensive hours. Often leaving then with little time to learn anything more than what they've been taught in schools, most med schools receiving large funding from drug companies (which leads to bias). And surprisingly commonly many have ZERO requirements for nutritional education. I gotta hand it to em though. They do their best and they mean well!Anyways, the following article is how ssri's can take away your erection for long after you quit the meds if you found them unhelpful. Just one of many unpleasant effects. Weight gain might never go away either.


Maybe first try things known and studied to help with practically no known negative side effects first. Such as omega 3's, creatine, and exercise. With care of course to not overdo any of those as they can all be overdone.

If you take omega 3's it's important it's from an animal source. The only decent plant source is algae. And take at least 1000-1500 per day. Double that if you notice no difference after 1-2 months. I did personally notice a difference with large does high quality fish oil for myself. If you OP (or anyone else) wants more details on selecting high quality effective fish oil just ask. I would gladly go into more detail.

It's very well known that exercise is just as, if not more effective at treating depression than medications.


Also, when it comes to the effectiveness of ssri's. Here is a psychiatrist who has worked both in practice and for the FDA. He explains in detail why the standards of their studies are quite questionable. To top it off, even with their questionable methods SSRI's only slightly improve depression symptoms (not depression itself) slightly. It's such a minor improvement it is questioned if it's worth noting. this is from another recent thread.

No one has all the answers or a cure. But what is for certain there is incredible correlation between our increasingly horrible diets, our reduction of physical activity, and our increasing depression rates. As well as our increasing addictions. Be it a drug or a behavior (example, video game addiction). I personally have changed my diet and am quitting my addictions (one by one) and added exercise. Are those self treatments worth it? Yes. Am I cured? No. Will I be? I'd say not likely though my well being has increased more than enough to say it is worth it!



Sources beyond what I've already posted are 2 books. The Depression Cure Cure by Stephen Ilardi PH.D
And
Good Energy by Dr Casey Means. As well as a simple internet search will show that Drs aren't usually given nutritional classes. Our medical industry is a racket. It's designed to manage our disease just enough to keep us alive and prescribed so we can be an income source til we die. They have no interest in curing you. Even for the ones who do, they're from and in a system rigged to prevent it.

Edit: I just want to add I'm not begging OP to never ever try meds. I'm only trying to help him understand that many who push for meds won't know the full truth whether or not they're even aware of the full truth. Meds can and have helped many. But due to the risks first one should understand that and second it's advisable to exhaust other options first. If meds work for anyone reading this I am happy for you and even jealous of you. Even if it only helps you a little....I wish I had it that easy to just pop a pill to genuinely feel better.

I wish you the best in your journey of life!
 
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isolatedl111

isolatedl111

Experienced
Nov 25, 2024
200
I think I've basically been depressed all my life, and I can't really remember what it's like to not want to be dead. But I don't want to die. I want to be dead. I think there's a big difference. I've thought about therapy and getting on meds and all that stuff, but would any of it be worth it? I've lived my entire life like this. I'm eighteen. Depression and suicidal and violent thoughts are basically all I know. There's something going on in my head. I don't know what it is. And I don't know if I want to know. Sometimes I think I'm a bit histrionic and it feels like I do everything for attention because I do and say a lot of things just for attention. But I don't think that's the case here. I don't really advertise any of my thoughts, I don't use them to get attention- I'll do anything else but not speak about this. The few times I have, I've been told I should speak to some professional. I don't know anymore. I don't want to have to spend days or weeks in some psych ward and filled with random drugs that'll make me feel numb. I'm sick of feeling sick and wanting to be dead and I just want to feel like the eighteen year old I should feel like. Is any of it worth it? A therapist? Meds? Some kind of diagnosis to try and explain why I'm like this?
I am about to start therapy and I am on meds. Meds aren't working. I believe I can't revert my mental suffering
 
J

J&L383

Wizard
Jul 18, 2023
603
Yes, I do believe it is worth trying to get help. Therapy and meds may help to give your mind a break, may allow for another perspective.
May improve the quality of life enough that you find a path you just could never see. Your intent also matters, meaning you want to try to get better rather than let's see how useless this experience will be, so to speak. Depression can be crippling and we end up mentally stuck and living in our heads. Help might break that up a bit, and can learn more about ourselves. Better to know you tried at least. I did not get help until much later in life and know had I gotten it when I was young it could've been life changing (in positive ways).
I totally agree. It does sound like you haven't tried this yet to much extent. I wouldn't expect instant results, and there's a certain amount of trial and error, but if you are patient and with guarded optimism, there is a good chance you'll find some success. And once the clouds start lifting you could discover a whole new world. 🤗
 
Onyx_Olynx

Onyx_Olynx

Trapped in existence
Nov 28, 2024
2
I think I've basically been depressed all my life, and I can't really remember what it's like to not want to be dead. But I don't want to die. I want to be dead. I think there's a big difference. I've thought about therapy and getting on meds and all that stuff, but would any of it be worth it? I've lived my entire life like this. I'm eighteen. Depression and suicidal and violent thoughts are basically all I know. There's something going on in my head. I don't know what it is. And I don't know if I want to know. Sometimes I think I'm a bit histrionic and it feels like I do everything for attention because I do and say a lot of things just for attention. But I don't think that's the case here. I don't really advertise any of my thoughts, I don't use them to get attention- I'll do anything else but not speak about this. The few times I have, I've been told I should speak to some professional. I don't know anymore. I don't want to have to spend days or weeks in some psych ward and filled with random drugs that'll make me feel numb. I'm sick of feeling sick and wanting to be dead and I just want to feel like the eighteen year old I should feel like. Is any of it worth it? A therapist? Meds? Some kind of diagnosis to try and explain why I'm like this?
This was literally me at 20-ish. Like, I was diagnosed at 15, but after a while- people just stopped checking on me and I thought it was cause I am too messed up and am too far gone. At 22, it hit me like a fucking bus and it's taking everything in me right now to not die 🫠

I physically can't cope and had a traumatic panic attack from it so I'm doing trauma work now to see that if that helps to heal me.
 

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