Is CTB a comfort blanket for you?

[Yaffle]

As I've mentioned in other posts, I've harboured suicidal thoughts for 30+ years; longer than many of you have been alive.

These thoughts never go, ever, but they do vary in intensity.

I joined here while particularly bad, once here they improved for a while then a bad weekend set me back again. I felt as though I crossed the line from having suicidal thoughts to actually being suicidal. In all these years there haven't been many times I've felt approaching this bad.

However, it's got me thinking that just the thought of CTB has been a stable comfort blanket all this time. Many times during the day I have CTB thoughts (evidenced by just being online here) and every night when I get in bed my thoughts are always about CTB and it's truly comforting to know that it's always the nuclear option when I've had enough, I don't HAVE to live this life.

I 100% believe it's when I CTB rather than if, I don't want to be old and infirm, I won't allow a terminal illness to run its course should I have one. I have advance decisions in place in case of stroke or locked in brain trauma etc which only allow for giving me pain relief medication (effectively a CTB directive).

So yes, the thought of being able to CTB is definitely a comfort to me, a pro choice comfort!!!!!

 

[user56765567]

I do agree and see it as a comfort for me as well. I think it's just having a solid method that I know would work effectively brings down the anxiety a little bit but I do see it starting to fade for me as time progresses because for as it nice is to have the off switch in my control It just seems like sooner rather than later I will have to use it as the pain builds up more and more and nothing changes for the better.

 

[WonderingSoul]

It is for me. Has been for a couple of years, but at this point I just really want to CTB now.

 

[Mistiie]

Definitely. Just being on SaSu and talking about CTB and thinking about the relief and finality it will/would bring is immensely comforting. Why that is, I don't know - maybe it's the idea that I have control over when my life ends, to some degree.

 

[kelimackie]

I feel the same, it's just a matter of when, not if. I

 

[Lookoutbelow]

Thinking about suicide was a security blanket until I realized that I actually have to go through with it. Thinking about suicide is much different then performing suicide. The thought of killing myself is no longer comforting because I know I have a finite amount of time left. No exact date, but a time frame of when it must occur and it sucks!

 

[𝗟𝗼𝗻𝗲𝗹𝘆]

I feel similar about it.
Knowing that there always is an option to exit is calming and comforting. Going from just having random suicidal thoughts to being suicidal makes me glad that I can just end it at any time, that if my life sucks I can just escape it.
But like someone pointed out - it's very comforting until you actually have to plan it out and go through with it.

 

[Orange Cat]

It was more of a comfort when they were only passive thoughts. Now it just causes me stress and anxiety when I think about having to go through with it.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case the only thing that is close to a comfort is the thought of eternally ceasing to exist, I only wish for a dreamless and eternal sleep where this existence is all forgotten about. But sadly I feel trapped here as we exist in this society where suicide is cruelly made so difficult, it's horrible how people have to struggle so much to cease existing on their own terms. It really would be so comforting if the option is there to just die on our own terms in peace.

 

[Yaffle]

In my case the only thing that is close to a comfort is the thought of eternally ceasing to exist, I only wish for a dreamless and eternal sleep where this existence is all forgotten about. But sadly I feel trapped here as we exist in this society where suicide is cruelly made so difficult, it's horrible how people have to struggle so much to cease existing on their own terms. It really would be so comforting if the option is there to just die on our own terms in peace.

Agree, if only we could flick a switch and it's over instantaneously.

 

[Necrosis]

I find comfort but I think in a slightly different way because it comes from a part of me that wants control. Its not a comfort such as "oh it will end one day", "I can just exit if I don't like this", etc.

(abuse mentioned>) When I was living with some horrible people as a child, ages ~14-17, I was horribly abused. I was suicidal before this, but with the common belief that it would end my suffering. I still wanted a life for myself, I had hope that the secret to wanting to live came from the normal lives of everyone around me, an experience I assumed I was just being robbed of because of these other people. I was beaten close to death multiple times and abandoned "knowing" this time had to be it, I was going to die, and I accepted it with the comfort of my suffering ceasing. These bad people couldn't hurt me when I died. But they were careful, I am obviously still here.

Now I am an adult finding ways to cope with my suffering. After years of not having my own free will, finally being able to live for myself rather than for these other men, I find myself discovering I don't want this either. I d

 

[deadtrace]

It was when I wasn't as bad as I am now. If always have thoughts in my mind like "it's fine I'll be gone soon it doesn't natter how bad this goes. " it was always genuinely comforting to think about. Although now things are much worse it's less comforting I just wsnt to die.

