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Good question. Maybe there were a few times when I felt a bit scared because I felt like I had no choice, and killing myself was proving difficult. I was at times also sorta sad that life had come to what it had
after all it is a last resort to everyone, plunging into unknown depths is terrifying. best wishes jodes
i understand, and trying to research about it is awful and has people contradicting eachother a lot, very frustrating.
This. The idea that I can escape this life is comforting, but thinking about actually carrying out an attempt is nerve-wracking, especially if the method is violent or painful.
were those fantasies more intrusive or something you actively imagined to desensitize yourself to it? how was the aftermath of that attempt? doing it in such a way looks terrifying, i hope there weren't a lot of physical complications afterwards. i suppose at your current stage as you said, it'll be inevitable to fall back on thinking about it from time to time. best of luck and stay strong.
where would you like to go to / travel?
where did you find this, if you don't mind me asking? i assume a lot more people have a death (void) wish, but to go through with it, or even imagine doing it to yourself is a whole other beast.
i wanna go see asia and america as well as africa and australia. id like to travel to each of these continents and visit countries within. i wanna see and experience as much as possible before i leave this existence
well i guess new york, san francisco, mexico, maybe brazil again, singapore, china, north korea, south korea, japan, australia. … the problem is finding all the money for this,, anyone wanna rob a bank with me?
Jumping in front of a train has a pretty high survivability rate (10% at least), not to mention that if you do survive, the likelihood of being left mutilated is high. It's your method your body though, I won't judge.
So first of all, it seems the 10% survival rate is true. However most of the train suicides and attempts are done at the platform plus people just kinda jump at the train/under it.
It was at a time when for me ctb-ing felt like the right choice after thinking about it for many years. The thoughts were kind of intrusive for the first few years when I wasn't fully determined but they didn't cause me much distress. To clarify, what I mean by intrusive is that they would happen without me wanting them to happen. As years went by and I felt more determined I wouldn't call them intrusive, but they definitely got pretty intense. I felt frustrated when I would stop thinking about ctb-ing and just getting it done since I felt I was ignoring what I really wanted to do. But it's very taxing to seriously think about ending it and walking through the steps of doing it mentally. Your body is gonna enter a pretty serious fight-flight state when you do that. It did not get any less anxiety-provoking the more serious I got about actually doing it. If anything, it got more and more stressful as I knew that I was really going to do it.
Surprisingly, not that bad at all. I was very very close to death but a young man that I think was a volunteer of some sort was incredibly close to the scene and reacted very quickly. I would've bled out if not for him. A few fractured bones, some ribs were cracked, cracked sinuses, flesh from my underarm was torn open, and some flesh from my head was torn open. As in, imagine you peel away some chunk of flesh, it didn't completely fall off my body, it was still flopping on. With a lot of train track oil and junk in the wound. But the doctors managed to clean things up, place the flesh back on and sew it shut. So the only scars from those wounds are the seam where the flesh connected back. Literally just a few lines on my body. They don't look aesthetically unpleasing. You cannot see the scar on my head since my hair is covering it and I have relatively thick hair. There's also a big vertical line scar on my abdomen since the doctors did a quick intervention to search for the cause of some internal bleeding. Their CT machine was bugging out and they thought they were running out of time. Face is somehow untouched. Overall my body aesthetically looks the same as before, except for some scars that look just lines drawn on my body in a few places. the underpit, forearm, abdomen, and head. In 5 weeks I was able to walk again. My right forearm still hurts a bit, but other than that my body is just as functional as before, if not a tiny bit less flexible because of the abdomen scar. The Doctors could not explain how that happened as I was dragged around under the train too. I got 'lucky' with the 2nd best possible outcome.
Thank you, I appreciate it:- ). I have a lot of hope for the future personally. I tasted some authentic improvements and I feel like I know roughly which way I should go. It's the classic childhood CPTSD trope for me personally. I discovered it by chance 4 years after the attempt. Funnily enough, I would've said I had the perfect family before my attempt. And that's pretty common with people in dysfunctional families. You just don't know what normal is. Especially if the trauma isn't physical or obvious to onlookers. There was almost no way I could've known what I was experiencing wasn't normal. But things still aren't easy. I'm in a pretty tough spot financially and socially right now and sometimes I do think about ctb-ing. But not in a serious way anymore.
