Yeah, unfortunately, after having my N seized, I'm just not willing to risk attempting to order it one more time. It absolutely sucks to have such a huge sum of money go down the drain like that, but more importantly, I think I severely underestimated the psychological toll of getting attention from LE.
SN has also become my back-up once again, although I can't get my hands on N. My doctor ended up prescribing me amitriptyline for sleep, so I am going to be saving my pills over the next year to get the very large amount of the drug I'll need. I'm also going to book a hotel room for 48 hours and ensure I check myself in when my SO is out of town again. I have AE, but still need benzos (you need them as part of a cocktail described in PPH). I hear the cocktail is just as effective as SN and much more peaceful. You're supposed to go unconscious pretty quickly, but then it seems it takes up to 24 hours (sometimes longer) to die, so lots and lots of planning is in order.