 

[Fire]

I'd say yes to some extent anyway. knowing i can leave at anytime makes life a bit easier to manage and i don't care as much. on the other hand, not caring about my life has come with a lot of drawbacks. there is also the problem of not being able to go through with it when the time comes and that time has come multiple times in the past.

 

[thinvy]

Yes. Considering I've wanted to die since I found out I could, it's been a constant comforting thought that I have a way out at any point when this all gets to be too much.

I'm ill, my body is falling apart, everything hurts, and I have nothing tying me down. Having an future escape from how miserable my life constantly is waiting for me is the last thing holding together what's left of my sanity.

 

[Light Dreamer]

This thought alone has gotten me through so many breakdowns, so many points I thought I was at the end of the line. I am in a way thankful and very glad, that at least I've got this 'option' if it really comes down to it. When it hurts the most I make myself this silent promise, to bear the pain and suffer the illusion of hope a while longer because if my situation truly becomes unbearable and I have exhausted all my options, there is always this one path, always there, always open, where a black robed man is waiting for me with open arms to take my suffering away forever.

 

[Neogoloid]

It definitely has become that, especially since I've found this site and finally have a place where I can get the ACTUAL help that I need which is advice on how to kill myself. It makes me feel more in control.

 

[Abyssal]

Absolutely.

 

[Forever Sleep]

The thought of it- passive ideation is a comfort and has been for a very long time. 33 years for me- but the same as you- to varying intensities. However- the practicalities of it aren't comforting at all. Being actively suicidal (for me) alters between being terrified of the process, frustrated because there are things in this world preventing me from just doing it and an overall anger/resentment at the world that we are being trapped here via restriction of peaceful and reliable methods. The actual thought of hurting myself doesn't bring me comfort. The idea of being gone though, not having to try or worry anymore is a blissful thought.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

In most situations yes suicide brings me comfort. It is like an ejector seat that I can use to escape my life before it comes crashing into the ground.

 

[TheShadowKing]

Now i use CTB as a "Plan B" if shit in life doesn't work out for me but even if stuff works out in life. I also agree people should have the choice to CTB when they get to old age, get terminal illnesses, or life changing accident.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

Well yes, I can't deny that having the option to ctb is a great form of comfort that I wouldn't want to get rid of.

 

[Boller Bryant]

Yes absolutely, the fact I can flee if everything in my life goes south is really comforting. It eases my mind that I don't need to fix and figuring everything wrong in my life, I can just always CTB if everything goes unbearable.

 

[kane9191kosugi]

"HELL YEAH"

…would be my answer.

 

[damnatio memoriae]

it definitely was. it still is but mostly now i just don't care and want to be done with it all

 

[R_N]

For sure. Just a single thought about it can be enough to give me strength to endure the hellish day.

That goes for death in general not just suicide tho. I am glad that one day my mind shuts down.

 

[noSuffering]

I have advance decisions in place in case of stroke or locked in brain trauma etc which only allow for giving me pain relief medication (effectively a CTB directive).

Can you please share these solutions? I want plan B too

 

[outrider567]

A comfort blanket? Yes

 

[AgainChrisis]

As I've mentioned in other posts, I've harboured suicidal thoughts for 30+ years; longer than many of you have been alive.

These thoughts never go, ever, but they do vary in intensity.

I joined here while particularly bad, once here they improved for a while then a bad weekend set me back again. I felt as though I crossed the line from having suicidal thoughts to actually being suicidal. In all these years there haven't been many times I've felt approaching this bad.

However, it's got me thinking that just the thought of CTB has been a stable comfort blanket all this time. Many times during the day I have CTB thoughts (evidenced by just being online here) and every night when I get in bed my thoughts are always about CTB and it's truly comforting to know that it's always the nuclear option when I've had enough, I don't HAVE to live this life.

I 100% believe it's when I CTB rather than if, I don't want to be old and infirm, I won't allow a terminal illness to run its course should I have one. I have advance decisions in place in case of stroke or locked in brain trauma etc which only allow for giving me pain relief medication (effectively a CTB directive).

So yes, the thought of being able to CTB is definitely a comfort to me, a pro choice comfort!!!!!

This was taken directly from my mind. CTB and *THIS* website brings me peace. It allows me a freedom and an out offered by nothing else. I fall asleep thinking about getting shot (suicide by cop or whatever) because it brings me peace. I've ideated on and off for decades and have only come close once 30 years ago and then very recently. It was a loaded shotgun back then but there is far more info and established methods now. Couldn't do a shotgun.... too violent. I'm looking at nitrogen or CO. I'm mentally ill and I feel helpless and hopeless.